Not a Word!

I wish I never started to talk. I wish that when I was a baby I would have decided never to say my first word. I would obviously have had more difficulties communicating my needs and desires to others, but I already have difficulties doing that, and I do know how to speak.

If I never spoke, eventually someone would have worried and would have tried to discover the reason for my mutism. They would have discovered many things through this desire to know the truth, not necessarily the real reason for my mutism, but discoveries are bound to happen when someone is looking for something. We don’t necessarily find what we were looking for, but we do get an answer.

To be honest, I want to believe someone would have wanted to discover the truth, but my parents never worried about the fact that most of my brothers learned how to talk later than they should have. As I’m a girl, if I never spoke, they probably would have assumed that I was shy and never even tried to learn the truth. They assumed that I was shy because I didn’t speak to many people and I believed them which made it even harder for me to communicate with others. ‘Oh, I’m shy, it’s normal that I don’t want to talk to people. I don’t need to be outgoing, that’s not what shy people do.’ I internalized what they said and assumed they were right.

The truth is, I’m not very shy. I love to talk to people and I would say tons of things to the ones who cared to listen. If only I knew what to say and when. If I knew the mysteries of communications. The mysteries most people seem to understand right away. There’s a how, a what and a when. The way you say things is important, you should understand how to say things. What to say is also important to keep into consideration, there are things you should never say. This society is full of taboos that we shouldn’t even mention. Also, there are moments when you can’t say certain things. It would be utterly inappropriate to say certain things at certain times. And everything must have a link to the thing that has been said previously in order to keep a nice flow with the conversation. Even the person you're speaking to is important to take into consideration in a conversation.

Is there a manual nobody gave me? Did they forget to give me the 101 communication class? Because none of those things are clear. It’s so difficult that if I try to follow your rules, I only get to say a few words in a conversation. They say women talk all the time, but men keep on interrupting and silencing everything a woman says. As if there was a war between men and women that I wasn’t aware of. For some reason, it’s even harder for women to communicate, since they have way more rules of communication than men. If a man says something inappropriate, it will be overlooked and taken as a joke. ‘It’s just a joke, don’t take it too seriously.’ But if a woman says something slightly inappropriate, then insults are flying her way.

Hopefully, I haven’t lived through those insults, but I did witness it from afar. I say hopefully, but the cost of it is me being considered shy. The cost of it is forcing myself to keep quiet when I’m not sure how the other person would take it. They say women can’t take compliments and men don’t receive many. But compliments can be perceived as insults depending on the background of people. Women are way more understanding of that fact, which is the reason most of them don’t compliment men. In most cases, the men misunderstand the compliment and either think it’s an insult or an invitation.

I do not like to talk about the differences between men and women, because I perceive gender pretty much the same way for both. But it is true there are differences in society's perception of gender. I’m disappointed in society, but I can’t voice myself, or I’ll be shot down. But it doesn’t really matter to me as it’s not what I want to talk about either way.

Even if I were a boy, I still wouldn’t know what to say, when and how. And it gives me a lot of displeasure. I wish all the time that I never started to speak. So many things would be better if I never started talking. I could ignore people without them knowing and without feeling bad about it. People would know for sure that I could keep their secrets, that I won’t say a word about them. I wouldn’t have to feel bad in a conversation, not knowing what to say or when to speak. I would still have learned who to write, in as many languages as I could, so there would still be a way for me to easily communicate. I wouldn’t be interrupted since we can’t really interrupt already written words. People could just stop reading them, but I wouldn’t feel ignored if someone even glanced at what I’ve written. I could express the things I want to say whenever I want and people would understand if it’s linked only to the previous conversation. I wouldn’t need to repeat myself over and over again because of a misunderstanding. I would have proof of what I said and could remember conversations more easily. There should be less yelling, as my nonverbal communication would clearly state that I don’t like it. Or it might be worse, sometimes it’s hard to predict people’s actions and reactions.

I would have learned sign language or created my own nonverbal communication system. I could have created my own written language as well and taught it to only a few people, so we could have a secret conversation. Or I could have created a language with sounds, just like hitting on a glass with a cutlery is meant to get everyone’s attention. There is way more than just verbal communication, so why are people so picky as to which communication system we should use? ‘You have to talk if you physically can.’ Is the message they’re choosing. Not ‘you should use the communication system that suits you best if it doesn’t imply to hurt someone else.’

