Not looking for validation, just your love.

I never thought I would ever tell you about this, not something I have ever told anyone, for the fear of losing you and being judged. This is quite difficult to put into words, one of the biggest regrets I will ever have, and one of the stupidest things I have ever done. Well... here goes nothing... I hope by the end of this, you will not hate me nor look at me differently... I'm sorry for having been inconsiderate in doing it, I wasn't thinking. One of the only times in my life when I felt lonely, deep in my thoughts, but never thinking of how this would have affected anyone. The only time I felt selfish, only considering my feelings and what would make me feel better. I am rambling, in fear that I will be judged by you, but here it goes.

There was a day that my heart was really hurt, I felt the solitude was slowly creeping in... I couldn't take it anymore, I felt I couldn't mentally bear the pain. I was by myself, just thinking "I wonder if he would notice... I wonder if he would care... would anyone care?" Then the darkest of voices came to mind, it took advantage of the weakest of my moments, and took the driver seat; the devil was trying to get me to dance the last song with him. The voice kept saying "just do it, no one will miss you... come on, nobody even knows you exist." I fought it for as long as I could, but it got the best of me, it took the worst of me... it took all of me. Not much to stop me, just a glass of poison and my thoughts... poison of my own making, to see if anyone would care. With the seconds passing, nobody around, the temptation of playing the scariest game with the reaper, I took the plunge. Feeling the burning sensation of the serpent slithering down my throat, leaving a trace of its venom, making sure there was no going back... then, it hit me, the enlightening thought of what I would be leaving behind... you. You had been the thing that had saved my life before, the one who gave my life purpose... to just disregard you like you didn't exist wouldn't have been fair. With that thought, I regretted giving in, quickly trying to take it back. I could not go on with this scheme, sad ending to my story, and give up seeing you grow and become a great man. After slaying the demon of my almost-demise, I passed out, not sure for how long, but I came back to realize nothing had changed; still alone in my moment of need, fighting my demons, and still not knowing my purpose. But what I did know, is that you were all I needed. The day you were born, was the greatest day of my life, and I didn't even know it. As the time passed, so did my sorrows... you weren't even mine, but you were going to be the greatest gift I'd ever receive.

I hope when you see this, if you see it, you will not hate me, will not judge me too hard, or will not distance yourself from me. I'm sorry for not considering you sooner, I'm sorry for almost hurting you, I'm sorry for disappointing you. Thank you for being there for me when you didn't know you were important to me when you thought that I didn't care. I have lived a horrible truth, to only find myself to be stronger, wiser, smarter, and more ready; I never intended to hurt you, but in hurting myself, I was hurting you. In damaging myself, I damaged you. You have been through enough, to put more strain on your person, and for that I'm sorry. I love you, my blessing.