Music saved my Emo life

Going through all these songs for this challenge was tough. Some were hard to listen to, but also comforting.

If you want an immersive experience, and to feel sad and maybe nostalgic (if you know any of these), you can find the playlist here:

Growing up as a middle child was rough. I was the oldest girl, second oldest sibling out of 6. We all know about the middle child and our misfortunes. I had a rough start to life and it never really improved, I am still working to get to a good place (emotionally) at 29 years old. At a young age I found music to be my only outlet. I don’t remember much from my childhood, but I always remember the memories involving meaningful music. It turned out to save my life and I don’t know where I would be without it.

These are the top 7 most listened to most angsty songs throughout my childhood and even to this day I go back to these to ugly-cry in my car. I have no shame!

1. I’m just a kid - Simple Plan: My parents absolutely hated when I would play this song. I LOVED Simple Plan.

The band is gorgeous and that had a major part, but also the lyrics of this song applied to my feeling of being a lonely kid with no one to care. I was going through abusive situations during this period of my life and I needed these lyrics. I needed to feel like someone was there, feeling what I was feeling. Seeing them strive and articulate these feelings so well made me feel welcome and not alone. I felt like I could be alive and feel good feelings too. I was around 8, this is when my life was shattered. I was enduring abuse and I started having horrific nightmares. I felt like I had no one to lean on. Being a kid this was the first song that I can remember that I really related to. I know it’s a silly song now that I listen to it, but at the time, it opened the door to using music to cope with what was going on in my life.

Most Impactful lyrics:

"I'm just a kid

And life is a nightmare

I'm just a kid

I know that it's not fair

Nobody cares

'Cause I'm alone and the world is having more fun than me tonight"

2. I’m With you - Avril Lavigne: I wanted to be Avril growing up. She was so angsty, had a rebellious style and the lyrics never disappointed. I had a walkman with the cassette that I had recorded the song from the radio. I wasn’t allowed to listen to it because it had a curse word in it, so it was my little secret. It’s a song about her waiting for someone that can take her to a better place and she wouldn’t be alone. This again was relatable to me, wanting to be somewhere else, with new people, living life and feeling happy. I would curl up with my secret walkman and ugly-cry to this song on repeat until I felt a sense of peace. I considered Avril a friend (In that obsessive teenage way) and after a few good repeats of this song, I was feeling good.

Most Impactful lyrics:

"I don’t know who you are,

But I’m with you"

3. Stranger - Secondhand serenade: Now we’re around the Jr. High/High school era. I know this is going to sound like I’m a crazy person. I would blast this song on repeat while looking into my own eyes in the mirror. I wanted to see if I could see the pain in my eyes and if I did, I would reassure myself with these words out loud, doing this until I taught myself to not have “sad eyes”. I was in a really dark place and often had suicidal thoughts, I couldn’t handle my emotions, and had no one to talk to. I really did feel like a stranger in my own body. So if you can picture, a teenager, staring into their own heartbroken eyes and trying to make myself feel better, that’s what this song was to me. In a way, I was teaching myself to be a stranger to myself so everyone thought I was ok.

Lyrics I would sing out loud to myself:

"I know that I can't make you stay

But I would give my final breath

To make you understand how beautiful you are

Understand how beautiful you are"

4. Three Cheers for Five Years - Mayday Parade: What I take a way from this song is heartbreak and being abandoned by a boy. I listened to this song on repeat when I got left for another girl in high school. At that age I felt like every boy I lost was earth shattering. I was always wrecked when this would happen to me. These lyrics have the feeling of being shattered and know that you won’t forget them. Thinking I would be mourning over some 2-week relationship with someone I can’t stand now, makes me laugh at how silly being a teenager is.

Lyrics that made my heart wrench:

"I thought I could live in your arms

And spend every moment I had with you

Stay up all night with the stars

Confess all the faith that I had in you (I had in you)"

5. Your Guardian Angel - The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus: This was the year I was sneaking onto the computer and talking to random boys on Myspace. I got attached to this gorgeous emo boy, Matt. We talked non stop whenever we could, online and on the phone. He lived in another state so I never got to meet him. About 6 months after we were talking and became really close, he died in a dirt bike accident, and it honestly destroyed me. He used to play this song and sing along to it for me on the phone. It took a new meaning once he was gone, he was my guardian angel in a sense.

Later in life, this song was well known at one of my high schools. Every emo kid at my school performed this song at the talent show one year. So it was just an hour of this song being butchered by beginner musicians and singers. I wouldn’t have had it any other way.

Favorite lyric:

"I will never let you fall

I'll stand up with you forever

I'll be there for you through it all

Even if saving you sends me to heaven"

6. Porcelain Heart - BarlowGirl: Growing up in a mormon household meant music was monitored and usually taken away if it wasn’t “normal” or “christian”. It was rare that I found songs that I related to, when I found this song it was stuck on repeat and I learned to play it on the piano. I was going through another very hard part of my life. I was a senior in high school and life had thrown everything it could at me. I was dealing with childhood trauma resurfacing and repressed memories. I felt broken, crazy, and suicidal again. This song let me express my broken heart with music, and have that hope that things would get better.

Favorite Lyric:

"Broken heart one more time

Pick yourself up, why even cry

Broken pieces in your hands

Wonder how you'll make it whole"

7. When We Die - Bowling for Soup: As I learned how to push down my feelings, this song really spoke to me. I felt like I could start to work on my life and that things can be fixed and made right. Or at least I needed to “get over” my feelings and live life and not dwell, because you can’t get back the time once you die. Which I guess is kind of the “Yolo” mentality. That you only get one life and you should live it how you want and not dwell. Time is precious and these lyrics taught me that.

Favorite Lyric:

"And I know that we're gonna be fine

And the tattooed mistakes

Are gonna fade over time

As long as we live, time passes by

And we won't get it back when we die"

These songs really spoke out to me and they still do. I rely on music so much for every emotion now. While it might not be the healthiest way of coping, there are much worse. Some days are still rough, but I am continuously learning to love what life has to offer. Music has always been there for me when nobody else was.