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My Feelings On Dreams

by Chloe Rose Violet 3 days ago in Humanity

Journal reflection on dreaming from my experience

My Feelings On Dreams
Photo by Pawel Czerwinski on Unsplash

*This piece could trigger some people* PTSD/Rape Flashbacks

How other people dream has always fascinated me. Ever since I had children, I found my dreams to be few and far in between. I remember most of them important to me. Even as a small child, my dreams used to mean something to me. I don't really have good dreams. I can't really begin to say that I have ever awakened from a dream, knowing that it was a good dream. I feel like that is a crazy thing, but most of my dreams are just utterly strange.

I used to have a phobia of velociraptors breaking into my house because of the movie Jurassic Park and my own nightmares. Also, when we moved out to the family farm, I had a recurring dream of cows breaking into my house. It was strange, but I guess I did not feel safe in the first home my family was residing in on the farm.

When I was expecting my first child, my dreams were real and vivid. Unlike anything, I had ever experienced before. I firmly believe that dreams carry messages. When I dream, it never ends well for me. I know that. I had a weird pregnancy dream about an Animal Crossing character, while I was pregnant with my firstborn. It was so vivid and familiar to me. I did not see the reality of the dreams until way later in life.

When I found out I was pregnant with my daughter, I had one of the first dreams that I had remembered in such a long time. I was living with my grandmother at the time, and my son was with me in the basement. I vaguelly remember a vivid dream that was very brief, but intense dream where I woke up to a mist in front of me. A brief moment after I noticed the mist, my son woke up. As soon as my eyes were more focused, nothing was there. It bothers me that I cannot remember the dream from that time. That is honestly how little I seem to dream after his own birth, it stood out, even if I didn't remember what it was.

While in a dark period, after trying a new medication, I had one of the worst nightmares of my life. I was raped in the dream. It was so real for me, I had caught myself whimpering out loud while I was struggling in the dream. It was so traumatic for me as it was a real experience I had went through prior to this, but it was starring a completely different person than I was trapped with previously. It made me completely disintegrate for a little while. When something traumatic hits you like that, and you feel disgusted yourself, that says something. I mean that. Dreams do not normally get to me like this, but this one stole my breath for a really long while. More than I am proud of. Especially because of where I was placed mentally back then. (That's why I included a trigger warning at the beginning of this.)

I remember a friend of mine speaking about a weird dream that they had experienced. It was a painfully still life dream where eventually someone shot themselves. Dreams like that. The ones that are painfully real. Those ones get to me on a deeper level.

Like the recurring wolf dream that I used to have as a child. There used to be this lone black wolf that was painfully too far away to reach. He was beside a large singular pine tree in the distance. It was a reoccurring dream that I used to have as a child. It used to frighten me, to say the least. I still do not fully know what the meaning behind that dream means to me. Whenever I reflect on dreams, that one tends to stick out in the back of my mind. I had that recurring dream for years without any explanation.

I do like to think dreams hold special meaning for most people. It is a way of your body processing things in a healthy manner, or at least that's what I like to believe in anyway. Some people get messages from dreams, others don't. I like to put myself in the latter of the category.

Chloe Rose Violet

Humanity

Chloe Rose Violet

Play the hell out of the cards that you have been dealt.

Trying to write from my heart about love, my life, and everything else in between.

"the heart and the head"

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