Married to an Addict

The Duck

Have you ever looked at a duck on the water? The duck appears to be calm, cool, and collected. He seems to know exactly where he is headed and is focused on getting there. However, under water, his legs are going a mile a minute, scrambling to keep him above water and moving in the direction he is trying to go.

For at least nine years of my life (but likely much longer), I was a duck. I appeared to have it all together. I had the husband, the wonderful job, the nice home, the nice car, and independence. I had friends and appeared to be enjoying life. However, the scrambling I was doing beneath the surface was another story altogether. I was trying to appear that I had it all together while I was married to an alcoholic and struggling to keep my own head above water.

The problem was that I thought that was the way life was supposed to be. The only person who would love me was someone who had an addiction. After all, I had huge self-esteem and self-respect issues. I spoke a big game. People thought I was confident. But truth be told, you don’t marry an addict if you are not damaged in some way.

And while I thought I had worked through so much from my childhood, the truth was that the journey was ahead of me. And it was going to be a long and painful journey of self-discovery, self-respect, and determination.

Unlike the duck, I could eventually stop running my legs just to appear calm on the surface. I could eventually have my mind, body, and soul meet together in one place and really be calm and together. But the road was long and filled with many tears…and there was no flying south for the winter.

Nine years later, I realize that while I was in a place to marry an alcoholic, I am no longer in a place to accept the mistreatment and abuse that comes along with such a relationship. I know that I am worth much more. My child is worth much more. And the world does not expect me to struggle forever.

The following is my story of being married to an addict and learning that I was good enough to deserve a life away from this extreme dysfunction.

I Applied for the Wrong Job

I can spend days talking about what it is like to be married to an addict. I can spend days talking about how I moved on from that point in my life. But before I go into these details, it is important to know who I am and why this story matters.

I am currently a 44-year-old mother of a wonderful son and stepson. I have a dog and a cat at home. By all accounts, I appear as though I am like most other soccer moms in the world. I work hard. I enjoy life with my kids, my friends, and my family. However, I also enjoy my time alone to think, veg, write, or do anything that I find absolutely relaxing and essential to my well-being.

However, I was not always this woman. I was damaged. I was scared of the world. I was afraid of success. I was afraid to live life. I questioned my worth and my ability to achieve my goals. The truth was that I was a child in the body of a young adult. And I didn’t understand all the world had to offer.

I was the child of divorce. Couple that with the abuse I endured as a young child at the hands of people my family thought we could trust, and I had the perfect setting for abandonment issues and codependency.

As I grew up, my mother worked hard to set a great example for me. However, the most important example she set was the importance of doing the hard work on herself to become the person she is today. I learned early on that no one comes out of life unscathed, and that therapy can be the helping hand you need to face the world with a clear head.

The problem was I didn’t want to face the issues I had. I didn’t want to do the hard work. And I knew everything, like most teenagers and young adults. You know, no one was ever going to tell me anything that I didn’t already know. And if they did give me new information, they were old and didn’t understand what it was like to be me.

So, I set about making many mistakes. MANY MISTAKES. As I look back at my younger years, I was involved with many damaged people as friends, lovers, and associates. I dated a recovering heroin addict who still had a drinking problem, a person who was scared of commitment, and then I dated my alcoholic husband. These relationships were the serious relationships in my life. Of course, I had many flings that led me to believing the narrative in my head : all men want from me is my body.

As stubborn and headstrong as I am, I was determined to stay with an addict and thought I could love him into changing. WHAT A JOKE!! You know, women tell themselves this joke over and over again. We need to feel that we are enough to make an addict or abusive person change their ways. Not even Hollywood makes movies that make this narrative a reality. Yet, I, and many other women, believed that we were the savior that these damaged men needed.

And every time that I was not enough, I was devastated. What did I do wrong that I couldn’t get these damaged men to love me? It was all my fault.

