My Friendship with The One...

He was that guy. That guy that was always available, but the one I could never have. It's been over 13 years since I last saw him. Even then he was available and yet I was not. The timing never struck right for us. There was always something - there was always someone. But we always kept in touch. Through the years, no matter how many miles between us, whenever he would call, I was there. Whenever I would call, he was there. 

It started in the 7th grade, and our years of friendship would continue wherever life took us. I always knew how he felt about me. From the very beginning, he treated me with admiration and respect. The kind that young, impressionable women have unfortunately been deprived of for centuries. In my younger years, I did not know what to do with his affection for me. Though I enjoyed it, I wish I saw myself the way he saw me. Maybe I would have let myself feel the same for him. He was so genuine in his love for me, I was always left questioning - why? And so we stayed friends, he had to love me from a distance, I realize that now. Boyfriends and girlfriends came and went, the pedestal he had put me on should have led me to believe that I deserved better than the ones I dated, but to this day I cannot explain why I didn't just let myself have him. Was I so insecure that I did not believe in the way he saw me? Was I that afraid that if I took the next step with him he would see me for what I really was and instantly change his mind? He remained my very best friend, a love I convinced myself should not be replaced by anything more.

In our junior year of high school, I found myself in what I did not see at the time - a very toxic relationship. He was jealous and used flattery and guilt to control me. Looking back on it now, it pains me to know that I had believed he really loved me. We fought constantly about why my best friend was a guy. After one particularly bad fight, he had me call my cell phone provider in front of him and have my number changed. For almost two years I fell victim to his control, his love-bombing, manipulation, and gaslighting. After graduation, he joined the marines. Before he left for boot camp, he declared that we would marry as soon as he came back. I used this as my opportunity to escape. It still took a lot of drama and fear to do so once he was back, but that story is much too long and for another time. I used to sneak away to hang out with my best friend behind his back. He would pick me up in his car and we would drive around all day, talking. Eventually, we would stop for coffee and sit outside while smoking cigarettes. That nicotine, and him. I could relax and laugh again. I would complain and he would hold me. He asked me several times why I was still with the guy. I did not have the guts to say out loud that whenever I tried to break it off, he would threaten himself and guilt me into staying by proclaiming his love for me over and over again. I never wanted to feel that trapped ever again.

After high school, my best friend moved to Washington State. When I asked him why he left, he replied that there just wasn't anything left for him here. He wanted to start somewhere new. I admired this so much. I immediately felt stuck in my life. I dropped out of college the second semester of my first year, got a full-time job as a receptionist, and continued to date even more assholes. I was 21 when my heart was broken a second time. We had been living together for almost a year when he decided he wasn't ready to be in a serious relationship after all. I was back at my parent's house and felt even more stuck than I'd ever been. Stuck and incapable with no motivation to move on or succeed in a better life. I started to go out every night after work and drink my sorrows away. It sounds pathetic. I felt pathetic. It started to get exceedingly worse and one night, sounding almost incoherent, I called my best friend in tears. It was well past 2 in the morning, but he answered. He always answered. 

"I can't do it anymore, my life sucks, I need something better," I sobbed, "Please come back. I need you." 

These are the words I cried to him that night, although the next morning I would have no recollection of it, or of what his response was. We didn't talk again after that night…not for a while. I was embarrassed, and fell back into my insecurities, believing that there was no way he could still want me after all these years, after behaving so desperately. 

It would be more than two years later before I would receive a phone call from him again. Within those two years, I met my husband. It was a whirlwind romance, a summer of pure carefree love and release that I craved in my early twenties. My husband, I met through music. His family, his band, friends, and extended family accepted me and I felt like I belonged - finally. His love felt real, and unconditional, mixed with adventure and filled with music. The feeling of finally belonging with the fulfilled desire to become that free spirit I've always wanted to be was enough for me at the time and within 6 months of meeting we were talking of marriage. 3 months after planning it, we were married in my parent's backyard. After a quick, modest honeymoon at his parent's beach house (because lord knows we could not afford much else), I hopped in the van with the band and prepared for a fun ride with a bunch of musicians for a short tour across a few states. While stopped at a gas station, I received a call from an unknown number that looked to be overseas. I let it go to voicemail and almost immediately the number rang again. Curious, I picked it up, fully prepared to sarcastically dismiss a spam caller. 

