My Feelings On Dreams

*This piece could trigger some people* PTSD/Rape Flashbacks

How other people dream has always fascinated me. Ever since I had children, I found my dreams to be few and far in between. I remember most of them important to me. Even as a small child, my dreams used to mean something to me. I don't really have good dreams. I can't really begin to say that I have ever awakened from a dream, knowing that it was a good dream. I feel like that is a crazy thing, but most of my dreams are just utterly strange.

I used to have a phobia of velociraptors breaking into my house because of the movie Jurassic Park and my own nightmares. Also, when we moved out to the family farm, I had a recurring dream of cows breaking into my house. It was strange, but I guess I did not feel safe in the first home my family was residing in on the farm.

When I was expecting my first child, my dreams were real and vivid. Unlike anything, I had ever experienced before. I firmly believe that dreams carry messages. When I dream, it never ends well for me. I know that. I had a weird pregnancy dream about an Animal Crossing character, while I was pregnant with my firstborn. It was so vivid and familiar to me. I did not see the reality of the dreams until way later in life.

When I found out I was pregnant with my daughter, I had one of the first dreams that I had remembered in such a long time. I was living with my grandmother at the time, and my son was with me in the basement. I vaguelly remember a vivid dream that was very brief, but intense dream where I woke up to a mist in front of me. A brief moment after I noticed the mist, my son woke up. As soon as my eyes were more focused, nothing was there. It bothers me that I cannot remember the dream from that time. That is honestly how little I seem to dream after his own birth, it stood out, even if I didn't remember what it was.

While in a dark period, after trying a new medication, I had one of the worst nightmares of my life. I was raped in the dream. It was so real for me, I had caught myself whimpering out loud while I was struggling in the dream. It was so traumatic for me as it was a real experience I had went through prior to this, but it was starring a completely different person than I was trapped with previously. It made me completely disintegrate for a little while. When something traumatic hits you like that, and you feel disgusted yourself, that says something. I mean that. Dreams do not normally get to me like this, but this one stole my breath for a really long while. More than I am proud of. Especially because of where I was placed mentally back then. (That's why I included a trigger warning at the beginning of this.)

I remember a friend of mine speaking about a weird dream that they had experienced. It was a painfully still life dream where eventually someone shot themselves. Dreams like that. The ones that are painfully real. Those ones get to me on a deeper level.

Like the recurring wolf dream that I used to have as a child. There used to be this lone black wolf that was painfully too far away to reach. He was beside a large singular pine tree in the distance. It was a reoccurring dream that I used to have as a child. It used to frighten me, to say the least. I still do not fully know what the meaning behind that dream means to me. Whenever I reflect on dreams, that one tends to stick out in the back of my mind. I had that recurring dream for years without any explanation.

I do like to think dreams hold special meaning for most people. It is a way of your body processing things in a healthy manner, or at least that's what I like to believe in anyway. Some people get messages from dreams, others don't. I like to put myself in the latter of the category.

Chloe Rose Violet