Truthfully, it was all my fault, but not in the way I thought. See, it was my fault for believing I could change someone. It was my fault for refusing to get the help I needed to break the pattern. However, it was never my fault that they didn’t change. My job was never to change anyone. My job was to be a partner and have an equal partner. And I did not even apply for the right job.

The truth is, I have spent my entire life to this point applying for the wrong job. I have spent my entire life taking the burden of others and placing them on my shoulders. Then one day, after much reflection and therapy, I realized that my job was to only take on the things that I can control.

The list is very small. I can control myself. I can control how I respond, act, react, and go about life. I cannot control anyone else. I cannot make someone else do anything they are not willing or able to do. Even my children are only mine to guide, not to control.

Once I gave up the desire to control what wasn’t mine to control, I gave into the desire to be happy and free. It was like quitting a job that was so wrong for me, and instead starting the career that would be my life’s passion.

And I Said, “I Do.”

Let’s get to the heart of the story. I willingly married an alcoholic. I was in love with some things about this man. We had lots of fun together. But mostly, I was in love with an idea. I was in love with being in love. I wanted to be happy. I wanted him to love me enough to change for me. I wanted a family. And I was getting close to my 30s when we met.

No one was telling me that I was getting old and needed to get married. I mean, we didn’t live in the days when women were only good for marriage, keeping a home, and having babies. No. I was encouraged to go back to school and become successful in my career.

Yet, I wanted more. I wanted the house, the husband, the kids. I wanted it all. And I thought compromise equated to sacrifice. So, I thought that if I wanted more, I would have to give more. I would have to let go of the ambitions that drove me to achieve my goals and learn to let someone in.

Let’s think about that for a minute. I needed to let someone in. It is easy to get involved with addicts or people afraid of commitment. The reason it was so easy for me was they were so self-absorbed, they didn’t really need to be let behind my well-built walls. My walls were so well-built, I didn’t even know what was truly beneath them. I wasn’t about to let some other person get beneath them and learn about the real me if I didn’t want to learn.

So, I put up with the constant narcissism and fear because that kept me safe from sharing who I really was. It kept me safe from the world turning me down. While I thought I was being a strong and independent woman, I was truly being a schmuck. I was afraid of the world, so I locked the world out, including myself.

So back to what led me down this path. I had a man here who needed me (so I thought). The truth is he needed someone (anyone) to be his parent. He needed my money. He needed my drive so I could drag him along and let him feel like he was accomplished on his own. He needed me to enable him. And I needed him to need that from me. It was a match made in dysfunction.

As we continued down that path, his drinking became more prevalent in our lives. And every time I asked him about it, he had some wonderful excuse of why he was drinking at that moment. And of course, when this crisis passed, he would stop drinking. I bought it. Each. And. Every. Time.

Each fight was the last fight. Each drunken night of being passed out was the last time I was letting that ever happen. There were so many last times, that I eventually said yes to his marriage proposal. In other words, I was enabling the behavior because I stayed, and I let him think it was OK. And I was enabling me because the more I stayed, the less I had to break down another wall for him.

And I continued to sacrifice, because I just wanted to be a wife and he was the man I thought I wanted. (What did I know?) So, I said “I Do.”

Our wedding was beautiful. The day was gorgeous. My family (his family didn’t have anything to do with us) and our friends joined in the fun. It was a great day. And it presented the illusion to the word that we were a happy couple, so deeply in love.

While most of our close friends and family knew he was an alcoholic, very few knew what that entailed. And as long as I could keep up the façade, I thought I was living the life and doing great!

It’s amazing how clear things are when you look back at them retrospectively. You can see the cracks in everyone’s armor, even your own.

Two People – One Body

As I look back at the past 15 years, I was the worse version of myself for way too long. The truth was, I was two people inhabiting one body. While I have and had many issues and needed therapy and help to sort through them, I used to enjoy life in whatever limited way I could.

I was a fun girl. I loved trying new things, going to live shows, going out with friends, and just having fun in life. I worked hard and partied hard. I am not saying that I always thought with my brain. However, I really had a great love for life and every experience it entailed.

