Confessions logo

Mother’s Day Confessions

I Have Something to Tell You, Mom.

By Jacqueline NamPublished 2 years ago 4 min read
Like
Mom and me

Hey Mom,

As your author-to-be daughter, I needed some merit in my writing career, and Vocal just happened to be doing this event. Not sure if I’m allowed to break the fourth wall like that but we’ll give it a try.

This event just seemed like an opportunity to earn a scholarship AND tell you my deepest darkest secret. Not sure if that’s SUPPOSED to be two birds with one stone, but that really depends on what you think.

I’ve thought long and hard about this before making the realization. I went through fear, pain, and lots of sad feelings(now that I’m looking back, I think I was being a TAD bit like a drama queen) to realize what I am.

Mom, I don’t know if you’ll still love me once you find out. I don’t know if I’ll be your good, well-behaved daughter. Will you still let me hug you? Will you still comfort me and help me and punish me whe ever I do something bad?

Will you still love me, is what I’m asking.

I’m sure you’ll love me. I know you’re kind, even when you act all cold and stuff. I know you’re warmer than anyone else, and kinder. I know you’ll love me unconditionally.

But there’s a chance. And I’m not sure if I’m willing to take it.

You know what, I’ll just say it. I’ll never get to the point if I keep beating around the bush.

Mom, I’m gay.

No, not lesbian. I’m bisexual. That means I’m sexually attracted to both genders: men AND women.

Whew! That definitely did NOT lift a weight off my chest.

To be honest, I’m not sure how I’m going to get this information across. It’s going to be so, so, so, so, difficult.

I’ve asked you one time what you think about the LGBTQ+ community, and your reply kind of…shattered me.

“God made men and women to be together. High schoolers are too young to know who they like and who they want to have sex with.”

Mom…we’ve talked a lot about the community. Several times. Ok, many, many times.

And each time, you’ve shown your obvious disapproval for the community. For US.

Remember when I cut off my friend from middle school during the pandemic? Remember when I told you it was because she made me mad?

I don’t cut off friends just because they made me mad, Mom.

I liked her. I really, really liked her. She was kind, innocent, smart, talented, and pretty. She was cute.

But I didn’t even know. I couldn’t possibly believe I liked a GIRL.

Maybe it was self-doubt that stopped me. Maybe it was my insecurities. Maybe it was the way I was raised.

I don’t know. The point is, I refused to believe that my sexual attractions contradicted how I was taught, raised, and believed.

But…I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t help but look at her school profile picture. Couldn’t help but stare at her name.

Couldn’t help but…think about her.

It hurt. A lot. I knew she was straight, she’d said so multiple times. I knew she liked a boy at the time, and I knew she would never like me back.

I cried because of her, hurt because of her, wanted to hurt myself because of her. It was tough, to say the least.

But I got over her. I told her about my feelings and why I suddenly decided to hypothetically “dump” her through a dumb G-mail(If only autocorrect did its job for once and autocorrected her name to ‘brownies’ or something. Then she’d think I was joking when I tell her “I don’t think I‘m in the right mind to think about you, brownies. Let’s stop being friends.”).

She understood, and agreed to give me some space. We say hi to each other in the halls(She goes to our school). But other than that, I steer clear.

To be honest, when I first realized my preferences, I thought love would feel completely different. Liking a girl would be much more different than liking a boy.

But no, I was wrong. It’s pretty much the same thing; trying to get their attention, being awkward around them, and wanting to stare at them.

Oh, and the “I-want-to-lock-you-up-in-my-house” stage. Or maybe that’s just me...

It’s pretty much the same thing. It’s just, there’s more fish in the sea.

I’m not all that different after my realization, either. I think I had already realized when I was young that I was a bit different, it’s just everyone with tact knew except me, and I just decided that it’s WRONG.

Speaking of which, I came out to my older sister. She was freaking out because her younger sister(who’s always had those gay vibes) finally came out to her. She accepted me immediately and asked me tons of questions. She did say that I had always had that vibe because I was always awkward around boys. Maybe it’s destiny, fate. Or maybe it’s God himself.

Mom, I know I’m not perfect. I know I make mistakes. I know there are times when you just want to punch me in the face and give me kisses at the same time.

I just wish that doesn’t change when I trust in your love enough for me to open the door to a new side of me.

Coming out may not be a big thing for other people(mostly heterosexual people but come on, they‘re straight. They understand NOTHING) but it’s huge for me. Especially when I’m in a korean family with strict rules and homophonic parents.

But who knows, maybe there’ll be a side of you that I’ll get to open a door to YOUR new side in exchange for mine.

I love you, Mom. Always did, always is, always will.

사랑해, 엄마. 많이, 많이.

-Your gay, lovely, and loving daughter, who’s forever grateful for what you do. ❤️

Family
Like

About the Creator

Reader insights

Be the first to share your insights about this piece.

How does it work?

Add your insights

Comments

There are no comments for this story

Be the first to respond and start the conversation.

Sign in to comment

    Find us on social media

    Miscellaneous links

    • Explore
    • Contact
    • Privacy Policy
    • Terms of Use
    • Support

    © 2024 Creatd, Inc. All Rights Reserved.