...OUCH.

Dear W,

You have no right to hurt me this way. There are only a few people who can hurt me, and that would not include you. There would only be one person who can make me cry, and it would not be you.

I have a longtime crush who I have always been fond of for several years now. Eight years to be exact. Every time I go to Starbucks, I order for two --- one for me and the other for later, which I would leave for him. It doesn’t matter whether it’s a shop in the North, or one in the South, I send him text messages to pick up the coffee along with the gift I leave for him every single time. Of course, since he has no idea who I am, I was expecting him not to give notice to whatever it is I was doing. But still, I was half-expecting him to… even for a bit. I even made a scrapbook for him wherein I wrote a month’s worth of cards, a handful of quotes and little notes with my memories of when we saw or bumped into each other, and some movie and song inspirations. Of course, in it were also some of the receipts of the coffee that I got for him --- coffees that we hadn’t had together. That was my New Year’s gift for him. But like those other times, he did not pick it up. Ouch. Stupid, right? So anyways, it turned out he had a girlfriend, and she even called me up to ask me to stop texting him regarding the coffees. I wanted to tell her too bad she didn’t think about doing that for him, but then again, I did not. Maybe he felt it was too much. So I still have the scrapbook, the Starbucks planner I got for all those coffees, and a few extra bitter memories to write down on them ---all to remind me of the rejection I got from him.

And then there’s this married guy I’m seeing right now. He has *secret* kids from his *secret* other relationships and has other "flaws" that I would not even dare elaborate on. And I knew it from the onset of the “pseudo-relationship.” He’s xXx years older, also a Gemini like I am, and stubborn at that. By the way, to top it all off, his present wife is my friend's *secret*…so that’s that. Otherwise, everything’s perfect. We had a happy out of town weekend together, and I couldn’t ask for anything more. But then I did. So now, I’m screwed. Of course, he could not possibly give me as much time and attention as he would like to (given the benefit of the doubt that he would really want to) because of his family. I feel really guilty because of the simple fact that I never imagined I would risk years of friendship over him, or choose him over that --- though it seems that I have done just that. I don't even know why I fell for him... he snores, a bit less of a gentleman, childish and he hurts me emotionally though he never realizes it. One time I tried to hold his hand and he let go, afraid someone might see. Ouch. I keep running through my mind the scene when I would finally just tell him: “go home to your wife and kid/s,” but I can’t find myself to do it. I feel like he’s still in this just to be polite. Or afraid that I might tell on him. So, I come across as that shallow… Ouch.

I have another married man friend whom I chat with all the time, but oddly is never there whenever I need a friend the most. Ouch. I have an ex-boyfriend who I have invited to be a friend over Facebook, but has not approved or confirmed it yet. Ouch. I have job applications I failed to pass and dreams that haven't been realized. Ouch. I get unanswered calls, I send text messages and emails that never get responded to. Ouch. I get tired of being second-best. Ouch.

So you see, you sitting on your black swivel chair in your fancy posh office texting me to stop texting you is nothing compared to what I’ve been through, and still am going through every single day. I eat rejection for breakfast, and sadly even crave for it sometimes I have it for lunch, and by the time dinner comes, I had already been addicted to it. I would gladly swap crème brulee or tiramisu for it as des(s)ert. Because there is no other thing on the menu.

So don’t --- never think that you hurt me. Why would you think that? You surely don't know I left at that time because of you... And never mind the time you asked me if I was happy… Would you be able to do anything if I’m not? Nothing.

Ouch…



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