It all started when I was the young age of five years old. A fellow kindergartener touched me. He touched me down there, multiple times. I never spoke up because I was so young I had no idea what was happening. He did it to my peers as well. Someone spoke up and his parents got brought in. They defended his behaviour. He was promptly removed from the school. That was my first experience with sexual assault. As I got older it was touches here and then by men at bars. I was disgusted but I would freeze unsure what to do. It’s such a normalized thing for women, it happens and we brush it off. That’s what it was like for me until I was 21. I was at a bar, I met a man who introduced himself and as we got to talking we realized we knew each other. He was a good friends half brother. I ended up getting so drunk that night I blacked out which is out of character for me. I remember bits and pieces of the night. That night I lost my virginity while someone watched. Without my consent. I was naive and didn’t call it what it was. Rape. I tried to have relationship with this person to normalize the situation. It didn’t turn out well. When I put the pieces together I was shocked and disappointed in myself. I felt guilty. Like this was somehow my fault. I decided to come forward and tell my friends what had happened. My good friend lost her mind and defended her brother. We are no longer friends because her brother could never do such a thing. My best friend heard me out but defended him like rape had categories. It felt like a hot knife was twisting me in the gut. We decided it was best to go our separate ways as she chose him over me. “Well he’ll be at my wedding so..”. I’m an example of why women don’t come forward. When we are not believed by our closest friends, why do we expect anyone else to take us seriously?. We as women need to take control of our narrative. Be strong. Come forward no matter what the loss and speak your truth. In the end it’s what’s best for you and your mental health. Healing can only start once you open up about these types of situations. Keep the people who love and support close to you like sunshine. There is a light at the end of the tunnel if you are going through a sexual violence situation. I’m healing slowly and steadily. Losing touch with people who took the side of my perpetrator was a huge step for me. It hurt but I feel lighter knowing that I do have people who love and support me. It may hurt now but it does get better I promise. Being able to overcome sexual violence only makes us stronger. We are not to blame. Their are resources out there for victims of sexual violence. From free counseling that specializes in women who have go through acts of sexual violence to mental health services. I am lucky enough to have a wonderful psychiatrist that I am able to lean on. No matter where you are in the world resources are available to you even if it’s just online help and support are always out there. Right now I’m in a thriving relationship with a man who knows what I’ve been through and loves me anyways scars and all. I have a solid support team around me that have my back no matter what. I’m lucky that way. If your struggling it will and does get better trust me. I’m a proven case of that. I lost the people I was closest too and I’m thriving. We aren’t victims we’re survivors. We support and hold each other up. Keep your head up sunshine.
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The Worst Pain
it all started when I received a message on plenty of fish. He seemed charming and funny. We met for our first date at his place, he lived around the corner from my place and watched a horrible horror movie called Shrooms. We went back to my place and watched King Of The Hill. That night we slept together for the first time. We continued to see each other but not too long into dating he was getting evicted out of his apartment so me being the kind hearted person that I am, offered for him to move in with me into my small bachelor apartment until he found a place. When he moved in I jumped out of the U-Haul but my foot stayed in. I went to the hospital and messed up the tendons in my foot. He was an absolute gentleman and got a hold of a wheelchair for me because I was in a cast. He would push me around. Things were going well but he wasn’t looking for a place. Shortly after I got my cast off we got into a massive fight. I followed him from the kitchen and stood at the bedroom doorframe. That’s when he attacked me for the first time. He pulled a good chunk of my hair out and repeatedly punched me in the chest. When he snapped out of it he started crying and left for his parents. I should have left him that night and kicked him out but I didn’t. I loved him. We ended up finding a bigger 2 bedroom apartment just up the street. From there things only got worse. I worked two jobs and could barely hold one down I was paying for everything and he was spending all my money on stuff for himself. I wasn’t allowed to spend my own money. He would snap and throw things, like the time he broke my favourite glass because of something I said. I had to walk on eggshells around him. He had a wandering eye, he would constantly waived between me and other women. Almost breaking up with me for them. He wasn’t all bad, when I accidentally broke my dead grandmothers ring at work, he went out and bought me a promise ring. We would go on adventures hiking and to concerts, haunted houses but the second I stepped a toe out of line I would be screamed at. He decided to we needed to take a break at one point and it broke my heart. I’m sure it was just so he could just go out and sleep with other women. It lasted about a week. One day he told me to get dressed up and that we were going out. I got into the nicest dress I had and he drove to my favourite park. Started playing my favourite song by my favourite band, got down on one knee and proposed in the rain. I said yes. I was over the moon. We started planning and had an engagement party. Not too long after that his mother who he was VERY close too was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. I suggested we move up the wedding so she could be apart of it as they were predicting she wouldn’t make it to the end of the year. He accused me of being selfish when I was doing it for him knowing he would want her to be there. We ended up planning it so she could be there, got the venue, the dress everything except the license. He had a huge meltdown. Screaming and yelling at me. Saying that I pressured him into proposing which isn’t me at all. He grabbed a knife and pointed it at me. I made him go to the hospital and admitted to the psych ward. I was called in by his psychiatrist for a meeting. He never told his psychiatrist that he pulled a knife on me so it bought him a few more days in the ward. Instead of apologizing to me as we were leaving he told me thanks for the extra days. After he got out of the ward I’d say about a week he confessed something to me. That he molested his half sister when he was younger. He defended it by saying that he had failure to thrive when he was younger which isn’t an excuse. I was disgusted. We called off the wedding but we’re still engaged. A few weeks later we were sitting in the car together and I burst out into tears. He suggested that I admit myself to the psych ward. I agreed. We were outside while I was having my last smoke before going in and he told me that if him and I weren’t together him and this other girl would be. He then left me alone terrified and hurt to go pick her up. I was crying and clawing at myself for 8 hours in emergency until I got a bed in the psych ward. I cried for two days straight. I saw my psychiatrist that I now see regularly. Was given meds and was starting to see things clearly. I got a call from his sister. She told me that he told the other girl that he loved her. I was disgusted, horrified and heartbroken. I called him and ended it for good. I was in the hospital for a total of 15 days and he saw me twice. I still had to live with him afterwards until I found a place to live. As soon as I got out we got into an argument because he had a bumble date and I asked him to give me some fucking grace after everything so he kicked me out. Instead of fighting him I just left. I blocked him on everything but he still found ways to try and stalk me for well over a year afterwards. I have ptsd from this relationship and almost made the biggest mistake of my entire life. I thank god every day we didn’t get married. He never would’ve signed the divorce papers and would have continued to make my life hell. I hear he’s engaged again and I wish that women the best of luck because I’m not entirely sure she knows what she’s in for.
By Sabrina3 years ago in Confessions
The Discordant Symphony Of A False Purpose
Static silos of the mind assert the truth that lies within ones desire, a discordant beacon that plays symphony of vanity, a noble cause is but an unplugged empty sound that covers actual melody of making each other’s existence a better one. A recognition that the quest for a magnificent objective is merely an empty tune.
By The Cafecito5 days ago in Confessions
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