Q's That'll Never Get A's

People come and go. I get that. Really, I do. The people that come into your life don't necessarily have to give you the reasons as to why they'd want to leave... but I can't help but wonder. I'm sure most people can't help to wonder why a person would want to leave them.

Was it me? Did I do something wrong? Was there something I could've done better? Did I not do enough to make you happy? Did I do too much to make you happy?

People have always told me that I cannot get over what others have done. Of course, I'd let the past repeat itself because I can't "just move on, forgive, and forget". But how is it... that I'm expected to forgive, forget, and move on when the same thing happens over and over again with no questions asked? This is an extremely toxic mindset that I hate to say that I have had for as long as I could remember, but I can't seem to get over this bump. No matter what I do, or how hard I try, history repeats itself and I can't find my way past it. No matter how close I come to forgiving someone of the past, the situation occurs again and I'm back in the boat I was prior.

Why do those who claim to love me always want an out? Am I that unlovable? Am I so annoying that others cannot stand the thought of being around me? Do people only see me as temporary; someone to just hold onto for the short-term, but never for the long-term?

"Don't take it too personally. It can happen to just about anyone."

But why does it always have to happen to me? Why does it have to happen so frequently, or even at all? Am I that bad of a person that nobody ever wants to stick around for the long-term? Am I that horrible that nobody ever wants to see a future with me?

"You shouldn't let what they did effect you so much... maybe that's why they always leave."

Why did they have to leave at all? Was I so terrible at conversation that they couldn't even confide in me enough to express their emotions? What was it that I've done where they felt they couldn't just tell me how they felt? What have I done that made somebody feel they'd rather just walk away, rather than conversing their feelings to me?

"You can't pick and choose how others will act. You can only pick and choose how you'll handle the aftermath."

If that's the case, why do they always find their way to me? If you can't choose how others behave, how do I always manage to find the assholes? How is it that I have a knack for finding out the ones who prefer to hurt others, rather than lift others up? If I can't choose how others behave, why can't I ever find somebody who'd prefer to act right?

I know I can't pick and choose the decisions made by others. I know that. I do. Really, I do. So many people have told me that same line over and over that it all just jumbles together by now. Of course, I can't decide how others act... but that won't stop me from feeling like I was the reason that they decided to do what they did. No matter how many times you tell me that I can't decide what others do or how others act, I will always feel as if I was the reason they've done what they've done.

I can't deny that. I won't.

After a certain number of times, you can't help but have that mindset placed into your mind for eternity.

You can't fight against it. You can't push it away.

It's just there,

forever,

living rent-free,

without a single care in the world.

After a while, you'll learn to accept it. You'll learn to live with it.

It's just... even after a while, it still hurts.