However, with the man who would become my husband, I stopped having as much fun. I would back away from friends. I would choose to stay in with him instead of going out. I would let him tell me who to hang out with and who to stay away from. I alienated my male friends and even some of my female friends.

And if I didn’t alienate them, he tried to alienate them for me. He would make me feel bad if I went out with my friends when he chose to stay home. He would accuse me of cheating. And I would fall for it all the time.

Of course, this was a gradual process. In the beginning, he did things with me as well. He wanted to have fun and wanted to be around friends. He didn’t have many friends, but he seemed to enjoy mine. Then, he slowly started to pull his controlling antics.

In my state of insecurity and low self-esteem, I let this behavior occur. I backed away from people. I began to side with him even when he was wrong or narrow minded. I made a million excuses for him not showing up to events and blowing people off.

I thought everyone else was way too demanding. The truth was, not only was I two different people, but he was Jekyll and Hyde in the flesh. As with many addicts, there is a controlling, abusive narcissist hiding beneath the surface. They prey on people who do not know their self-worth. They gaslight you so you believe you are wrong, and you are not being fair or reasonable.

I was the PERFECT target for my addict. I was in my late twenties, wasn’t married, and wanted a family. I thought I was not worth anything more than a man like him. I thought I was being too picky about the men I was looking to date, so I decided to give him a chance. And I stuck around when he started to show his true colors. I ignored all the red flags and let him be the real person he was, ignoring the real person I was.

As I began to find my self-worth, I started to do the things I loved again. Of course, I was older and had a child, but I found a way to LOVE life again while being older and responsible. I grew up, but I never grew old.

It amazes me how I never truly lost who I was. Instead, I chose to silence her for a while. However, once I began to move on from the addict, I began to wake up and become the person I know and love, the person I want my child to know and love, and the person my friends know and love.

Today, I choose to be one person. I choose to be the stronger, better me. I choose to be the woman that I always knew I wanted to be - loving life, loving my kids, and living my best life as a grown up. Today, I know my self-worth.

Most importantly, I have learned many lessons and know that I am worthy of true love away from an addict. However, my story is not over. It is just beginning.

Sure, I Will Quit

My husband was always an alcoholic. However, he was not always a horrible person. Alcoholism, like any addiction, is a gradual disease. People who refuse to face their illness and get the help they need only get worse.

In the beginning, he drank – a lot. However, we had fun. He went to concerts with me, hung out with my friends, spent time with his son, was kind, and thoughtful. As I said before, he would start to show his true colors and was quite emotionally abusive. However, he had many moments of kindness and thoughtfulness.

As time progressed, he got worse. He would start to have literal temper tantrums. He would throw himself in bed and stay there when he didn’t get his way. He would get mean and belligerent more often.

Every time we would argue about it, he would promise me that he would quit drinking. He would promise to get help and even go to therapy. And many times, he quit drinking for a brief time and would go to therapy for a few months.

Then he would go back to drinking and stop therapy. He would again promise that he would quit once he got a promotion, or his business took off, or he got through whatever life was throwing at him.

These moments would pass, and he would still drink – a lot. And he would gamble. And he would be an active addict day in and day out.

Soon, he started to alienate people that actually wanted to be around him. Mutual friends would stay friends with me but refuse to hang out with him. Instead of quitting alcohol, he began to quit life and all that life entailed.

And every time we would talk about him quitting, I would get the promises. Until I got the excuses. He didn’t want to quit. He would quit if I wasn’t always harping on him. He liked drinking. He can stop whenever he wants. It was truly like living in a Lifetime movie. He knew all the Hollywood lines to throw at me.

Eventually, the lines and false promises stopped working. Eventually, I realized that he would never stop drinking. And I realized I was never going to be enough to get him to stop drinking.

