My First Love, I Do Not Regret Us.
A distant memory.
I think you know who you are, at least you should know who you are, but I know you never had the emotions for me that I had for you, so maybe I am just a distant memory. Where do I begin? The history we share(d) together, excuse me, the 5 years of history we made together was something I will never forget, even though some days life would be easier if I could forget it. Honestly, I wanted to spend my life with you, I would have given anything to spend life with you. In fact, I did everything I could do to make you the happiest person in the world because I was born to love and you know how much love I had for you. I found out that it was not possible to please you, not that you are or were ever a mean person, I know deep inside of you, you feel things and you have a heart. But some people just do not like to show that side of them, and you, I am not sure if you will ever show or tell what you really feel or say what you really think. That makes me sad for you, not being able to express your emotions in the world we live in must be awful, life was made for people to feel things, inside and outside of us. What kind of world would it be if we did not have the capability of feeling? To me, it would be a sad, lonely, unhealthy place. But, back to our story. I met you when I was in 9th grade and you were in 10th grade, crazy right? That we spent basically our whole high school careers together, facing every moment of teenage life together. When I first met you, you were a different person, or maybe I was just too blind to see who you truly were, I am still unsure of that. Again, I am not trying to say you were a bad person or are a bad person, but you were definitely not the person for me. It is just a shame that it took me 5 years to figure that out. You knew who I was inside and out, you knew everything about me, you were my best friend. I believe that is the reason it was always hard for me to let you go, you never judged me for who I was, or what all I have been through, you listened to me, never responded much but I could live with that. I had a best friend sitting in front of me and i mistook that for love, yes I did love you. I still do, and I probably will for the rest of my life. But, the love I have for you is different than it was when I first met you. Life with you was good, fun, happy, until you did not appreciate all the love I had given you. I did not give up on us, you and I both know I am not the type of person to give up on anything. I simply let you go, because I deserved better and you deserved time to think. The hardest thing I ever did in my life was let you go. I will never forget that day and all the pain I felt. I think you know, but you were the first boyfriend I ever broke up with. Clearly, I am not good at hurting people, and I do get attached to people, so usually they get rid of me first. I always wondered why you never got rid of me like everyone else, maybe that is another reason I stayed, even when we did argue or I over thought about something you never actually walked away from me, you may have said you would but you never did. I liked that. Even when things got hard or I got complicated you never actually left me, everyone else would have. I can not lie, I still think about you, I hear that one song, I drive by that one place, I have that one dream with you in it, sometimes you appear and I try to accept it. As I said, I do not regret us, I never will regret us, we will always be in my memory. And sometimes I wonder if you think about us too, I do not know how you could not think about us, 5 years is a dedication that we both somehow got through, together at such a young age. I hope you learned just as much as I did from the relationship we shared together. I know you enough to know that somewhere deep inside you are still hurting and thinking about what we were. Yes, I hope you miss me, I hope your family tells you that you should have tried harder because honestly you should have, I hope you see me in the future with someone that gives and shows me the love that you never could give or show me. And of course, I hope you find your happiness too. I do know that you are a good person, and there may have been things hurting you that maybe you just could not admit them, and that is okay, but I hope you are strong enough to tell someone one day. I hope you are strong enough to love someone the way I loved you, because I promise you it will bring you much happiness. Love is beautiful and I have always tried to help you realize that.
Thank you, for giving me 5 years of your life, and for allowing me to love you like I did.
About the Creator
Katlyn Oliver
Hello, I'm Katlyn!
You will find me here because I am super passionate about writing and I love to share my personal stories/experiences. I am currently in the process of earning my MSW at Pitt University, with hopes of being a counselor!
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To Cancer: You Are Scary. And Yet, You Have Some Importance. This Is For You Mom.
