MiMi Meets A Bear…

Hey hey 👋 what up,what it do? This blog comes to you with coffee ☕️ but no cannabis 🌱 and that was not by choice. It’s a major inconvenience for me, but hopefully the Maryland Cannabis Commission will get their act together. However I firmly believe that the lack of being medicated contributed to me almost being mauled by a bear in the backyard.

I’m dead serious 😐. Stop laughing. And I’m about to explain why.

For whatever reason, wildlife has always been oddly attracted to me. I don’t know if it’s because of my small stature (I’m only four foot eleven) and they mistake me for a food source or what. 🤷🏻‍♀️

SHUT UP!!!

🤣🤣🤣

When I was a child, I was attacked by a rogue gangsta pigeon that stole my box of Cracker Jacks.

Stop looking at the blog like that; it happened, and I have the scar to prove it. To this day, I am petrified of pigeons.

Well any bird , actually 🤣.

As an adult, I lived in an apartment complex that had a man-made lake. With this body of water, came ducks and effin geese.

The reason I say effin geese is because if y’all thought the Cracker Jack stealing pigeon was gangsta… the geese in my complex would post up in certain parts and chase me and my then dog Bailey all the way home.

Assholes 🤣.

Eff them geese. 🤣

Eff birds period.

Later on I’m walking my present dog, Cheech in a different apartment complex, and I still don’t know why my doggie didn’t alert me or show any signs of angst, but I rounded the corner of an apartment building to come face to face with a Wild Turkey 🦃

Not the whiskey 🥃, an actual effin turkey 🦃.

I would’ve tried the whiskey, but I’m not fighting a bird that’s MY HEIGHT!!! 😐

Eff all the birds all over the world.

#ISWISAIIWII 🤷🏻‍♀️

And all this happened in the rolling suburbs of Southern New Jersey.

South Jersey, where squirrels 🐿 try to rip open your window screens to get to your sunflower seeds,and if they don’t get any seeds, they will angrily and with intent hurl acorns at your head when you step outside.

Look 😐it’s the truth.

#ISWISAIIWII 🤷🏻‍♀️

Recently, I relocated south. But not SOUTH, South, which is part of my angst I’m actually in Maryland, but I’m not in the woods. As a matter of fact I’m actually closer to a highway. So on a rather blustery and windy February morning when a cover to someone’s grill began flapping in the wind just outside of my absent peripheral vision…

…I, for whatever reason, thought it was a bear 🐻.

Yes, a bear 🐻.

So I screamed 😱

But it wasn’t a real scream.

It was like God didn’t want me to make a complete ass of myself and startle the neighbors. So the noise that emanated from me was more of a zombie 🧟 like hiss, and I shit you not people…I heard a hawk screech?

Is that what hawks do, screech? I dunno 🤷🏻‍♀️ and at this point I don’t particularly care.

Eff them birds .

Eff the nonexistent bear.

Eff my slippers that leave teacks in the backyard that look like deer 🦌 hooves….

…If the deer only had one effin leg and hopped all over the backyard just to be ornery and scare the bejezus outta me. 🙄

😐 Because I lie to you not, if there was in fact a one-legged deer 🦌, it would be named Ilean and it probably hopped all the way from the bowels of South Jersey to torment me.

(All bad puns are intentional)

🤣

#ISWISAIIWII 🤷🏻‍♀️

But if I just had my 🌱 , none of this would be an issue, so come on MCC, let’s get y’all act together.

Until then,

✌🏼💜💨

Peace, Love, Exhale.