"Abbey." was all I heard on the other end. My heart dropped, I hadn't heard his voice in so long. the call was staticky and I could hear him, but the sound came through poorly. But I was ecstatic to hear from him. "Where have you been? How are you?" He hesitated, and then told me he had joined the Airforce and was stationed overseas. Wow, I was left speechless. I was happy for him, he sounded so well. He apologized for not reaching out earlier, but he was getting ready to be stationed back in the states. His first choice was Virginia Beach, and he had just gotten word that he got it, so he wanted to tell me. "That's only four hours away, we have to get together once you get there!" If only I knew now my words would turn out as empty as they felt. I was avoiding my big news. After telling me all about his adventures, he finally asked what I had been up to. It was my turn to hesitate. "I…got married," I said quietly. He fell silent for what seemed like an eternity. "Wait - you got MARRIED?" as surprised as he sounded, I sensed a sadness in his voice for the remainder of our conversation. After a quick summary of my new life, he genuinely expressed his happiness for me. But the emptiness in both of our voices was evident. After we hung up, I prayed that we would keep in touch like we always have through the years, but I knew there would be a world of difference in our friendship from now on. 

I haven't seen him in 13 years. Our friendship had managed to remain intact through messages and phone calls. We are in our 30s now, both married with children. Our most recent conversation was about 3 or 4 years ago after he had met his wife in Virginia Beach and I wanted to message him to congratulate him. Those messages turned reminiscent and then serious. He brought up the time I had called him in the middle of the night drunk and in tears. Embarrassed, I automatically went into a defensive mode. 

"I was in a dark place in my life at that time, I had no idea what I was doing - what I was saying." 

He told me everything I had blurted out all those years ago. He remembered everything. 

"You told me you needed me, Abbey. I'll never forget that. How it made me feel." He would then continue to tell me that it wasn't long after that conversation when he joined the Airforce. 

"I wanted to be better. For you. I wanted to make something of myself before I came back for you. You were my reason." 

My heart instantly broke at hearing those words. Realizing that the day he called to tell me he was back and to be stationed at the closest location to me only for me to tell him that I had gotten married. Immediately my thoughts were filled with what-ifs. What if I hadn't gotten married? What if I had just given us a chance from the very beginning? Where would we be now? Would our friendship had stayed as strong within an intimate relationship? What if that was the factor of it all, permanently deeming it just not meant to be? 

Looking back on it now, I do wish I had given us a chance. Just to know, just to satisfy my endless curiosity about it all. I could have avoided many disastrous relationships. Or maybe not. Maybe I would still have encountered just as badly. I will never know this. But I am who I am today because of what I have been through, I will always know that. And his role in my life is a huge part of who I am. I've now been married almost 12 years to a man I believe truly loves me for who I am, unconditionally, and understands me at my best, and better yet, at my worst. We have two beautiful children that are my absolute, entire world. For all this, I have zero regrets about how my life turned out. Wishing I had done one thing differently will never change that. I could say the same for how my best friend's life turned out. I know he wouldn't change anything in the world for the family that he has made for himself. He used to joke that I was the girl that ultimately friend-zoned him for life. The feminist in me had other words for that term...

Though life had other plans for us, we were there for each other when it was needed, and we will always have that. For any wayward thoughts on what could have been, there are still those dreams, driving away somewhere far, breathing it in, before I exhale and wake, like nicotine.

Thank you for reading. This story was inspired by the poem below, please enjoy!