Maybe it was really never meant to be or it wasn't for me

“Life has ways of surprising us”, that’s what I always say to myself whenever I see a happy couple walking with their children across the street. I say that not because am jealous of them or anything, it’s just a way of reminding myself of the life I had dreamed of since I was a little girl in kindergarten but did not get.
You see I was born in a very big traditional extended family and by default I knew that one day when I grow up, I would want a family though it didn’t have to be big and extended considering the times we’re living in.
With that in mind, I always prayed to every night before sleeping that I would find a man who would sweep me off my feet. Mark you, I was still young by the time I started this practise of praying to after all, that’s how most children are brought up.
Luckily for me, I was a bright kid from the word go so my early school years kind of passed away so fast without me even noticing.
My troubles and worries would later start in high school. I was still the same blonde girl with glasses who scored straight A's in every subject except that I hadn’t found a boyfriend or to be frank, no boy had showed any interest in me.
That really worried me every now and I started feeling like I was not enough infront of my friends, who for your own information were all coupled. Every summer holiday,the only time I saw my parents, I would complain to them on how the boys hadn’t approached me and their reply was always, “the right one for you is on the way”.
This made me sort of doubt the prayer I had always recited since I was young. “Am I praying the wrong way?”, I asked myself this question on many occasions.
Most of my friends had it all,the boyfriend stuff and this made me wonder what they ate that I was not eating.
Despite my anger at God, I did not get a boyfriend any sooner and that’s how I graduated high school still single. Okay, that felt like a slap in the face for sometime but realizing that I still had college and a whole life ahead of me kind of eased the pain.
But a few weeks to the start of college, the worries came back again full force like an angry storm. I was joining medical school and I had heard the stories where everyone there was as busy as a bee including the boys. I assumed that if highschool was purgatory, college was going to hell, I could not stand any chance.
In college,some things sort of changed. I made some new friends as many of the old ones had moved to different states. My straight blonde hair had become curly, something I hated and my sight had also worsened but one thing never changed, my grades.
I was still a top achiever despite the fact that medical school was no holy ground. I had finally convinced myself that I did not need a boyfriend to feel complete. Hanging out with friends was enough to make me go through some of those hectic weeks.
And then one day, it happened, the thing I had always prayed for. Actually Mark and I first met at the farmer’s market, of all places. He had not stopped looking at me throughout the whole time I was shopping. It was there that I first had those butterflies in the stomach feelings that my friends had always described.
We hit it off from there and every moment after that day made me feel like Alice in wonderland. Mark was charming, intelligent and full of humor. He even liked this curly hair that I hated about myself. I was in love and it felt crazy, in a good way. It was like this was the last miracle Jesus had forgotten to perform.
As our love for one another grew, I learned that this was probably not Mark’s first relationship although on my part, it was but that did not bother me, I knew deep down that he loved me.
As they say, “time flies so fast for lovers” and before we knew it, we were both graduating college. This next chapter of my life felt so exciting. I was going to get the careeer I had always dreamed of but above all, I was going to share it with the person I loved most.
We had both agreed on getting married after school because that’s when it would feel right.
We visited each other’s families, made plans about the wedding and next thing we knew, we were on the altar on a sunny summer afternoon somewhere in Southern California surrounded by friends and family. This was indeed a dream come true.
A year later,we bought a house in the pinnacle, the Woods and the forest in Coto de Caza, Orange County and I gave birth to our first son, Michael. He was a happy child, always full energy just like an angel. At the same time, Mark got a big promotion at work which was also good news. Our family had started growing slowly by slowly and it was the envy of many people.
In our second year of marriage, things started changing, Mark seemed to be spending a lot of time at work even working overnight yet Michael and I needed him. It seems the promotion had come with strings attached.
It was now that I discovered his porn and alcohol addiction and we immediately visited a therapist. During his therapy sessions, I realized he was overly stressed and this made worry to the bone. Meanwhile, our second child, Catrina came along and it was another blessing. Michael now had a baby sister.
After my second birth, Mark talked to me about sterilization saying Michael and Catrina were enough to complete our family to which I agreed considering I had a beautiful career and did not want to become a stay-at-home mother.
A few days after my operation, all hell broke loose when we received news that our children had some sort of degenerative disease. This personally turned my world upside down but I did not leave any room for my faith to wither.
This chapter of our lives now included spending many hours in the hospital in addition to paying huge bills. In the middle of all this drama however something happened and it was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I found out that Mark had been cheating on me all this time with his personal secretary.
This all felt like a war and that I was being attacked from all sides. But one thing was for sure, I was not going to give up on my kids even if someone I had trusted with my heart had already broken it.
In the weeks that followed, I watched my kids' health detoriate so fast despite the doctors trying every medication. But I knew the truth, most degenerative diseases had no cure.
Eventually one day, God decided to call Michael and Catrina into heaven. After their burial, what followed was some sort of messy divorce which almost drove me mad. I was too angry knowing no amount of property was going to make me a mother again. It was official, I would never be able to give birth again.
After the divorce, Mark moved to New York City with his personal secretary and started a new life.
My life became miserable as I returned back to my previous single lifestyle wondering if I was the cursed child of my family.