The important piece that it took much longer for me to realize is that NO ONE was ever going to be enough for him to stop drinking. He would lose everything and everyone in his life and still keep the bottle. He had to hit rock bottom. And that may never happen. But most importantly, there was nothing wrong with me that made him keep drinking or was not enough for him to quit drinking.

Instead, I had to be enough for me to realize that I deserved a better life. And that was almost as hard as realizing it was not me that wasn’t enough for him.

Like Attracts Like

Let’s get down and dirty here. The reality of my situation is that I could only marry a broken person. Whether it be an addict, a narcissist, or a person with any number of possible mental illnesses, I was only able to be with a person who had a lot of baggage.

See, at the time, I had a ton of baggage. I could have opened my own Williams and Sonoma with the amount of baggage I was carrying. It was only natural that another person with a ton of baggage would be attracted to me and vice versa.

There is a very popular saying amongst therapists. “Like attracts like.” This saying is one of the most truthful and powerful statements I have ever heard. It is not judgmental. It is not derogatory. It is truthful.

It means that a person will attract another person who has the same number of issues. In other words, if you are not working on yourself to get better and have a slew of psychological issues, you will like and date others with the same number of issues. They may not be the same kind of issues, but you can rest assured that each person in the relationship will have the same amount of baggage.

However, it also means that once you begin to work on yourself, you will no longer be attracted to a person that chooses to stay unhealthy. You will want someone on the same path to health as you.

Powerful, right?

So, there was no way I was going to end up with a healthy or healthier human if I was carrying around enough baggage to open a luggage store. I was only capable of attracting someone with their own luggage store.

As I’ve said before, my dating history was full of very damaged men that I thought I deserved. In some cases, I thought I could fix them. Yet, when I realized I could not, I still didn’t leave. They left me. Sounds fun, right?

The truth is that many of these men left me because they were not getting the same doe-eyed response they received in the beginning of the relationship. I started to realize I deserved better with each relationship. But I was nowhere near strong enough to leave.

Fear has a crazy effect on people. I was not afraid to live. I was afraid to live alone. I was afraid I would never get married and have children. That became my focus. That became my number one addiction.

So, I acted out. I stayed as long as these men would keep me, hoping they would marry me and give me babies. I was too damaged to even begin to think that I was acting out in addiction, anxiety, depression, and unfounded fear. Instead, I just acted. And I continued to find those men that took advantage of these fears until they really could not take advantage any longer.

Now, I have done a lot of work on myself. While I still have some baggage (everyone does), it is not preventing me from making good choices in life. It is not preventing me from growing as a human being. And I am sure, when I am ready, I will attract men that are on the same path, which is a much better and healthier path than I was on before I married an addict.

Some People Go Through Therapy…Others Just Therapy

Sometimes, people think they are going through therapy, however, they are not. Instead, they are going through the motions. I like to say that they just “therapy.” You know, use therapy as a verb. Like, you know that some people bowl on Tuesdays or run after work, right? Well, many addicts therapy one night a week. It’s just another athletic or social thing these people do to pass the time.

In contrast, many people married to an addict, myself included, will put the work in to going through therapy to come out a survivor on the other side. Going through therapy is hard work. It forces you to examine yourself, what led you to the position of marrying an addict in the first place, and what you need to work on. It is never ending. Even after you leave your therapist’s office, you become self-aware, willing to look at your faults, and face your issues head-on.

Going through therapy means accepting that life is hard, you are not perfect, and nothing in life that is worth having comes easily. For me, going through therapy meant (and still means) a lot of tears and a lot of frustration at myself. Yes, I can blame my addict for everything. But then I am no better than he is.

Instead, going through therapy helped me to realize that I was a certain person with certain issues and concerns that landed me in a relationship with an addict. These traits allowed me to overlook red flags. And these issues need to always be addressed and worked on to help me leave that life and person behind.

I promise you, going through therapy sucks. I mean it is really hard. It forces you to really look at and examine yourself…for the rest of your life. I may have stopped going to my therapist’s office regularly. However, I never stop doing the work needed to move on and better myself as a human, a woman, and a mother.

