My Dreams

"You'll never be content, he said. In my mind I thought he was telling me that I did not have the ability to improve my life, so I should just accept my life the way it was now. This is the United States I thought, as long as you can walk and think there are opportunities to improve one's life. I didn't know how to rebut, he was still talking, as usual, my opinion really didn't matter. If we were not in agreement it was always my fault. There was obviously something I did not understand. But what I understood was that this relationship would never go further than friendship. Finally. the rambling stopped, and we sat and listened to the band. I was so busy watching the time that I could barely listen. After an hour had passed I left. I was so eager to get out that I had to force myself not to run from the music hall.

He did not take my quick exit as anything other than me wanting to get to sleep early. After all, how could I not enjoy spending the evening having things I already understood explained to me? I am not saying I know everything but I do know some things. And yes I may be a little bit naive but at least I care for other people than myself. He wants me around to inflate his ego. My ego would have to lie in the ashes if I was to join with him.

Years ago we had been friends, but I had been in a period of recovery. I was just regaining my independence after moving to this state and living with my parents. I think I was just swept away by all the activity and all the people that were always around. We were participating in life instead of reading about it or watching it on tv. He used to make fun of people who did not have a life and only knew things from the local paper and news. Well that is now him, but that is not me. That is not the desired fate of my dreams. I do not want to do nothing all day.

I do not want to have coupons and government handouts pay my way. He used to always joke about one of his friends who never paid the full price for anything. But that is him now. Not content, he is right I would never be content with him, but how do I say that?

I was too happy to be out of there, to worry about the fact that I had not been honest. Plus I had tried to argue the principl of paying your own way on a previous occasion. To enter an idea into his brain is impossible. If I disagree with him, I just don't understand what he is saying, Bull Shit. I used to argue with him. To much bull shit. The sad thing is he is the only man interested.

Melissa says I have to put myself out there if I want to meet somebody. I can't just work on my writing, hang out with my current friends, and do my drawings. I need to bring people not currently in my zone in. I just don't know. They usually only want sex, or don't even bother to clean themselves up before the date. I remembered back to being driven around some medical school and being given a tour of the buildings. He wanted a kiss goodnight. I thought he must have been delusional. I said no. Then when he did not know how to row a rowboat, on a future date, I decided I had had enough. Though I have to admit that I was having such a hard time being polite, that I was relieved that I got to row the boat. I tried not to row too quickly so he couldn't see how disgusted I was. I couldn't wait to get out of there.

And the guy who took me sailing at the yacht club. I tried. I took him to the baseball game. He didn't clean up for the date. Who cares about a yacht club. I had had enough. When I think back, I do not want to put myself out there.

There was one story that was funny. I didn't want to tell my date my address. He was one of my customers at the bank and I didn't know him very well. I decided to meet him at my mothers. Thank god my mother was home. My mother said I was dressed all wrong, She went and got me her pearls and some earrings. He usually came into the bank dressed nicely. But that was for work not for at home. She was having so much fun, how could I tell her that I thought she was wrong? It turned out that it didn't matter what I was wearing all he wanted to do was park and talk a bit. He was more focused on kissing me. That date was just a one -time date. I never told my mother how wrong she was. It was one of the few times we had had fun, and why reck her illusions of my date.

I am not saying that I have never met a man who I would consent to have sex with. I am also not saying that I had perfect judgment. In fact some of the cases my judgment was too bad for me to discuss. I want a man who makes me feel as excited as my first sex partner did. We would carry our guitars around the city. I remember one night going to a Reggie bar. I would sing on the street corners, we would pass my guitar around in the Cambridge commons. All the leftover hippies, it seemed knew how to play the guitar. The city changed out of the hippy realm and it turned bad. I felt so free, while it lasted. I know you can't go back, and I no longer play the guitar, but I would love a guy who embraces that freedom. A man who makes me feel alive. I want a man who kisses me although his life depended on it. I do not want a tour through Mit or sitting and discussing our illnesses and the paper. I've dated exbody builders, and yes I loved his body and his desire to try new things, but he did not make me feel spiritly free. He was unreliable, but somewhat on the same page as me. I am no longer 18 and embracing my independence. I no longer have the confidence, and feel that I can tackle any challenge;

I still believe in the American dream, but now realize that sometimes we are not as in control of our destinies as I had originally thought. That person who is sitting on the side of the street, is fighting against the notion that this is her role in life, Giving to her experiences that show her that there is more to life, might help her fight for a more traditional life. A day at the hairdressers, then a dinner in a restaurant .and a late movie might be more helpful than a trip to a psych hospital, and then if god was really in control a night in a hotel. She would probably have a sense of freedom she does not have on the streets. She might then see that she can do all these things on a regular basis if she fights to get a residence of her own and to get the demons out of her mind.

I may never feel that sense of freedom again, and yet I know I was lucky. Some people might never feel it at all. Some people feel chained to their partner, or job, or had their future laid out for them by their family.

My family gave me the freedom, to turn down the yacht club and the Mitt chains. There were many lapses in my judgement but these were not two of them. As a youngster, I was sure that I could forge my own way. I did not need to trade my freedom for a man, or a MIT lifestyle. That freedom that had once come so easily as a teenager has become a battle to maintain, but is a continued goal.