Dear Cancer, You are everywhere in today's society aren't you? People all over the world are affected by you every moment of every day. You are absolutely terrifying, but you also teach us the importance of life. You decided to impact me and my family in 2006. My mom was 32 years old, too young of an age to be fighting for her life, with two kids who needed her more than anything and a family who would have never healed if you had taken her away. What is even worse is that you affect children, even babies, who have not even begun to live their lives. Innocent, beautiful lives are hurt, destructed, and torn to pieces because of you. But, for my family and I, you only made us grateful for the life we are given. And for me, you opened my eyes that this life could end in the blink of an eye; at any moment. My mom's story is beautiful, special, and rare. She was 32 years old, as I stated, I was 8 years old and my brother was about 12-13 years old. In the beginning, she was sick, with flu-like symptoms, which is why we were not too concerned about taking her to the hospital. Also, this was in January so flu season was at its highest. Then as time progressed, she began to get sicker and sicker, day by day death grew closer. As a young girl, I was unsure of what was happening to my mother, yes I was afraid, concerned, confused, and nervous, but I did not know what could be wrong with her. I only knew that seeing her so ill was painful. She finally went to the doctor, where they found out she had Leukemia. For those of you who do not know, most people diagnosed with Leukemia do not survive. The chance of living is a very small percent. They told her that they needed to start treating her right away, because if she would wait any longer she would die. Actually, they were surprised she had not yet died. When I went to the hospital to find out what was wrong, I remember my father and her both sat me down on the hospital bed, and I, being young, asked if she was pregnant. I remember thinking to myself, vomiting is a sign of pregnancy, so it could be possible. And, God, did I hope that she was, I had hoped that this nightmare would go away as quickly as possible. However, I soon realized that the nightmare was only just beginning. They laughed, and said "no sweetie" or something like that. And proceeded to tell me that my mother had been diagnosed with cancer, specifically a very rare, and bad cancer. "Cancer", I knew was not a good word in itself. My mom looked at me, as tears filled my eyes, and told me that she was going to fight as hard as she could to beat this. Of course, I believed her, she was and is the strongest woman I have ever met. So, that is what she did every day, fought for her life, and most importantly fought so that she would be able to see her children grow. She went through chemotherapy, so she began to lose her hair, everywhere. Honestly, this was hard for me, because I had always known my mother to be beautiful, not that she was not beautiful anymore, but you know what I mean, the illness was taking over. Before she had such long, beautiful, soft hair, a "light up the room" kind of smile, her skin always glowing and tanned, her hands bare, and her eyes gleaming and wide. Now, with cancer, she had no hair, not even eyelashes, her smile, still staying strong, but fearful, her skin a yellow color and cold, her hands showed many greenish blue veins and on the one hand was an IV, and her eyes were dark and focused. I will never forget seeing her for the first time, I felt as if I did not even recognize my own mother. Also, I was not really allowed to be close to her because of my germs, so that made me feel distant, like I was going to make her illness worse. I did not want to be the cause of her death, by giving her my "little kid" germs, so I only hugged her or went near her when she or the doctors told me it was okay to do so. This also hurt my feelings because it was hard to know that her own daughter, me, was not able to comfort her. Like I was some kind of infection. Being older now, I realize it was only to protect her, but my 8 year old self felt left-out and disappointed. Anyway, watching my mother each day made me realize that life is precious. Yes, at 8 years old, I was thinking about how quickly my own life could disappear, and in that moment I felt so much. I told myself I needed to start telling people how much I care about them, and that saying "I love you" is something I needed to start saying more often. Basically, I felt that expressing my emotions and feelings to everyone was something I needed to do, each and every day. So, cancer, you have taught me that I could lose the ones I love without any warning, that I, myself could be gone at any moment. So, why not be who I want to be, say what I feel while I have the chance, tell people how much they mean to me, explore as much as possible, inspire others, make the most out of this life and just be happy. Happy for what I have and who I have in my life. Because life could always be worse, and most of the time someone else out there has it way worse, we just do not all realize that until something as tragic as you comes along. The bad news, at one point the doctors told us my mom only had about a 10-20 percent chance of surviving. The cancer caused other illnesses to come along, like pneumonia and her immune system was not strong enough to fight it. Thankfully she had amazing doctors, a loving family to support her, and God watching over her. We all knew He could either take her to his Kingdom with Him or allow her stay with her children and her family. And today, she is a living miracle, because the good news, my mother beat you, she won the battle. 11, almost 12 years in remission, away from the ugliness that you are. They say 15 years is when you can usually say you are "cured". But, to me, you will always still be there, you are there, hurting someone else and breaking their families. And, yes, I do still worry about my mom every day, and I pray that you do not return. And as always, I live my life to my best ability. Taking one day at a time, and leaving the rest up to God. I believe everything in this world happens for a reason, and I know for a fact that you happened for a reason, too. I have come to realize when we go through hard times, we can either come out to be stronger and better people or let it ruin us completely. Sometimes, I think we all go through tragedy to see how strong we are, and in the end we can either take the positives or negatives from them. I will always take the positives from each negative situation in my life, I promised my 8 year old self that. You helped me grow, learn, and the most significant, experience the worst of life; which honestly turned out to be good. You inspired my mom, helped her grow stronger, and made her more thankful for each day. And you brought my family closer together, which is something we needed at that time. I often wonder what life would have been like if I had lost her. I know I would still be the person I am because I would have trusted in whatever God decided to do. But, I know in my heart that my mom was meant to stay here with me, she was meant to watch me grow into a little miniature version of her. I aspire to be like my mom every day, and when she beat cancer it only made me see what kind of woman she truly is. So strong, so fearless, so inspirational, so powerful, so wise, and so beautiful. A woman that every one should look up to. So here is to you cancer, you took on one incredible woman. And, to you mom, some children are not as lucky as me, and some patients are not as lucky as you. So you and I both know, that there is so much to be thankful for every day.
By Katlyn Oliver3 years ago in Confessions
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If MC Escher created a parkrun, it might look a bit like Jubilee. Based in a compact – but surprisingly lovely – park in the small County Durham town of Spennymoor, it twists and turns its way up repeated hills. Although basic physics says it must come down again, somehow this route never feels like it gives runners a proper descent.
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