Mom I'm sorry

Dear Mom,

I want to start this off by thanking you for everything growing. Things weren't always easy and me and dad didn't have a great relationship. With the constant fighting and the multiple occasions of being told I could no longer live there when I was 16 and 17. You would always take my side in these fights and would fight for me. Without you there I would have been kicked out at 16 with no home or anything to go to so for all that I thank you for all of those instances cause at the time I was scared and confused. The only thing on my mind during those times was how am I going to survive with no shelter, no money, no car, no phone, and no food. Luckily I had you and I was able to continue living in our house but everyday felt like walking on eggshells in that house. I could never accept the advice you gave me.

"There's no point in arguing with him, just sit quietly and let him yell. Let him do as he pleases because there is no point to reasoning, no point in saying anything as he will always be like this."

After all that though I feel I didn't deserve any of that kindness from you. There were things I did when I was kid that were wrong and I feel what I did outweighs the kindness you gave me. I never understood how you never caught me in the act with your eyes glued to your bank account at work. But I used to steal money from you a lot when I was a kid, nothing big but like $10 here and there. I mention your bank account because all the times you asked me to go to the bank for you cause you wanted me to pull out money for you. You were tired from work and had forgotten to stop. I would pull out more than asked and keep the extra or I would take cash from your purse.

Years later after graduating high school I would grow out of this and stop stealing money from you. But instead I would turn to smoking pot and drinking with my friends. Lookin back I don't understand how you never noticed or said anything. Me and my friends would be cashed out in the living room reeking of weed. Many times of food being made but we wouldn't touch it as we had passed out before we even got to eat it. I hate these portions of my life a lot and I wish I could take it all back. This is a part of why I feel like I don't deserve your kindness. The other is about your mom, my grandmother.

I was sad when grandma passed. I was even more upset when my sister said I didn't care because I didn't come to see grandma before she passed and on the day when she passed. Something none of you knew was I had voiced this to my boss and was told I had to continue working my shift and so I sat in a dish pit inside a restaurant crying while I worked cause I wasn't able to say goodbye when she passed. There are days where I want to talk to her but I can't.

My secret about grandma was I felt like it was my fault for her passing. In the sense of the butterfly effect. Before all the doctors appointments and rehabilitation centers I was asked to clean her house for her and I would get paid for my time. So for a week after school I would walk 2 miles to her house and assist in cleaning because she was bound to her chair as she was overweight and couldn't stand for long periods. On the final day I had swept and mopped the floors of her house. After I finished mopping I went to dry the floors to ensure she wouldn't slip as she had gotten up to use the restroom. But I had missed a spot and she ended up on the floor and due to her being overweight she couldn't breath. My uncle and I called 911 and we tried to pick her up from the floor but we were unable to as we weren't strong enough soon after paramedics arrived and they helped us and took her to the hospital.

Soon after she was admitted to a rehabilitation center and then started going in and out of hospitals being moved around rehab centers for physical rehabilitation and then ultimately when she finally passed. I know I couldn't have caused all the other things but I do believe that that fall she had is what kickstarted something and it has been eating me alive for years since it happened. I miss grandma so much. This hurts so much that every time I think of her I cry. I'm crying now as I write this. I wish I had declined to clean her house and that someone else would have done it, someone who wouldn't have messed up like I did. I never voice this because I remember the day you came in and told me she isn't talking and has been refusing to eat and that she most likely would pass within that day or the next. I didn't want to add onto that cause I know how upset you were with everything going on.

These are my secrets mom and this is why I feel I never deserved the kindness you offered me cause while I may be the only of your children that turned out okay with a decent job and about to be married with a place of my own I feel I have also been a terrible son to you and that is something I will most likely never get over because of how kind you have been to me with all the mess ups I feel at this point there's nothing I could do to ever make up for it all.

Sincerely, your son.