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Over the Mass Grave

Dictatorship, 1970s Argentina. Healing from PTSD.

By Jorgelina ZeoliPublished 2 years ago 7 min read
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The Beings of Light

The events in this memoir take place on the background of the “dirty war” in Argentina after Juan Peron ha died, and after his wife Isabel, who succeeded him, was ousted by the Military Junta.

By the time the military regime had ended, about 20,000 people had disappeared.

~

to victims and survivors of violence,

in particular victims and survivors of war and dictatorships

~

1979

I came to the States alone with three thousand dollars in my pocket not knowing the language,

I was twenty seven, I looked twelve,

inside I felt young

innocent

helpless as a child

~

At the Argentinean airport, soldiers searching my luggage.

I had in my suitcase a list of twenty five hundred missing people that I was bringing for Amnesty International in New York .

~

eternity 2007

-Jay?

-yes?

God: where did you get that list, little one?

Jay: from the Mothers of Missing Children

God: the Mothers of Plaza de Mayo?

Jay: the Mothers of Plaza de Mayo

Mothers who would meet every week in front of the Government House to protest the kidnapping of their children and demand that they be returned home safely...

Samantha is missing .

We had been friends from childhood

and now she is missing.

Her parents are searching for her ,

loyal friends of my mother from college, their life has become a desperate search for their beloved daughter,

Samantha ,

who is missing...

~

Samantha ... Samantha...

where is she?

how is she?

what have they done to her?

is she alive?

is she dead?

days and weeks and months and years

searching for Samantha

who is missing

~

the agony of parents of missing children

~

Samantha called to say goodbye...

her grandma was home

-Jay?!

- yes?

God: what do you mean Samantha called to say goodbye?!

Jay: people taken by the military sometimes were allowed a last phone call to their families before being …

God: before being what?! ...

Jay: before being killed …

God: Samantha was killed?!

Jay: Samantha was killed

~

(later)

-Jay?

-yes?

God: you are needing a break from these memories, aren't you, baby?

Jay: yeah

God: would you like to go for a walk?

Jay: yeah, let’s go for a walk

a mass grave has been found,

parents searching for their children

digging in piles of rotting corpses

Jay: Oh my God ... Oh my God...

the horror swallows me, the horror swallows me

My aunt’s cleaning lady is throwing up .

On her way to work she has witnessed the aftermath of a shooting,

dead and wounded alike shoveled into a truck for disposal

women’s nipples cut with razors

~

Massachusetts 2007

memories of hell keep coming back ,

they keep coming back...

flashback after flashback after flashback

swallowing me into deeper and deeper horror...

God... please God...

God: hold on tight, baby, we are getting you out of here

Jay: please God... get me out of here... please God

Through The Fire

~

-Jay!

-yes?

God: look! look!

Jay: what?! what?!

God: look over there!

Jay: where?! where?!

God: over the mass grave, Jay! look over the mass grave!

Jay: The Beings of Light!

God: The Beings of Light

~

(later)

-Jay? little one?

-yes?

God: are you feeling better, little one?

Jay: I’m feeling much better, thank you, God

God: you’re very welcome, Jay

Jay: gee God , those flashbacks are from hell

God: when you find yourself in Darkness call the Light, Jay, and Light will come

Jay: oh, really? and who told you that?

God: I kind of know those things, Jay

Jay: yeah yeah

God: you don't believe me, do you?

Jay: not really

God: didn't think so

-ok

-ok

~

New York, Summer 1979. Amnesty International.

I met her downstairs . She was coming to get the list of “the disappeared.”

the magnitude of the horror contained in those papers ...

as I hand the list to her I break down in tears

oh my God, oh my God...

God: I’m right here, Jorgelina

~

Just arrived from Argentina, I spend one month in New York staying at a friend’s home .

I’m weak, coughing , sleeping all day...

sirens in the city streets keep me awake at night

~

they come in the middle of the night,

beat up people,

make arrests,

destroy homes ...

sirens in the middle of the night getting closer and closer, and closer ...

are we next? are we next?