If I didn’t talk, I wouldn’t have to work at a job where I need to be social and talk all the time. I wouldn’t have worked at that job I took only to please my mother. My mother wouldn’t have implied for me to take a job. She might even have thought that it would have been practically impossible for me to find one. Which is obviously false, but people tend to have quite low expectations when it comes to people with differences or disabilities. But I am curious about what kind of work would have accepted me.

I wonder if I would have been able to go to school and get my diploma. Would they have made an exception for me about oral presentations since I wouldn't have talked? What group projects would have looked like? Would I have made friends? Would I have caused a scene to get someone’s attention? Would I have been bullied? Those are some of the questions that I would have had to ask myself if I never spoke.

When I was a child, I wanted to become a firefighter. I learned a lot of things about this subject, but I grew older and found new passions that required the use of my voice. If I never spoke would I have kept that passion and became a firefighter? Passions evolve, but we don’t really need to talk to fight against fire. We can’t really bore fire to death with our words. In fact, talking to the fire might even make it stronger. But it would have been harder to communicate with my colleagues in case of an emergency. We probably would have created cue sounds to communicate with everyone.

One of our current customers at work is blind, and I did interact with blind people multiple times in my life. What would those interactions look like if I never spoke? How would I have communicated with them? I guess, if I had a cellphone I could download an app to synthesize words into a voice or use an online website that does the same thing. Or I would have needed an intermediary to read what I wrote. So many solutions and possibilities. I wonder what would have happened in those alternate situations. Only one thing truly different, but it would have changed my whole life.

I would probably already be a popular author, and I would have used my real name as we usually don’t confuse a talking character with a mute author, even if they have similar characteristics. I would have had a bunch of online friends, maybe not that many real life friends, but they would definitely be my real friends.

You might wonder; ‘If you hate speaking that much, why don’t you just stop it all together?’ And the reason is simple. When I was 17, I had a rough time in college and failed a class for the first time. I acted out and said something I shouldn’t have in front of people who shouldn’t have heard it. I decided never to speak again. However, only one day after this decision, my father and some of my siblings started fighting and hitting me in order for me to stop my mutism. I ended up writing a letter and deciding to talk again after three days. I really wish I could just stop talking, but it’s not a possibility for me.

People say, your actions speak louder than words, and it should be that way. But society proved over and over again that it’s not true. Only when you can’t say a word does your actions speak louder than words and even then, people manage to ignore you completely until you do something unforgivable.

My curse is that I decided to speak when I didn’t know what it would mean. Because of this choice, I live in a nightmare where every single one of the words I say are held against me. Even if I meant well. Even if I apologize. Or even if I just didn’t say them at the right time, or I forgot to tell them altogether. Every single thing has importance and I can’t mess up any of them, or it will be held against me.

‘As long as you don’t hurt anyone, you can say whatever you want.’ Every single one of the words I say are hurting me, but no one cares about that, do they? They only care about whether or not the words hurt them. Also, it’s not even true, because you also ‘need to say things that ease the other’s pain.’ But what about my pain? Who will ease my pain? Because no one even seems to notice it. So I’ll suffer in silence and wish I made better choices.

‘You’re lucky you can speak, so you should take advantage of what you can do. Now that you can speak, you have to do it.’ I feel like I’m in a world where the first word you say as a baby will decide what you would do later in life. As if I just ended up saying ‘seve peple’ as my first word, and they decided to make me become the servant of the queen under all the other servants. ‘You’re lucky to serve the queen! Some people never even get to breathe the same air as the queen.’ And I would have preferred never to breathe in the first place. ‘Be grateful your first word wasn’t ‘poo’ or became a person good for nothing who doesn’t speak.’ And yet those people’s lives aren’t at stake every time they say something, and they are free to do whatever they want when they do what they have to do. ‘You already said what you wanted to do.’ When I was a baby, I didn’t know any of the options that I had. Why do you keep bringing back something I did when I didn’t even have the conscience of reality? It’s absurd. And we live with it.

The world is not meant for people who don't want to fit in a box. The world is only meant for one type of people and too bad if you’re not from that group. Well, not really the world, but society. Society has been made to fit the needs of only a few people even if there’s enough resources for everyone. People don’t get punished if they fit in these boxes, but if you deviate just a little, you’re being persecuted. I haven’t been persecuted, but that’s only because I tried my best to fit in their little boxes. But sometimes, I wish I never got myself intertwined in these boxes, so I could be myself through my nonverbal communication, my favorite kind of communication. And I wish I could be myself without any fear of persecution.