No, I Am Not Okay
And if you think you are, you're lying.
No, I am not okay.
I haven’t been okay in quite a while really.
I’ve been having a major stress response to this pandemic.
I’ve been on high alert and defensive mode.
I’ve been watching my back and fending off germs.
I’ve been tightening up every time I get a general exposure notification for myself or my child.
I’ve been getting my nostril swabbed and spitting in tubes. I’ve been masked since the beginning for my job.
I am not okay.
I’m not too excited about Christmas.
I am not too excited about gathering and hearing someone had the infamous C.
I am not looking forward to the rest of the year of half-living.
I am not okay that my son missed field trips, special projects, sleepovers, and get-togethers with friends and birthday parties.
I am not okay that my life just hasn’t felt the same.
I am not okay that I lost a family member to this illness.
I am not okay that my student loans are about to come due and they are too expensive because of the interest rate brought on by my government that was kind enough to loan me money and then capitalize all of the interest.
I am not okay that every Christmas the stress outways the enjoyment, but I can’t afford to skip town either.
I am not okay that every time I scroll on the internet someone wants to sell me something or show me something that is going so “great” in their lives.
If you are not sad right now you are not paying attention.
This world is falling apart.
I am not okay with the kids in masks all day hardly able to make friends because of the barriers placed upon them.
I am not okay for the kids that are so behind in school it will be hard for them to catch up.
I need a reprieve. I call uncle.
Please pay attention. Please stop acting like things can go on like normal.
They can not. Not yet.
Hospitals are still full.
People are still dying.
We all need a breather. We all need to tap out. We all need some time to just be not bombarded by this life.
It’s okay to tell someone no this year ( and every year.)
It’s okay to put your personal needs first.
It’s okay to feel depleted.
It’s okay to need more time to make a decision.
It’s okay to feel anxious or depressed, our adrenals are worn down.
It’s okay to see a doctor or therapist or to get help.
It’s okay to surrender.
It’s okay to forgive yourself if you feel you are not at your full potential right now.
Right now is not the time to hustle. Right now is the time to huddle together and love one another.
We feel like we are fighting this battle alone, but we are not fully alone when we share how we are feeling. We may be surprised how connected we really are.
Speak up and next time someone asks how you are, tell them the truth.
I am not okay today. It’s all too much.
Let someone in.
It may help them too.
You may get a weird look and who cares. I no longer want to be a secret.
It’s time to live fully.
If you feel like you don’t have the emotional energy to be the perfect parent or partner right now I am right there with you.
I’m going to tell it as I see it because to me it looks like everyone is ignoring reality and singing la, la, la, la.
It might look like things are improving and maybe they are in some places but check in with your nearest child. They are struggling. Check-in with your nearest educator. Check-in with your nearest nurse. Check-in with the parents, the pharmacists, the restaurant employees. Most places are short on staff right now. We are all pulling more weight than we can bear.
I pray this year gives us some grace. I pray we get through this. I pray for so much peace.
And if you are barely hanging on, I send you strength.
About the author
Author of Let Your Privates Breathe-Breaking the Cycle of Addiction and Family Dysfunction. Available at The Black Hat Press: