Not Just Wrong, To Tell the Truth I was Dead Wrong

“Tryna find a way, getting better every day

And I got you, now I'm not alone

All I need in this life is one

One thing to believe in”

-Sum41, Speak of the Devil

I woke up, covered in a sweat again with the song “All Wrong” playing in my head. I’m not dead, but thinking of the words you said because the words you read that I wrote, I kinda wish the glass had cut through my throat instead of my arm and spared you the harm of being alarmed of seeing me bleed… Even if the thought only resided in the darkest part of your dreams. I know it’s not fair, but I promise I cared. I still do, but I understand that this broken man had a broken plan. And Hell is real, it’s just a life without you… Nothing’s ever enough, it’s never enough, no it’s never enough…

Comfort and peace of mind are luxuries that some people will never be able to afford. If you find yourself slithering with snake eyes, just pray that venom never seeps into your bloodstream, turning your lucky streak into a paralytic spiral of misfortune. Emotional wounds inflicted by another can be quite devastating, but self-inflicted wounds are often fatal. A “serene” average summer evening can suddenly turn into a cascade of chaos for anyone, just as it happened to me.

After a wonderful first year at university in Maryland, I returned back home to California for the summer while my girlfriend at the time (let’s call her “Poland”) returned back home to Pennsylvania. It was a bittersweet departure, but it was only a separation of two and a half months, and we could and would regularly text and facetime. Only a handful of my friends from high school were in town and a few of my friends from university also lived in the same area, so for the most part I would spend the summer drinking MD 2020 (there was a local liquor store that didn’t card if you presented as confident) while watching Tommy Wiseau’s “The Room” on repeat.

This was rather enjoyable, especially with the occasional excursions to hang out with friends and the regular exchanges of goofy memes and facetimes with моя любовь, but more likely than not the excessive drinking was very likely starting to have cognitive side effects.

I started to have recurring dreams of a former “friend with benefits” of mine (let’s call her “Germany”) dying tragically. Now this was bizarre for several reasons. I hadn’t spoken or interacted with Germany for months at this point in time, I hadn’t seen any social media posts by her for months at this point in time, and incidentally Germany and Poland were former roommates that didn’t quite get along to put it lightly (this is independent of me - they merely were two very different people who were randomly assigned to live together and they happened to be my neighbors). While I was aware that they didn’t get along, my relationship with Germany occurred way before I was in any sort of romantic relationship or even close friendship with Poland, so at no point did I ever think it was relevant to even mention to Poland that Germany and I had a relationship of sorts.

After about a week of these unsettling recurring nightmares of Germany dying, I checked social media one day and I saw that Germany apparently was hit by a car and was now in a coma. I’m not religious, I’m not spiritual, I don’t believe in psychics, but this (at the time) was the second time I randomly started having extensive specific foreboding thoughts about someone relatively close to me that came to fruition. She didn’t die, but for a while it was not looking good (ultimately she made a full recovery and to my knowledge is doing well to this day).

Naturally, I was freaked and losing my mind for several reasons: 1) I was worried about her condition; 2) it felt insane that this is the second time that I had such specific, persistent haunting “visions” of specific people getting severely hurt that came to fruition within a week; 3) I felt really confused and guilty when I had to reach out to Poland about it because, to reiterate, I was aware that they kinda hated each other and I did “hook-up” with Germany at some point and never told Poland about it, even though this was way before Poland and I were in any sort of romantic relationship; and 4) I was still drinking excessively and continuously.

Now, when I reached out to Poland about Germany being in a coma, of course she was saddened by the news because, despite the fact that (justifiably) she forever and always will hate every atom that has ever even danced with another near my epidermis, she is one of the sweetest, kindest individuals I have ever met and likely even exists on this planet.

My texts and behavior became progressively more and more erratic, stuck in this terrible positive feedback loop of being unhinged due to feeling like I was lying by omission, feeling terrible and apologizing for being unhinged, but because I felt so terrible it would make me more unhinged, and the cycle continued. Poland was very understanding and forgiving for quite a while, but obviously this started to absolutely obliterate her mental health. It is also important to note that I was her very first romantic relationship and we were very close as friends, knowing the majority of each others’ life stories, so the effects of someone you care for so deeply suddenly becoming a lunatic damages your psychological and emotional state of being so much more intensely.

While of course I didn’t intend for any of this to occur, and even over a decade later having not communicated with Poland, I still think about her from time to time and hope that she’s been able to recover mentally. Obviously, I can’t go back in time, and the likelihood of me presently reaching out to her causing her more distress than comfort/closure is far too high to ever even consider. Even though this was years after, when I was bleeding out on the sidewalk, she was still one of the few faces that crossed my mind before I lost consciousness. I hope she has found comfort and peace because even though I’m unambiguously one of the, if not the, greatest villains in the story of her life,I always cared about her, still care about her, and always will.

“Time, it's been so long and now there's nothing to say

I'm trying so hard to find the words to say

I'm tired of being, now I'm something I'm not

I can't believe, and I never thought

Days would come to an end

Well, maybe someday we'll meet again

If ever that day never comes it would be too soon, my love”