Optimal Catastrophe Deliverance

I need you to know, my intentions were good. Whatever happened, I thought I was doing the best thing for you, I truly did. I know, I know, the road to Hell and all that. Well, I suspect I have led you further into the Abyss than the living have any right to be, but I fucking TRIED, all right? It’s not an excuse, it’s an explanation. I was on your side, I swear.

The seventeenth of October 2021. I’m not saying that was the day I started to get it wrong. But maybe it was the day you started to look to me as if I had the right answer. Christ how I wish that were true. That I had the right answer. That there WAS a right answer. I think the truth is, life was never going to be comfortable all the way through, and anyone offering shortcuts or workarounds is selling snake oil. Thing is, I didn’t KNOW it was snake oil. I actually thought it was a good idea. Or at least one that couldn’t hurt.

There you were – you probably remember – getting it wrong again, everybody nagging at you like you were an idiot, you feeling like nothing you could do was acceptable, and all the while doing your best. No? Well, I suppose it wasn’t an isolated incident, was it. I’m talking about the time when you were twelve, in Mrs McAlister’s class, and Ashley West tripped over and had to have her front tooth taken out and Mrs McAlister said that if you boys had put your bags where they were supposed to be that would never have happened? It might have been then, or it might have been when you were eleven and your brother fell off the trampoline and broke his finger? You remember? And your mum said if you’d been watching him, he wouldn’t have fallen? I mean, it could have been then maybe. I mean, it could have been a lot of times, couldn’t it. That’s part of the problem really, there was no big moment, no sudden swerve in our trajectory, was there? It was more a steady indoctrination. A sustained campaign of whispered speculation, which became possibility, which became probability, and loud, and unceasing. There is rarely a moment when a tree decides to go on growing bent. That’s steady wind exposure, that is. And the longer the wind keeps blowing, the harder it gets for the tree to turn back on itself and shoot for the sky.

Anyway. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said what I said. About how your bag was the one she tripped over. It probably wasn’t. I mean, it may not have been. We don’t know for sure, is what I will say. Yours WAS there, but there are other possibilities too. You probably really did tuck yours out of the way. Unless you made a mistake. Did you make a mistake?

Sorry. Sorry, this isn’t helpful is it? All I wanted was to make sure that you didn’t break anyone else’s teeth. Or fingers. Or anything. I mean, she could have died. And can you imagine how her mum and dad would have felt? Or how you would have felt knowing it was your fault she died?

Sorry. Deep breath. Okay. So, I am trying to acknowledge that I should not have told you that if you had checked properly she wouldn’t have tripped and nearly died. You were a good kid. You weren’t careless. You already knew to take responsibility for your stuff. And I am sorry that I told you that from now on you should double check where you put your bag. I just didn’t want anyone to get hurt, and I didn’t want you to worry that it was your fault. I thought it was the right thing. If you just checked your stuff, then you would be far less likely to cause an accident, which is better for everyone. See? Good intentions. Excellent intentions.

I mean, I stand by it actually. Who knows what might have happened if…

Sorry. Tell me to shut up. I’ll wait while you count. I’ll just sit quietly here while you count.

Done? You know you’re not supposed to be doing the counting. You know you told them you wouldn’t do the thing with the touching, and just because they can’t see you counting, it doesn’t mean it isn’t still cheating if it’s serving the same purpose. And you know what cheaters are don’t you? Bad people. That’s what cheaters are. You ever wonder if you’re a bad person?

Sorry. I will wait again. I mean, my understanding is you are supposed to stay with me, but whatever. Count. I’m not going anywhere. Just gives me a minute to remember what I wanted to say.

Done again? You sure you didn’t do it wrong? Like, that last eight, did that not feel a bit, you know, off? Okay, you’re going to go again. Yeah, that seems appropriate really.

Done now? Good. Okay, I think I wandered off topic a little, and that’s on me. What I am saying is sorry about that time, with Ashley West, but also, I should not then have told you that checking once probably wasn’t going to be enough, given, you know, YOU. And probably I should have said that twice would be enough, and I should not have left that up to your discretion. In my defence, you could have told me to eff off at any time!

Any good enough person would have done.

What was that? No, just a cough. Something stuck in my throat. Ignore me. Please, do. Don’t. No, do. Unless…. Is it today your Gran is flying back from Madrid by the way? Why? No reason. I’m sure it’s all going to be fine. Did you know that air travel is the safest way to travel? I mean, proportionally. Anyway. You’re right. We don’t need to get into… Oh we do. Yeah. May be for the best.

Have you done it twice like a good boy?

Well, you’ve done all you can now, if the plane crashes, it will not be your fault. Or, it’s unlikely to be your fault. Ah, do you remember the time you first did the count? Do you recall? It was in Chemistry, and I said, given you can’t check your bag without getting off that stool, maybe if you just counted out the checks in your head then no one would splash acid in their eyes and go blind. And what did I tell you? No one went blind! No one even spilled any acid! Saved your bacon there, didn’t I? And I TOTALLY heard you when you said that maybe that had nothing to do with counting or checking your stuff, but it’s like I always say, better safe than sorry. You have more power than you realise. Or you might. That brain of yours can do incredible things.

That brain could have done incredible things. Yeah, I know, that’s maybe on me. It’s not easy, is it? Like, keeping safe takes a bit of time, and yeah, maybe that doesn’t leave a lot of time for stuff like study and friends and all that. I honestly just wanted to make sure it all came out alright for you. The trouble is, when you started missing the deadlines, I thought I could soothe you. You know, like maybe if you touched all the handles, just like you did on that day when your brother had that fever, and you had that thought about dying, and then, in the morning, he was all calm and cool again, and totally alive, if you touched all the handles again maybe YOU would feel calm and cool and that would help you be able to do the work, and concentrate and everything. And stop worrying so you could rest. I thought if I said to you, just touch all the handles, one time, that might make it easier. I never meant for it to become a regular thing. But if it works, it works, right? And yes, I know, we don’t KNOW it works. But is it worth finding out? Because if it DOES work, and you don’t do it… Yeah. That.

Don’t think I don’t know what people say about me. But they don’t know the whole story, do they? I know you. I know what goes through your head sometimes. Like Ashley. I know you didn’t like her. But I know that you wouldn’t deliberately cause harm to anyone. I mean, you and I, together, we make sure of that don’t we? Keep everything in check. So you don’t need to worry. Not as long as I’m here. I should never have said that thing about you tripping Ashley up in the first place, but I did, and I take responsibility for it, and you can rest assured I will stick with you while we try to figure this mess out. I truly only want the best for you, and I will be here every step of the way. We’ve got this. Now, you’re going to have to check the News sooner or later. You gonna do it with my help, or without my help?

I thought so.