One Day You Called Me, "My Little Bean"

My beloved mother,

I write to you today because I’m still alive. I apologize for disappearing back when I was in high school. I can’t imagine the pain that you must have suffered during those frightening times. My beautiful soul left me, and I had nothing, but unearthly voices in my mind. I had forgotten who I was, the happy girl you gave birth to as your own. I have erased the existence of where I came from like water spilling on inked words, life was a blur.

I write to you today because I’m still alive and I’m here now to explain, to confess to you the truth. Years ago, I met him. He kept knocking and knocking in my mind, but I couldn’t ever see his face. I guess it’s fair to say that I couldn’t really see anyone’s face anymore at the time. He mocked me and would sometimes appear as my reflection in water. At first I was terrified and felt trapped, but later I welcomed him to stay. I met him, I met Death. The day before I disappeared, I told you that I no longer cared. It hurts me now to say this, but it was true. I no longer cared about the family, my friends, the world, and myself. All my emotions fell day by day like sand falling from an hourglass. First happiness disappeared, then fear disappeared, next was anger, and finally sadness. The feeling you gave me and taught me disappeared, so I disappeared. I felt nothing and I was numb. I just left you alone, with my ethereal body. You washed me, fed me, stretched me so I wouldn’t stiffen, and you’d hold my cold hands with your warm hands.

I write to you today because I’m still alive. Death floated above me and asked me to come. What Death never knew was that I lost the ability to care, even for him. So, I stayed on the couch where you’d take care of me. I stayed put in an endless cycle of darkness, a black hole in my mind. I thought how bad it hurts to feel numb. I’d rather be heartbroken than numb. Everyone including Death left me, except you. My young mother who has given birth to the girl she dreamed of having one day. My beautiful mother who wanted that title of “Mom”. My caring and kind mother who would do anything to sacrifice herself for me. My loving mother who would cradle me as a baby in her arms, have left her side. I hurt you first by hurting myself, but I hurt you most when I left my existence. You still cared for me, you cared for me because you are my mom. You cared for me because you believed I’d come back. You cared for me as proof that your dreams were not just dreams, but it’s real.

I write to you today because I’m still alive. I don’t know if you remember this, but you managed to take me outside one day near our garden so I can get some sun. Knowing you as my mom, I think you recall all our precious moments. You told me to listen to the bird’s chirp, see the calm blue sky, smell the fresh garden soil, and feel the refreshing breeze. I saw you walk to grab something. You crouched down and opened your hands. It was a seed. At the time, I just wanted to sleep. You insisted that I took care of it. During that moment, I talked again for the first time in forever to ask you, “what kind of seed is it?”. You told me that if I take care of it, then I’ll find out. You said to me that I don’t have to do anything, but to care for the seed. Maybe out of curiosity or some other reason I remember I decided to take care of it. I would wake up on sleepless mornings using all the energy I had left of me from my bedridden body to gently water the seed in the best garden soil. As days went by, I kept hoping that I’d see a sprout. After a few weeks, there was a green sprout and I felt happy. At this time, I’d make sure the plant had enough water and sunshine. I’d scare away the birds that would come near it and I’d keep it safe when the blazing sun was too much for the plant to handle. The plant started to keep growing and I got more excited. One day, I woke up to see my plant died. I thought, “it was just a plant, but why do I feel so sad”. I felt devastated and went straight to you. I thought I worked so hard to take care of it. I had one job these past few months and I failed to keep it alive. I asked you mom, “how did this happen?” and you replied that you weren’t sure and that maybe it was too hard for the plant to survive in this world. I thought it wasn’t fair, I tried so hard to keep it alive. I was frustrated and sad. I just sat down on the concrete floor and stared at the dead plant. You sat next to me and told me that it’s hard to take care of things and that it wasn’t my fault. You asked me if I did the best that I could to take care of it, and I nodded my head. You said that sometimes it’s up to the seed and that I can do everything I can, but it might still not work out for it. You looked at me and said, “But you’re still growing, and you haven’t given up”. The realization of reality hit me hard. Then and there those words echoed in my head, I was able to cry again, it felt like time stood still and that I was in the moment again. Life itself started to move and unravel. I was able to see your face again. You told me that it was okay, but I felt an aching pain in the bottom of my heart that I caused so much pain to you. In the end, I never knew what that plant was going to grow into. What was that seed you gave me? Would this plant have been able to propagate?

I write to you today because I’m alive and I’m here to tell you what I grew up to be. I write this to you out of respect and love that I have for you. I apologize for the aching pain I inflicted on you. Your little beautiful girl is back and should’ve never left. Today, I care for people to make a difference in their lives like how you made a difference in me. I’m a nurse now because of you and I care deeply. One last thing I have to tell you, is that you taught me to care and how to be a mother. My dear mom, I just found out that I am a mother now because of you. I’ll see you soon.

With love and warm regards,

Forever your daughter