Pave Your Way Out

So previously I wrote about a time when I was fully dependent on my husband for my mental and emotional support. I hate to admit that I was mistaken in my belief that he was worthy of that trust. I now know how many ways a person can hurt or abuse their partner without ever being violent. He never hit me but he did own me like some ignorant slave. My mind, my body, my feelings, even my own money that I earned at my job were all under his control.

The hardest part was realizing he barely had to change the way I think to convince me that he was right about everything. He just had to play a role and twist the rules as I knew them. I had never been on my own with my finances. When you first start to learn how to handle money it can be extremely anxiety driving. So he took that off my plate and promised I would never have to feel anxious about money again. Just earn it and give him access. The bills were paid. I got a small allowance...and he bought whatever the heck he wanted.

My spiritual beliefs and my lifestyle practices were just another door to him. If he wanted something I wasn't willing to give all he had to do was find something in the rules of my beliefs that he could twist into making what he wanted a requirement. How often did he call me a bad wife and change my mind with a line of scripture? I stopped counting. I eventually gave up on faith. It took me three years after leaving him to find it again.

Emotions? Oh those were a tool. Poke and prod and push until I got upset and pushed back and suddenly I'm having hormone issues. Time for meds again that I now know I never needed. Time to calm down and listen because clearly I'm too irrational to make a logical decision. Rule number one, never make a life changing decision when your emotions are at their peak. Cool. So any time I seemed close to seeing through him or about to ask to do something he felt gave me too much freedom it was time to upset me and pull out rule number one. No changes right now. The key to leaving? Finally be so fed up that I'm no longer yelling or lashing out. Just completely calm and done with all of it.

We all know what a Barbie doll is right? You dress her up and show her off and she does whatever you ask her to because you're in control of her whole life. Yeah, that was me. The key word there is 'was.' I don't dress for a man anymore. I dress for my own comfort and peace. I dress with my skin covered because air bothers me and so do people looking at me like I'm a piece of meat. Yeah he didn't like me covering up. He wanted to show off how hot his wife was. Well let me tell you, I did not feel hot. I didn't want to feel hot. I feel like a mother. My body isn't hot to me. It's beautifully used for it's rightful purpose. It has carried children and has the stretch marks to prove it. It has fed babies and can no longer fill an adult sized bra. I'm happy with that. It means I have been blessed.

My children are my blessings. That statement will always be true no matter how much of a curse their father was to all of us. My life is a blessing and it's mine to live and find peace and joy and blessings in. I stand before you now after divorcing a man who never deserved me; a mother, a believer in God, and a strong independent woman.

I thought once it would never be me that got abused. I was too smart for that. Well guess what, I am too smart for that and it still happened to me. It can happen to anyone. What matters isn't whether or not we avoided being in that situation. What matters is that when we saw the truth of what was happening, we got out. We found our way out. We paved our way out. If this is you. If you earn the money but you need permission to spend it. If you say how you want to dress and get told to wear something else. If you say 'no' and they hear 'convince me.' If getting upset about something is always somehow you being irrational or hormonal. If any of that is you, I pray that you see it in time to pave your way out.

Peace, love, and blessings. Thank you for taking the time to hear my story.