Passing Passion

I can remember being eight years old, sitting in my one-piece school desk with lukewarm tears running down my cheeks. In an empty upstairs bedroom with no door. Fighting through the pain and tears, I can remember mumbling the question: "Why don't my parents have enough money?" They worked so hard and had nothing to show for it. "If only we had money." I was convinced that only money would end the abuse and alcoholism. For years my passion was to become wealthy. I could not find a reason aside from financial stress that my parents would hurt me so bad and for so long. I was twenty-three when my mother came knocking on my door on a mid-afternoon weekday. A confused expression stared back at her when I answered the door. "Do you love me?" She asked. Without hesitation, "Of course I love you." I replied. "I won a million dollars," she said. I could only describe the feeling as if the shackles that confined me my entire life had finally broken. I was now free. I was convinced we had just won happiness. It's not uncommon to hear that money does not buy happiness, but it's not far-fetched to idolize the idea that being financially sound would bring some happiness, right? In my case, this couldn't have been more wrong. I never realized just how broken I truly was until I eliminate all the excuses. Being financially stressed was equivalent to having a rug; all I could see was the rug, but I found all sorts of debris I never knew existed when I lifted the rug. The doctors referred to this debris as PTSD, Anxiety, Panic Disorder, and Depression. Now, a full-grown adult, I sit on my couch, in a messy house, with hair I haven't washed for over a week and clothes I have been in for days with lukewarm tears running down my cheeks. I mumble the question: "Why did no one help me? How did this go so unnoticed for so long?" "What can I do to change this, so no one has to feel the way I've felt?" I know from the years of therapy I've done that I only control myself and my actions. Every day, I make it my goal to share my experiences, feelings, and thoughts with those around me. I choose to treat people the way I want to be treated, with no expectation of seeing it in return. I share myself with others using different mediums such as social media, art and music, and writing. Throughout my journey, I've come to realize that our social system lacks the infrastructure of "preventative mental health." My passion now is to raise awareness and start building infrastructure for preventative mental health. I can only imagine what life would have been if there were more accessible places for me to go as a youth. I was unaware that addiction and mental health were why my parents were financially stressed and the reason I was a victim of abuse. Money was an excuse. Every day I have the intention to become this best version of myself. I know that by taking care of myself and overcoming my challenges, I can influence others that it is possible. One day I would like to open an arts center. A place where youth can go to communicate their inner thoughts through different art forms. A place where no external excuses can hold back youth from attending, such as financial stress. A social infrastructure that can identify and support youth who are susceptible to facing mental health adversities. From concerts, theatre, art exhibits, and all the endless possibilities in-between, we can support this idea financially without having to burden our youth with excuses and reasons for why they can't. I am confident that passing the passion for mental wellness and self-love, and care will bring the tool of wealth needed to support it.