Polyamory

There must be something wrong with Me. I fall in love so fast. When I was younger, I could never hold on to a relationship. Because I would meet someone new. Anyone who was attracted to me, I would want to return that love. Falling for every person I met.

Now that I’m older things have changed. I fall in love and I don’t get quite so distracted when I meet someone new. It feels good. I never thought of myself as loyal until now.

I met Jesse for the first time in March. There was plenty of snow on the ground still. I was going thorough a big transition. Having broken up with the guy I was seeing long distance. I had plans to move back to my home town where he and I were both from. But this decision wasn’t sitting right. Even after a seemingly endless dark, cold, and lonely winter. I didn’t feel ready to leave this Northern town. Meeting Jesse was Catalyst for deciding to stay a little longer. If it weren’t for meeting a few select people, I never would have moved her in the first place, or stayed. The only times that I’ve wanted to leave were when I couldn’t make connections.

When I first saw Jesse, I wasn’t quite sure what I’d expected. Two of his teeth on either side of his upper palate are missing, and his face is adorably scnrunched, although mostly hidden from his long curly brown hair, moustache and beard. His eyes are a beautiful hazel, big and bold. I’ve learned not to expect much when meeting someone in person from online. At first glance he seemed like a real Prince George hick. But Walking and talking with him, I quickly became magnetized to his confidence and his face is nothing but adorable.

I went over to his house a couple days later. We immediately began making out. The taste of his lips sent shivers down My spine. I felt like I should have slowed things down. But I didn’t want to, so we didn’t. We rubbed up against each other on the couch until I was dripping and I could feel his size through his jeans. Layers came off as things heated up. I knew this was a man who could make me boil.

At the end of our time together I asked him. “When can I see you next?” He replied, “when would you like to see me?” I said, “as soon as possible”.

It’s been a couple months now, I’ve actually tried meeting other people, I’ve continued to date, to cuddle, to have guys over for the night. But none of them could make me forget about Jesse. They just made me feel uncomfortable. So nothing has happened.

When I was younger, I couldn’t hold down I relationship. Maybe because as soon as I felt like I’d cheated. I’d just go ahead and cheat. I started accepting that I could just be polyamorous. I went out in the world honest about where I’m at and what I’m comfortable with and I found myself only wanting to sleep with one person.

I don’t need to question whether or not I love Jesse. I know. It doesn’t scare me. I have lots of other close relationships to sustain me when he’s busy or away for 10 days at a time for work. Or, if our relationship ever falls apart. This feels so much healthier than where I used to be.

I’ve only ever told him I love him twice. The first time during some really steamy sex. I was riding on top, heat emanating out from me, tingling into my arms and down my legs into my toes. I was a goddess and he was allowing me access to my full pleasure potential, I had to moan it out.

After I was embarrassed and apologized. He said “what could you have possibly said during sex that you need to feel sorry for?”

Last night he got wasted. Had to leave the bar early. Which I didn’t mind because it was too loud to meet or Talk to anyone, and I hadn't planned on going out in the first place. It was nice to be sober to take care of him and watch him sleep on the couch while I ordered pizza and listened to music. I was stroking his hair, and even though he was too drunk to give his love to me, I could feel his sweetness and desire for me. I told him again. “I love you…” he cuddled in close. He was too drunk to remember.

I broke up with my ex when he was binge drinking too often, I couldn’t stand him when he was puking. Now I have these love glasses on again and there’s few things Jesse could do that would turn me away.

I feel free, I can meet people and find connection and intimacy outside of our relationship. It only makes what I feel for him that much more potent than any relationship I've had before. My sexual intimacy is reserved for him. Without having to try, it’s just the way it is.