Memoirs of a Jezebel

It was 2018 and I was in a long distance relationship with my partner, Gus who lived in the Dallas, Texas. I was living in Queensland, Australia. I had met Gus when I was visiting a friend in Dallas and fell in love almost at first sight, when it was time for me to go home we could not bear to say our last goodbyes. So we didn't.

Long distance relationships aren't as easy as you would think, almost a year later there was a moment that made me question his loyalty. He had been rude to me after drinking with one of the girls he worked at his restaurant with, Carrie, he had also claimed on many occasions that he did not like her. The whole situation felt wrong to me, so the only solution was to pay him a surprise visit!

I don't even know how I pulled it off, but four days later I was on a plane to Texas, excited to surprise him by sitting in his section with his family and casually ordering a Martini. It went well of course, I was just being paranoid and we reunited like the star crossed lovers we were and his parents were very welcoming of me staying with them.

That weekend his team were going to their local bar, the Drunken Donkey, and Gus was excited to show me off. Carrie noticeably didn't come, but I never needed to worry about her.

One of Gus' favourite things to brag about on my behalf was my nationality, I noticed many Americans were very curious about my culture and the dangerous animals they thought we kept as pets. The focus of that night, however, was of our drinking culture.

"She could drink you under the table, Easy" Gus jeered to his bar manager, Jace.

"All right Miss Australia, you're on!" Responded Jace as he ordered two Bourbon's with Coke.

It wasn't a lack of enthusiasm that was my problem, I loved drinking and I genuinely thought I stood a chance. I held my ground for the majority of the night, or so I thought I did. I did noticed Jace had stopped ordering himself drinks, I thought it may have been because I had started dancing on a seat bench and professing my best friendship to another drunk patron of the Drunken Donkey. I still called it a win.

"Alright Jezz, let's get you home" Gus tabbed out and steered me towards his car.

One thing I might mention before this story continues, is that the standard drink in the US is slightly larger than an Australian drink, and bartenders are more likely to free-pour, whereas at home each drink had to be measured perfectly. I was much more intoxicated than I thought I was. We went home to bed and slept peacefully through the night, or so I had thought.

The next morning Gus and I got up to make breakfast and I went to say hello to his mother. The look she gave me was a little strange and she seemed a quite standoffish, I did not think much of it and enjoyed cooking with Gus.

Later Gus went to work and I was to stay behind with his parents, which was fine, I enjoyed chatting with his family.

"Jezz?" His mother approached me once she saw Gus has left, "Do you know that you sleep walk?"

My stomach dropped, I do not sleep walk, you could not imagine my horror as I realized the only thing she could have been talking about was second wind, my ability to continue partying after a light nap.

I tried to keep a straight face "No? Why is that?" I asked.

"Well, last night Bill and I were sleeping and you came bursting into our room!"

My heart shrunk, but it did not stop there.

"I could have sworn you were lucid, you kept amazing balance for how fast you were running"

"Running?" I asked "Where did I run?"

"Straight through our bedroom door and into our bathroom, I followed you in there and you had closed yourself into my wardrobe."

It had all started coming back to me, I could vaguely remember rapidly jingling a wall of pretty necklaces and her asking me through the door "Jezz...? Is Gus home?"

"Uh Huh" I had squeaked back at her as if the situation were perfectly normal.

His Mother continued "Yes, you then burst out of the closet and I had to make myself scarce as you umm, used our toilet?"

That was almost too much for me. Mortified, I seriously considered pretending that I was a sleep walker after all. Anything to escape the embarrassment of leaving such an impression on this family, who barely knew me very well at the time.

"And then you sprinted back out of our room! I found you had crawled back in with Gus and appeared to fall right back asleep"

I was very lucky his family had thought it was funny, I was also very lucky his father didn't shoot me, I was in Texas after all. We ended up laughing about it together and sharing the story with Gus' sister and grandmother.

We gathered when it was about time for Gus to return from the restaurant so we could share the story with him. When we heard him open the door, his mother asked me again "Jezz...? Is Gus home?"