Morning Thoughts From Mama Bear's Back Patio #2

July 12, 2021

I’m not motivated to do much today.

I’ve been getting up at 6 am for the past couple of weeks to add some structure to my days.

I don’t see myself working for someone else anymore so I’ve been really focused on trying to find ways that generate income that speak to my passions and skill sets. However, the business world, at least how it is traditionally navigated, is not really setup for neurodivergent introverts with high-functioning depression and anxiety.

Full of ideas.

Curious about the outcomes.

Lacking in intestinal fortitude and executive functioning.

I am grateful that I even have this time to figure things out, but the fact is I feel so lost at times. And today seems to be the day that brain wants to process it.

So, no, I am not motivated to do much today. I am going to give myself the space to feel my feels and try again tomorrow.

July 13, 2021

TikTok University lays some more knowledge on my brain.

I learned a new term yesterday and I want to share it with you because it is something I’ve done almost my entire life and I didn’t know there was a name for it.

I still do it to this day.

Rhythmic Entrainment

It that thing where you find a safe space and play music (or in my case entire playlists) that express the emotion that you are avoiding or cannot express.

Does anyone else do this?

July 16, 2021

An article from Elephant Journal came up as Facebook memory - "Maybe I'm Just Not Meant To Be Loved." I think you can still find it there.

I still wonder this sometimes. But I think I’m more okay with it now.

Love is a verb.

It takes intention.

Mindfulness.

Purpose.

I can’t make anyone else do that besides me. The best I can do is model behavior

July 17, 2021

I’m convinced I was always neurodivergent, but it was always feeling like I did not feel at home in this world.

Does that make sense?

Like, I could put myself in other people’s shoes, I could feel their feelings, I could even follow their train of logic.

BUT

I couldn’t do what they did

I couldn’t human like they human

I understand people but I don’t understand people

July 19, 2021

I had a dream last night. Well, I'm not sure if it was a whole dream, but i remember having a conversation.

In this conversation, I asked, "Why?"

And whoever I was talking to said, "You should have a died a hundred times, yet here you are."

Next thing I register is my alarm going off at 6am. As I lay in bed willing myself to open my eyes, this conversation replays in my head.

You should have died hundred times, yet here you are.

I think to myself maybe that's enough

July 21, 2021

Let's get metta.

I posted a new essay today. Trigger warnings all over it.

I sat on this one for awhile and I think only two people have read the bone of it.

It was hard to write and scary (very scary) to share, but like the decision to walk away from vet med, once I clicked on ‘submit for review’ it felt like I was doing the right thing. I was being true to myself. My hope is that it helps others feel the same.

July 24, 2021

I had a thought…

My love language is words of affirmation

HOWEVER

The heady combination of neurodivegency and hypervigiliance and empathy = claircognizance tho

This is why we can’t have nice things, Kevin*

*my trauma is dude named Kevin. it helps