NOWHERE TO TURN
when the pain of life is to much to bear, he will be right there.
No one cared about what I thought all they cared about was my body and how they can get a peace, no one cared about how I was feeling they just cared about getting a thrill. Growing up if I didn’t let my father touch on me sexually, he would beat me. Rather I fell asleep in my bedroom or in the living room he would find me, he always had on a black bathrobe with his black leather belt in the pocket of the bathrobe. if he heard One sound, one word, or One peep from me as he was fondling my nine-year-old body he would pull his belt out in strike me with it across my face.
When my mother told me that I had to go stay with my father for a while I cried on bending knees not to go stay with him, because I knew that something was off about him and I never felt safe around him but I didn’t know how to explain that to my mother all I knew was to cry out for help but still that didn’t work my mother made me go live with him anyway. She said that I had an attitude problem, and she couldn’t deal with it. But that was not true, I was a frightened, shy, abused, and quiet little girl who felt like no one was there to protect me.
From the age of nine until thirteen I was sexually and physical abused by my father and stepsister, My stepsister was one year older than me and she was much bigger then I was and anytime that we would cross paths she would hit me or pull my hair she was very mean to me and I didn’t know why at the time but now I believe that it was her own hurt, pain, abuse and jealousy that she was battling with and she took it out on me. The only time that she was nice to me was when it was our nap time, but she was only being nice so that she could grind on me.
After two years of living in hell with my father and stepsister I was moved back in with my mother part time. Throughout the week I would stay with my mother in on the weekends I would stay with my father but all of that changed after a year and a half when my stepsister told her mother that my father raped her.
My father went to jail for about eight years for raping my stepsister I was about thirteen at the time, and I was so happy when he went away ...
During the trial there was times when my father would come and visit me at my mother house. one day while she was gone my father came over to see me / threaten me he walked into the bathroom with me as I was going to wash my face he set on top of the toilet and said "you know if I go to jail nobody is going to take care of you like I do so I advise you to lie if you have to get on the stand and testify against me if you know what’s good for you" then he left .
I was so scared that he was going to do something to me because after court he always left with my mother and I, my mother would let him take me with him after she was dropped off at home, he would take me to a park by the water or to a drive-in movie and bring me back home at the night hour. I did not understand why my mother would even be ok with me being with him after all he was on trial for rape of a minor, but I guess that my mother thought he was innocent, but I wished that she was thinking about my safety and wellbeing. I was so happy I didn’t get called up on the stand because I didn’t know what I would have said, I did not feel safe to tell the truth knowing that my father had unlimited access to me.
When the jury found him guilty, I was so happy to walk out of that courthouse without him, as my mother drove us home in his rapist fan, I cried tears of joy and fear. happy that I wouldn’t be getting abused anymore but scared of the unknown. once I got into the house I went into the bathroom and got down on my knees in I asked god to protect me from all hurt and pain I asked god to fill my heart, mine, body and soul with fearlessness ,strength ,and courage and from that day forward I have been navigating through the world without fear and being brave enough to stand up for myself and my friends I never give up I keep pushing, fighting and striving.
About the author
I like to put a lot of my emotions, experiences, and opinions into what I write. I like being able to make my writing something other people can connect to or relate to in some way by generalizing the thoughts and experiences I'm writing.