It would be so much easier to just therapy. It would be great to talk to someone about my problems and not follow through with the work they give me based on their advice. And for addicts, it is how they get to keep being an addict and still sleep at night. They feel they are working on themselves because they pay a therapist. However, they are really just fooling themselves and (let’s face it) wasting money.

I had to make a conscious choice that I wanted my life to change. Then I had to find a way to make that change happen. And I continue my journey to be a better person by continuing to check myself when I know I could do better and be better.

And most importantly, unlike many addicts, I know life is not black and white. I know that I am not and will never be perfect. I will make mistakes. I will mess up royally. Yet, I will accept my mistakes and apologize for my behaviors. I will accept responsibility. And most importantly, I will try not to repeat those mistakes.

Oh, and this part is critical: If I do repeat them and make mistakes again (which I will) I will accept that too and learn to love myself with faults and all.

I think that is the most important piece of this puzzle. You cannot love others unless you love yourself. And going through therapy taught me to love myself even with my imperfections. I don’t have to love my issues, but I am not my issues. I am a whole person and I love who I am. (And I am willing to change the things I don’t like, if I can).

Faith Moved Me

My husband and I knew that we would raise our child in the Jewish faith. I grew up in Judaism. My husband grew up as a Catholic. His ex-wife was Jewish and raising their son in a Jewish household. Neither my husband nor I practiced our faiths in years. However, we knew we wanted something for our child. And I knew Judaism, so that is what we chose.

When our child was around 3, I started looking for a synagogue. I didn’t want the typical synagogue that put money first. I wanted something that was faith-based and accepting of multi-faith marriages.

I found the perfect place for us. It was small and very progressive. The families were of the same mindset as I. They accepted multi-faith families and believed in donations as opposed to dues. They welcomed children of all ages and personalities.

Not only did we join, but I soon found myself on their board. I had found a new family. More importantly, I renewed my faith in G-d. I was excited to go to Jewish events and services. I was moved when I prayed with our congregation and when I prayed alone.

Not only did I get a renewed faith in G-d, but I also got an extended family of amazing men, women, and children. We laughed together, cried together, prayed together, and celebrated together. We spoke to each other about life, raising kids, G-d, and everything in between. We gave each other strength.

I didn’t even know that I needed G-d again, until I found Him again. I am not trying to convince you readers that you need the faith journey I went on. I am simply stating, that for me, I would not be at this point in my life without my faith, my friends, and my family.

My faith moved me forward. It helped me to find the strength to secure a new job out of my comfort zone. It gave me the strength to ask for help when I needed it. It gave me a support system I never believed I needed but should have put together years before. Without my faith and associated community, I doubt that I would have gone into therapy, began taking care of me, and start to realize that I was not only failing my son, but I was failing myself.

Without my faith and the help of G-d, I would never have thought that I deserved more out of life. I would have struggled to be something on the surface while deep down I was at a much lower point. Eventually, my surface person would have collided with the person bubbling beneath the surface and exploded. It would have ruined my life.

However, G-d made sure that didn’t happen. And for that, I am in awe of how life occurs, and things happen for a reason that fits with G-d’s plan.

The Gaslighting Comes to an End

How many times do you need someone to put you down until you scream at them to stop? Apparently, it was well over a hundred times that I needed someone to put me down until I yelled at them to stop. However, yelling to stop did not mean that I didn’t believe their insults.

Being with an addict leads to some of the most aggressive and abusive forms of gaslighting. One moment I was told how beautiful I was. The next minute, the same person told me that I was a fat, lazy slob. He insisted he was a neat freak and was always cleaning up everything. He made me out to be a controlling, ugly monster.

When I questioned him about any of it, he would act like I was being irrational. He would tell me that he would stop doing any housework and I would see how much I don’t do. He would tell me that I obviously didn’t care about him or my child because I didn’t work out anymore. But, in the same breath he would remind me that he loved me as much as he did when I was thin.

