Over the Mass Grave
Dictatorship, 1970s Argentina. Healing from PTSD.
The events in this memoir take place on the background of the “dirty war” in Argentina after Juan Peron ha died, and after his wife Isabel, who succeeded him, was ousted by the Military Junta.
By the time the military regime had ended, about 20,000 people had disappeared.
~
to victims and survivors of violence,
in particular victims and survivors of war and dictatorships
~
1979
I came to the States alone with three thousand dollars in my pocket not knowing the language,
I was twenty seven, I looked twelve,
inside I felt young
innocent
helpless as a child
~
At the Argentinean airport, soldiers searching my luggage.
I had in my suitcase a list of twenty five hundred missing people that I was bringing for Amnesty International in New York .
~
eternity 2007
-Jay?
-yes?
God: where did you get that list, little one?
Jay: from the Mothers of Missing Children
God: the Mothers of Plaza de Mayo?
Jay: the Mothers of Plaza de Mayo
Mothers who would meet every week in front of the Government House to protest the kidnapping of their children and demand that they be returned home safely...
Samantha is missing .
We had been friends from childhood
and now she is missing.
Her parents are searching for her ,
loyal friends of my mother from college, their life has become a desperate search for their beloved daughter,
Samantha ,
who is missing...
~
Samantha ... Samantha...
where is she?
how is she?
what have they done to her?
is she alive?
is she dead?
days and weeks and months and years
searching for Samantha
who is missing
~
the agony of parents of missing children
~
Samantha called to say goodbye...
her grandma was home
-Jay?!
- yes?
God: what do you mean Samantha called to say goodbye?!
Jay: people taken by the military sometimes were allowed a last phone call to their families before being …
God: before being what?! ...
Jay: before being killed …
God: Samantha was killed?!
Jay: Samantha was killed
~
(later)
-Jay?
-yes?
God: you are needing a break from these memories, aren't you, baby?
Jay: yeah
God: would you like to go for a walk?
Jay: yeah, let’s go for a walk
a mass grave has been found,
parents searching for their children
digging in piles of rotting corpses
Jay: Oh my God ... Oh my God...
the horror swallows me, the horror swallows me
My aunt’s cleaning lady is throwing up .
On her way to work she has witnessed the aftermath of a shooting,
dead and wounded alike shoveled into a truck for disposal
women’s nipples cut with razors
~
Massachusetts 2007
memories of hell keep coming back ,
they keep coming back...
flashback after flashback after flashback
swallowing me into deeper and deeper horror...
God... please God...
God: hold on tight, baby, we are getting you out of here
Jay: please God... get me out of here... please God
~
-Jay!
-yes?
God: look! look!
Jay: what?! what?!
God: look over there!
Jay: where?! where?!
God: over the mass grave, Jay! look over the mass grave!
Jay: The Beings of Light!
God: The Beings of Light
~
(later)
-Jay? little one?
-yes?
God: are you feeling better, little one?
Jay: I’m feeling much better, thank you, God
God: you’re very welcome, Jay
Jay: gee God , those flashbacks are from hell
God: when you find yourself in Darkness call the Light, Jay, and Light will come
Jay: oh, really? and who told you that?
God: I kind of know those things, Jay
Jay: yeah yeah
God: you don't believe me, do you?
Jay: not really
God: didn't think so
-ok
-ok
~
New York, Summer 1979. Amnesty International.
I met her downstairs . She was coming to get the list of “the disappeared.”
the magnitude of the horror contained in those papers ...
as I hand the list to her I break down in tears
oh my God, oh my God...
God: I’m right here, Jorgelina
~
Just arrived from Argentina, I spend one month in New York staying at a friend’s home .
I’m weak, coughing , sleeping all day...
sirens in the city streets keep me awake at night
~
they come in the middle of the night,
beat up people,
make arrests,
destroy homes ...
sirens in the middle of the night getting closer and closer, and closer ...
are we next? are we next?