~

eternity 2007

-Jay?

- yes?

God: you were so scared, baby

Jay: yes, I was

God: why were you so scared, little one?

Jay: my mother was working for a publishing house that was on a blacklist

My sister brings the news: “Martinez has been taken,” she says.

I’m so angry, so angry,

my mind explodes in rage.

The military has taken one of the partners ,

we are on a blacklist now ,

there’s no escape ,

no safe place to go to ,

there’s no way out...

living moment , to moment...

waiting to be taken

waiting to be tortured

waiting to be killed

~

terror

madness

rage

madness buried under helplessness

survival

blackness

- hey, God?!

-yes?

Jay: it’s all black in here!

God: that’s alright little one, I unplugged you

Jay: you did what?!

God: I unplugged you, Jay

Jay: oh, really?

God: come on, Jay, would you rather be unplugged or crazy?

Jay: unplugged works for me

God: that’s what I thought

Jay: you did, didn’t you?

God: (oh oh)

(Jay unplugs God.)

God: Jay what have you done?!

Jay: you unplug me? I unplug you, so there.

God: Jay you can’t do that!

Jay: too late, mister

God: so what do we do now?

Jay: beats me, buddy

God: it’s all dark in here!

Jay: told you so

God: alright, let’s go to sleep

Jay: that sounds like a good idea

God: sleeping is good

Jay: sleeping is very good

~

My brain would shut off.

I was going insane with terror

and my brain would simply shut off.

~

eternity 2007

-Jay?

-yes?

God: you are safe now, little one

Jay: I am safe?

God: you are safe, baby

~

September 8, 2004, 4:20 a.m.

a mind blown up

into a million p a r t i c l e s desperately trying to pull itself

back together

to create a thought

such is the mind shattered by trauma

~

eternity 2008

- God?

-yes?

Jay: do you like fried noodles?

God: why do you ask, little one?

Jay: just checking

~

Living with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

living in a world of memories,

flooded by memories,

bombarded by memories,

memories being triggered by anything,

by everything...

all there is is memories memories memories

and the fog...

that thick fog that paralyzes you ,

that thick fog that renders you non-functional,

the fog that takes you to a place where there’s nothing...

no thoughts

no feelings

just numbness

just blankness

~

eternity 2008

-God?

-yes?

Jay: I hate the fog!

God: don’t hate the fog, Jay

Jay: don’t hate the fog?

God: the fog is your friend, baby

Jay: yeah yeah

God: the fog is protecting you, little one

Jay: yeah yeah

God: and as you heal, the fog will clear

Jay: oh really? and who told you that?

God: I kind of know these things, little one

Jay: yeah yeah

God: you don’t believe me, do you?

Jay: not really

God: didn’t think so

Jay: didn’t think so either

God: oh well

Jay; we agree on that one, don’t we?

God: you have been healing, Jay

Jay: yes, I have

God: your flashbacks are getting less and less intense , less and less frequent

Jay: yes, they have

God: your mind has been getting clearer and clearer, you’ve been functioning much better

Jay: yes it has, yes I have

God; see what I mean?

Jay; what do you mean, you knucklehead?

God: I guess we still have a ways to go, don’t we?

Jay: I guess we do

God: what I mean, little one, is that there is hope

Jay: there is hope?

God; there is hope, baby

Jay: and who told you that?

God: I kind of know these things, Jay

Jay: yeah yeah, yeah yeah (he thinks he knows everything)

The End.

~~~~~~~~

(Excerpts from Jorgelina Zeoli's script of her short film Over the Mass Grave, God Among Us, based on her book The Immigrant, Flashback Series Part Three, Dawn of the Broken Heart Volume One.

If you liked this story, a tip would be greatly appreciated…

www.jorgelinazeoli.com

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About the Creator

Jorgelina Zeoli

Jorgelina Zeoli is a former recital organist and teaches singing and Tai Chi. Her memoirs, films and songs focus on personal growth and the healing of her inner child. She incorporates humor, poetry and art. She resides in the USA.

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