Dear Momma,
Today is the day I thought I’d tell ya’ All past screwups Thank God I’m still alive! I want to say I thank God you’re in my life before I drop the beans and spill the FULL teacup! All those displays of help and affection straight care you presented me with, have you know taught me truly taught me something a lot of things! Although we’re at this point, I want to confess to you about something I never shared!!!!! A lot of those confessions really??? So here goes…
The confessions are life trying and I’m not sure you’ll believe me if I’m even telling the truth? So with enough courage I hope the best by the end of this! As an end result I don’t want to break the family up at all. As you know life growing up for me was tough. Ever since back in 2000/1999 when Dr. Peterson diagnosed me with schizophrenia my life has never been the same. Growing up I always loved how you cared for me, loved me, being there at every single doctors appointment. I remember when I was struggling in school like I always was and you did the best you could for me to get it! Im wanting you to know that I’m still your girl I’m still trying!! I finished my first real book that was roughly 405 pages. I read that book from beginning to end. That book was Travis Barker!!! It was the best book that I have to confess staying up from 8pm at night to 6am in the morning was top notch I still feel very tired,but you know what it causes me to do??? To read more and try out to become a teacher one day! Mom I litter lay was proud of myself. Seriously mom I wanted to stomp in 9 th grade and surprise my English composition teacher so precise but elegantly..& have a neat presentation going on. I feel proud like I want to read it again it never gets old. Ever after that though, I’m wanting to tell you I’m thankful your in my life and to have enough conviction and righteousness to keep me knowing right from wrong. My confessions I would like to share with you, are more than just one like one here goes. Mother ( Momma Epi), having lived here in the State of Washington this long. Our whole lives! I really miss shopping with you. I pray and hope GOD will heal me off the medication I’m on. So I won’t have to feel so explicitly mental anymore. Some other confessions to clear up any wandering thoughts not tooken care of. Other confessions include the night of our church anniversary I ran away to stay at “my boyfriend” Jordan’s house . Mama I didn’t know where I was? It’s amazing what goes on in this state. I know I was doing things sneaky that night I ended up at a party and people were different. Although I wanted to dive in I came straight home. Without telling you where I was. I m sorry mom I really have a thing for men and I’m glad that they feel that way about me. For one thing I’m Getting only older and making it by myself just isn’t easy. Honestly mom after all the run always that I did, I still love you and Oh yeah The second night I went to sleep with a man I didn’t know. Basically he was a complete stranger but my first long real kiss. Mom the night at the movies, was really most romantic. Mom I pray to GOD that I learned something out of all of this and that you find respect and forgiveness for all the wrong doings I try to be with a man vrs him wanting to get to know me. I love you mom an sorry I had to confess these to you! But again Glad I did!! Happy Mother’s Day always and forever I vow to do better…
Sincerely,
❤️Rachael
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The Outside
I will never forget the one summer with myself, I flew to Georgia. At first, I felt like I didn’t fit in because, after always being used to fitting in a certain way…. and always feeling accepted in… the was a new awakening!!!!! Having always been, “heavily supported,” I was thinking the day I arrived I’d be well taken care of! Not! It was a HUGE warning regarding my race, was my first impression?! At first I thought I was up against my own worst, “ enemy”!!! It was my cousins new fiancé Joey. The year was 2001. So I was visiting Georgia. Georgia is my home state supposively. I was born there. This was all a wrap when I went there one summer!!!!! I was eager and more than excited at first to see my cousins!! Plus my aunt and uncle. Everybody was one happy family again. The only Problem was the credentials and entitlement the fiancé was getting?! Fighting had occurred frequently between me and him. We hated one another’s company by a long shot. It was too way different backgrounds trying to settle in the middle, at the same time! What bothered me was left unsaid. Basically I was repping a city like lifestyle with a ton of “ghettoness,”and tainted expression smothering me which at the time led to The Country Lifestyle! I wasn’t excited about it one bit. We hated each other’s guts. I didn’t fit in because I was black, by now I could tell, it was because he was white, and in the South, and they I’ve learned don’t play that mess. I would get hung he’d always say. It would bother me…and toil inside of me a lot. Enraged in anger. As I hold on growing up in Spanaway Washington, which is country to me…I start to grow a tougher skin, but I realize by now he Joey was from a wholeness of avenue, which since then I come to terms with! It’s hard to do, but I put myself through understanding to get to that point. This being a time, I didn’t fit in!!!! It helped mme to see myself in a different light.Back then,…. I had young ghetto mentality I want to say… and a terrible poverty mindset. Not to justify how I fitted in,which still needs work, until this day,..I would change where I have lost views, a load of friends, but it was all for the better! Anyways back to not fitting in. I felt bad! Here it is this (newby) was getting attention that I was not getting????? I felt the pressure each time I encountered him. We hated each other’s guts and for the first time I felt out of place. I know now, but ( Joey) would say things to piss me off or make foolery out of me! Some of the summer…and my cousins redemptions were in return treating me I’ll,I felt change had occur, to look at things for the better! My cousin Nikki was awesome, and what started out being the worst summer and me having the bad feelings of not fitting in took its FULL toll on me! So, I ended up enjoying it, maybe even crushing on (Joey), it was the best summer ever, ever spent! What had went from wrestling matches between us two turnover for the better! The things that I’d never encountered like…. 4 wheelin, dancing with him, & taking memorable photos, grew our relationship to taps! We’re cool now, but before then we just wasn’t. Since then…I’ve had my full rounds about the South. It’s harder living down there , then up here in Washington State. Every state has an exciting thing about it. My cousin Nikki and Joey, now have kids and I believe he is to this day, trying to become a better man. For me I am working on retiring, but leaving that door open for better new and improved beginnings.
By Rachael Frazier3 years ago in Confessions
The Headache'
As I lay in bed, I couldn't shake off the feeling of impending doom. It started with a dull ache in my head, a nagging sensation that refused to subside. At first, I thought it was just a typical headache, one that would fade away with some rest and painkillers. But as the days went by, the pain only intensified, spreading like a dark cloud across my mind.
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My To Be Read List
I have been taking some time away from writing. I haven't forgotten about Vocal, the truth is I just have been too busy pursuing other things to write online and honestly, my little family and I just had a really hard month between the flu and a weird eye infection/cold circulating our house. I'm currently sipping some warm peppermint tea because my throat is sore.
By Chloe Rose Violet 🌹6 days ago in BookClub
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