Notion

Notion?

He has a notion that I love him way more than the way he feels about me.

I told him girls are naturally a lot more emotional than guys. And women in general are meant to be more nurturing.

He smirked.

The love I saw in his eyes was the last time we saw each other.

There was so much certainty in his eyes.

His daring blue eyes.

The love I’ve felt for him comes way before that day.

If he is looking for someone fun, spontaneous and passionate.. I am that.

Imagine trapping your feelings for someone in for almost 10years and you finally share.

My situation was such a roller coaster ride that felt like it would never end and it finally ended.

I just wasn’t brave enough to do more at the time. When we were younger.

Whether it was my age or lack of experience. Or just because I’m conservative.

He told me he needed time to himself, maybe for reflecting and just taking care of himself, but also agreed to do things with me. He mentioned he’s busy with work too and I can totally understand that too. Which I’m so thankful for, because I want to give us a chance.

I swear it felt like I was just studying him the entire time. It was surreal to spend time with him.

I totally smothered him, I felt it afterwards.

It was just the fact that I genuinely missed him.

His time is so valuable to me.

It made me so happy to massage him.

His temples, back, shoulders, hands..

Talk to him about family and work, simple topics. I know they can be dry topics, but I’d talk about anything with him.

Sometimes I feel like he’s waiting for me to do something towards him, like initiate something, but it takes a tad more for that to happen.

I’m more expressive in some ways and in other ways I’m a shy wreck.

I reflected on what he said and he’s right.

I’m going to continue working on myself too. I need to. He kept putting on his sun glasses and it felt so strange not getting to look into his eyes the way I did. I kept looking around instead. He did the same. Almost like he didn’t want to connect the way we did. Made me so nervous.

I still got to see his smirks and the faces he makes. He yawned.

He’s so handsome.

His voice is my favorite sound.

I’m so thankful he was able to come today.

As far as the future goes, life the way I imagined may still happen.

It’s very strange coming back to this "dating" life/mindset.

Maybe I need to start dating. Should I?

He said he did some dating and decided to take time for himself.

Is that how I’ll understand his mindset better?

So I’m not talking to him as a wife/mother. It’s insane. I know it. I notice after I say certain things.

I told him I don’t want to waste time.

He told me he doesn’t want to either.

I feel like if the guy can’t initiate, it’s a real disappointment.

Men say they like shy, feminine women, but if you do, you need to do something about it.

Men say they want/look for a submissive woman VS A loud woman who is a feminist.

Men say “look for a woman you’d be proud to have a daughter just like her”, so what kind of woman is that?

Men say they want/value women “less traveled”, someone they can have as “theirs”. Why don’t they show it?

Men say that women who are more traveled aren’t trustworthy, because they won’t stay.

Men say, “stay away from women who want you for what you have and not for who you are”. I feel like that’s common sense.

I left a toxic long term relationship with someone who was becoming and occupational therapist.. Here’s the thing.

If it were about “the money”, I would’ve tolerated and continued, because income wise, it’d be great. However, a relationship can’t have a foundation of just how much does my partner make. It’ll never survive.

A relationship (if healthy) is built on a lot more than that.

Men say, “look for a woman who wants to be a wife, who loves children, and will respect you”. (Men prefer respect VS love)

Men say, “women who don’t love children are a red flag” and there are other “red flags”.

Men say to go for a woman who you can build with and who looks to stay in shape, cares about her health and who is intellectual.

Think about this, you stop and reflect. You understand and realize you are the “ideal” woman. What now?

I think and process way too much to let go and become like these other girls. I’m just too strict with myself for that.

He’s the only one I would’ve risked that with, you know?

Whether it’s because of trusting/caring/respecting him or just because he’s just attractive to me.

I’m thinking and feeling like I should just end this year with just me. I’m debating. Contemplating.

He said similar values aren’t enough, but not giving us a chance isn’t enough neither.

I remember him saying he was looking for a southern girl, I am already that. It made me happy to hear such things.

I remember him saying specifically he wanted a nurse, but does he realize how bossy nurses are? I’m not a nurse, but maybe I’ll get back into that whole thing… My mom is still a nurse and usually men don’t want to be told what to do, and maybe not all nurses care about who their with where they’ll just let them be. Like if they have any health problems, they’ll just let their significant others do what they want regarding their health VS being like, “we need to get you to do this more, this less. Take this, instead of that”so on and so forth.

If I’m considered “bossy” now, imagine me as a nurse.

Also, men say, “stay away from women with tattoos and odd colored hair”, so I understand from all that I’ve studied/understood I am under the “ideal” category.

Is that supposed to be a bad thing?

I’ve been told countless of times, I’m “too nice”…… Ok? I mean, do you want to stir my pot and find out?

I’ve been told I’m too “pure”.. I mean, isn’t that a compliment? What would another nickname be if I wasn’t?

I love to try new things.

It made me so happy to see him trying new things.

He said he doesn’t like the World Cup. He’s not into it at least. I’m not surprised.

I only care about soccer during the World Cup, but even still, it’s not life/death if I watch it or don’t.

I’m naturally not into sports, period, however.. I am into memories and if im with someone who likes it, I want to spend time with them watching it.

Not like a sickness, like, if the guy only watches games and does nothing else with his life… To me, that’s just very sad.

There’s more to life than games (I’m generalizing).

I love and care wholeheartedly. I will literally give my all in a relationship.

I don’t see that as a toxic trait.

This isn’t something anyone taught me, it’s the way I am.

I told him, I was raised by a nurse, it’s hard for me not to care about people.

I feel like he understood what I meant. About a chance.

I’ve read about "high value" men and women.

High value men… He’s a high value man to me.

They are successful, stable men and confident. They date to marry not to play around.

When you’re dating to marry, getting to know one another is way more fun.

In my opinion.

High value men don’t marry women who sleep around. Or so I’ve read.

They even use expressions for women like that. Which can be offensive, but it’s what they do.

High value women, they take care of themselves and are classy.

High value women don’t sleep around, they also date to marry.

I’m a high value woman.

I’ve got plans for 2023.

Professional growth. Still trying to unscramble and figure that out.

Still wondering if I should/shouldn’t travel alone. I’ve heard it’s a great experience, but I know it would be so much better with him.

He is the only man I’ve felt safe with, you know? (Besides my dad and brother)

He showed me his new gun, granted I’m not good with gun names, I think he mentioned it’s a kind of rifle.

I’m so proud of him.

He said he still talks from time to time with that best friend I was so furious with.

I wrote about my experience with him.

I thought about it today and I feel nothing.

My anger regarding him is gone.

Notion? I’m scared to say they’ve been reading my blogs? Is that the notion?

I feel like he would’ve said something about it.