~
eternity 2007
-Jay?
- yes?
God: you were so scared, baby
Jay: yes, I was
God: why were you so scared, little one?
Jay: my mother was working for a publishing house that was on a blacklist
My sister brings the news: “Martinez has been taken,” she says.
I’m so angry, so angry,
my mind explodes in rage.
The military has taken one of the partners ,
we are on a blacklist now ,
there’s no escape ,
no safe place to go to ,
there’s no way out...
living moment , to moment...
waiting to be taken
waiting to be tortured
waiting to be killed
~
terror
madness
rage
madness buried under helplessness
survival
blackness
- hey, God?!
-yes?
Jay: it’s all black in here!
God: that’s alright little one, I unplugged you
Jay: you did what?!
God: I unplugged you, Jay
Jay: oh, really?
God: come on, Jay, would you rather be unplugged or crazy?
Jay: unplugged works for me
God: that’s what I thought
Jay: you did, didn’t you?
God: (oh oh)
(Jay unplugs God.)
God: Jay what have you done?!
Jay: you unplug me? I unplug you, so there.
God: Jay you can’t do that!
Jay: too late, mister
God: so what do we do now?
Jay: beats me, buddy
God: it’s all dark in here!
Jay: told you so
God: alright, let’s go to sleep
Jay: that sounds like a good idea
God: sleeping is good
Jay: sleeping is very good
~
My brain would shut off.
I was going insane with terror
and my brain would simply shut off.
~
eternity 2007
-Jay?
-yes?
God: you are safe now, little one
Jay: I am safe?
God: you are safe, baby
~
September 8, 2004, 4:20 a.m.
a mind blown up
into a million p a r t i c l e s desperately trying to pull itself
back together
to create a thought
such is the mind shattered by trauma
~
eternity 2008
- God?
-yes?
Jay: do you like fried noodles?
God: why do you ask, little one?
Jay: just checking
~
Living with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
living in a world of memories,
flooded by memories,
bombarded by memories,
memories being triggered by anything,
by everything...
all there is is memories memories memories
and the fog...
that thick fog that paralyzes you ,
that thick fog that renders you non-functional,
the fog that takes you to a place where there’s nothing...
no thoughts
no feelings
just numbness
just blankness
~
eternity 2008
-God?
-yes?
Jay: I hate the fog!
God: don’t hate the fog, Jay
Jay: don’t hate the fog?
God: the fog is your friend, baby
Jay: yeah yeah
God: the fog is protecting you, little one
Jay: yeah yeah
God: and as you heal, the fog will clear
Jay: oh really? and who told you that?
God: I kind of know these things, little one
Jay: yeah yeah
God: you don’t believe me, do you?
Jay: not really
God: didn’t think so
Jay: didn’t think so either
God: oh well
Jay; we agree on that one, don’t we?
God: you have been healing, Jay
Jay: yes, I have
God: your flashbacks are getting less and less intense , less and less frequent
Jay: yes, they have
God: your mind has been getting clearer and clearer, you’ve been functioning much better
Jay: yes it has, yes I have
God; see what I mean?
Jay; what do you mean, you knucklehead?
God: I guess we still have a ways to go, don’t we?
Jay: I guess we do
God: what I mean, little one, is that there is hope
Jay: there is hope?
God; there is hope, baby
Jay: and who told you that?
God: I kind of know these things, Jay
Jay: yeah yeah, yeah yeah (he thinks he knows everything)
The End.
~~~~~~~~
(Excerpts from Jorgelina Zeoli's script of her short film Over the Mass Grave, God Among Us, based on her book The Immigrant, Flashback Series Part Three, Dawn of the Broken Heart Volume One.
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About the Creator
Jorgelina Zeoli
Jorgelina Zeoli is a former recital organist and teaches singing and Tai Chi. Her memoirs, films and songs focus on personal growth and the healing of her inner child. She incorporates humor, poetry and art. She resides in the USA.
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