Then, I took a job in Philadelphia. This job meant that he needed to pick up the slack with our child a bit more. If you could have been a fly on the wall at that moment, you would have cringed at every idiotic fight he would pick.

I was progressing professionally. And all he could think about was that he would need to pick our son up a couple of days a week. He couldn’t be proud of me. Instead, I was being selfish and not thinking about our family.

Unlike all the other attempts to gaslight me, this one did not work. I learned very quickly how to take control of myself and my life and ask for nothing from him. It was truly the beginning of the end for me.

Growing professionally was the catalyst I needed to help me grow as a person overall. I started to realize that I was a great person personally and professionally. I also realized that he could not handle my success in any way. He could not give of himself and step up as a father. He certainly would not step up as a husband.

It still took a while to start to work on me. But the seeds were planted, and I was ready to make changes. And I realized that if he wasn’t willing to make those changes, I wasn’t going to stop. I realized that I was good enough, smart enough, and people (including myself) liked me.

Everything Is Not Fair Game

When you are close to someone, you want to open up to them. You want to tell them your darkest secrets. You want them to know your story. You are willing to become vulnerable as an act of intimacy.

Truth be told, I wanted that intimacy with my husband. Yet, when you are married to an addict, you do not realize that your ultimate act of intimacy is their ammunition to hurt you. And in their weakest moments, they will take everything you confided in them and throw it in your face like hot coffee; ready to burn your skin off.

I learned this the hardest way possible (as most of us spouses often do). Now, I am about to become vulnerable to you. However, I know this vulnerability is for the greater good. And I know that a writer must be intimate with their readers if they expect their readers to invest their time into moving and continuing this forged relationship.

So here goes. I was the victim of date rape as a college student. I mean, I am no different than the thousands of women who have survived rape or date rape. Unfortunately, this is a very common story that needs years for victims to process.

My situation involved a guy I was dating and the continued pressure to succumb to his sexual advances. I tried very hard to continue to say no. However, he wore me down and I eventually consented because I didn’t know what else to do. And it took me years to even realize that what I experienced was a form of date rape.

So other than advancing our relationship, why am I sharing this information with you? Well, as you probably guessed, I opened up and shared this information with my addict. I hadn’t told anyone about this event for many years. However, I felt that if we were going to be sexually involved and eventually married, he had a reason to know my story.

That story should have remained a story shared between a couple. Instead, he took it to be fair game in every fight we ever had. See, he was the jealous type (big surprise, right?). So he manufactured stories in his head about me and these mysterious people (men and women) that I was supposedly cheating with. Then, while he was accusing me of these imaginary events, he would throw in my face that I was raped.

The truth is, I really don’t know how people can be so cruel. To assume everything your partner tells you in confidence is fair game in a fight is absurd. Mind you, had I been so cruel, he would have been incredibly hurt by it and call me out on it. But for him, everything was fair game. His filter disappeared.

It got to a point where he didn’t even have to drink to be so cruel. The alcohol had taken over his personality and entire being. He could be without a drink and still act out as an addict (otherwise known as a dry drunk).

It took me quite a while and a ton of therapy to understand that I allowed myself to be vulnerable and that is not necessarily a bad thing, as long as it is with the right person. And truthfully, he just was not the right person.

Wait, This Isn’t Normal?

When you are in an abusive relationship, it can be difficult to see that you are suffering abuse. Not all abusive relationships are physically abusive. In some cases, the emotional, financial, and mental abuse is more damaging than physical abuse. For those suffering physical abuse, they can show signs of abuse. As a result, they can receive restraining orders and may experience other forms of help from friends, families, and colleagues.

However, many people still do not understand financial, mental, and emotional abuse. They see that people can be mean, but they cannot understand what makes these behaviors abusive. These ideas often cause victims of such abuse to think they are in a normal relationship with someone who just can be mean (you know, sometimes).

The truth is that a loving relationship includes acts of respect, love, and admiration. Anything less is not normal behavior.

Financial abuse (where a partner refuses to allow you access to bank accounts, money, earning potential, and more) is not part of a normal relationship. Couples with a healthy relationship provide financial support to one another and want each other to share in the financial responsibilities within the relationship. They want each other to understand the family budget and contribute equally.

Emotional abuse can be devastating as well. When one partner insists on breaking you down (like you are a soldier in boot camp), they are not your partner. They are your oppressor. They insist on ensuring you question everything in your life. Your self-esteem cannot flourish in such an environment. Instead, you begin to believe that all you are worthy of is your abuser.

Mental abuse includes the lack of support and even making you feel guilty about advancing yourself. The abuser makes you feel guilty for getting a better job, getting an education, or even losing a few pounds. Their goal is to keep you as oppressed as possible, so you believe you are experiencing love. In reality, you are experiencing abuse in many forms.

These acts may cause you to reciprocate the behavior. As a result, you and your abusive addict are feeding off of each other. The abuse continues and you believe this is normal. Your abuser will even work to convince you and others that you are the abuser. And there will be behaviors that make you (and others) believe you are the abuser.

These behaviors are not normal. They are part of an abusive relationship. And the truth is that you cannot thrive in this environment. This environment will kill your spirit. Getting out of the cycle will open your eyes to what life and love can and should be.

Some Other Girl with Low Self-Esteem Will Take Care of You…It’s Just Not Me Anymore

Do you wonder what causes a person to marry an addict? As we discussed before, my self-esteem was in a very low place. I didn’t think I was worthy of much. Therefore, I went for a man that wasn’t capable of giving much. I latched on to whatever he was willing to give, accepted that I was not a good person and deserved what he dished out, and fell into a rut, allowing myself to believe I was in love.

More importantly, I believed he loved me. I believed he was possessive, rude, and obsessive because he loved me so much. I was really at an emotionally low point in my life. I mean, I believed no one else would ever love me the way he did.

The thing is, I chose to grow as a human. I chose to believe that there was more to life and love than what I was receiving. And truthfully, I prayed he would grow with me. I begged him to get the help he needed. I begged him to go to rehab. I begged him to love me and our son the way we deserved to be loved.

One day, I stopped begging. I stopped praying for him. Instead, I began praying for me. I began praying for confidence to grab the life I knew I deserved. I realized that I was never going to be the one to get him to change. He didn’t want to change. He didn’t want to address the reality of his life and his emotions.

But, I didn’t want to live in that hole any longer. I didn’t want my son to grow up thinking that his father was the example of how a man should treat a woman. And I didn’t want that version of me to be the example of how a woman should behave or be treated.

One day, I looked him squarely in the eye and said, with every bit of confidence of a little girl dressing up as Wonder Woman for the first time, “ Some other girl with low self-esteem will be happy to take care of you. I’m not that girl anymore.” And with that, I signed the divorce papers and gave him the pen.

You want to know what liberated feels like? It feels amazing. It can also feel a bit lonely and overwhelming. Taking your own fate into your hands and crawling out from a hole is hard work. But it feels amazing when you can look at your addict (or abuser as he became) and know that you are no longer the problem and no longer willing to be his punching bag.

It Is OK to Not Be OK

Marrying an addict does not come from nowhere. We do not live a perfectly normal life one day and then the next day decide to spend our lives with someone who erases all semblance of normal. Life does not work that way.

See, marrying an addict is the only way life can go if you are never aware that it is OK to not be OK. If you think life is full of heartache and crazy is normal, then you will gravitate towards insanity. And in truth, life with an addict is a life full of insanity. If you haven’t gotten that point from all you have read before this point, I am happy to reiterate this. I will shout it loud for everyone in the back to hear.

LIFE WITH AN ADDICT IS FULL OF INSANITY! IT IS TRYING TO CONVINCE YOURSELF THAT YOU ARE OK AND LIFE IS NORMAL WHEN, IN REALITY, YOU ARE LIVING A LIFE FULL OF INSANITY!

One of the most important points that can save you a life of insanity is coming to terms with the idea that is it OK to not be OK. It is OK to admit you have suffered trauma in your life. It is OK to seek therapy and work on yourself to change your story. It is OK to say that you need help, and you are not OK. If you can admit this concept to yourself, you can avoid a life of insanity. Or, at the very least, you can escape this life and survive to live a life of sanity.

Truth be told, I am a Gen-X woman. Mental health was not always something we talked about. We were taught to cope with life and move on from sadness, fear, and devastation. The mere thought of mental health concerns meant you were weak.

So, we grew up afraid to admit that there was a problem with which we could not cope. And, since no one gets out of life alive, we just had to grin and bear it until we inevitably passed. But remember, always smile and put on a happy face because our goal was to go along to get along and to do what is needed to make peace.

And thus, the cycle begins, allowing us to avoid true feelings, push down trauma, and live life as numb as humanly possible. And while you may not turn to substances to help mask these feelings, you will likely find others that will use substances and think their behavior is perfectly normal.

However, if we admitted that it was OK to not be OK, we may have been able to avoid this cycle and realize that we can grow and we can have feelings that make others uncomfortable. And even more importantly, having those feelings is more normal than anything else in life.

I Would Do It All Over Again

Truth be told, I would not change any of my journey. I mean, I know that sounds crazy. But seriously, my journey made me who I am today. Marrying an addict and experiencing such hardships led me to find…me.

I was a vey different person when I met my addict. As I mentioned, it was the only way my life would work out. However, I grew because I knew that was not the end of my story. And at the end of that piece of my journey, I got to enjoy the love of two amazing humans (my son and my bonus son). And, I got to find the person I am and the person I was meant to be.

Being in this situation forced me to fight and grow. It forced me to find what I wanted out of life and strive towards it. And truthfully, I am happier now than I have been in years.

Life is hard, and probably harder on my own than it was together (at least financially). But my life is so much better and easier. I feel at ease. Which also means my son feels at ease. There is peace in my home.

However, I would go through the entire process again, because without it I would not have my kids or myself. And I would do anything to have these things and this peace in my life. That includes marrying my addict.

With a LOT of Help from My Friends

There is a great song by Joe Cocker called “With a little help from my friends.” This song talks about how we get by and get through life with our friends. It talks about how we need to find our people to survive.

I will tell you that this song resonates with me on a deeper level. I would not be the woman, mother, friend, or human that I am today if I did not have the people in my life that allowed me to cry, vent, scream, and learn while I was at my lowest. These people (my tribe) helped me through the darkest days and gave me strength when I thought all was lost.

My tribe was more than just friends and family. It included my therapist, my son’s therapist, acquaintances, and the amazing people that helped me start my journey when I went to Al Anon. Each of these individuals provided wisdom, support, and unconditional love (even if it was tough love) to help me realize I deserved more and that my son deserved more. And truthfully, without these people, I would still be married to an addict, slipping deeper and deeper into mental illness, depression, anxiety, and overall losing of myself to a human that didn’t even care about himself, let alone me and our child.

That’s not to say that my addict believed he didn’t care about us. In his mind, he loved us and would do anything for us. However, when push came to shove, he didn’t know what love was. He was traumatized and lived in that trauma.

And he clearly would not do anything for us, because he would not do anything for himself. Meaning, he would not get clean and sober for himself, let alone for us.

One thing I learned is that love does not hurt like it did with an addict. Love does not allow you to think the worst of yourself. Love is supposed to be supportive, not oppressive. Love is supposed to be kind. Love should not hurt (at least not every day).

While I did not receive love from my addict, I did and do receive it from my tribe. And without my tribe, I would not be here to tell this story and help others cope with being married to an addict.