Man or Bear?

Until a couple of days ago, this had passed me by. Most things do, I am pretty slow on the uptake. I was only able to wear my shell suit once at the beginning of 1992 before, having only just put it on, being late to discard it too. "I dont get it", I said, showing my partner a meme I had seen more than once in which a flame haired maiden took tea with a bear.

"Ah," he said, knowingly, for each of us claims the win when we recognise we are marginally more down with the kids than the other, "so, there is this question, who would you rather be lost in the woods with, a man or a bear." "Bear" I said. You see how there was no paragraph break there? I am a believer in linguistic rules being convention rather than law, and I had answered before he had even finished his sentence. He looked vindicated.

"Exactly."

Now, I didn't get where I am today without questioning my own assumptions here and there (it is worth noting here that where I am today is not terribly far, overthinking is so terribly industrious it leaves little time for actual progress). So I thought about it. Pondered the permutations. Might the bear be hungry? Might the man be resourceful? Might there be a cabin? Might there be a stick? And having wandered the woods until I could see the wood despite the trees, I reached my conclusion. Still bear.

A bear wont hurt me for pleasure. A bear wont hurt me for wounded pride. A bear wont hurt me because its drunk, because its high, because its football team lost. A bear wont hurt me just because it can.

Neither will the majority of men of course. And yet, in 2021, 18% of crimes recorded in England and Wales were domestic abuse. There were 194,683 sexual offences reported in England and Wales in the year ending March 2022 (Crime in England and Wales: year ending March 2022, Office for National Statistics). Over 70,000 rapes. Recorded. Reported. Men, mostly. Not exclusively, and its important to acknowledge that, because male victims of domestic and sexual abuse perhaps have an even harder journey than women. Even that says something about how we socialise our men, doesn't it. What's expected. What's accepted. Where shame comes from. But mostly male perpetrators, mostly against women. And girls.

We are right to be afraid of bears. Bears are bigger than us, heavier, stronger. Bears are, in most of their natural habitats, apex animals. This does not make them unafraid. Bears are scared too. Scared of harm befalling them or their offspring, scared of losing their resources, their position in the hierarchy. The animal training axiom that a scared animal is a dangerous animal holds.

We are also right to be afraid of men. Please re-read the above paragraph replacing the word "bear" with "men". But then add this. Men are animals. Just like bears and women. Across nature, sexual aggression and coercion is common, including the control of female reproduction through behaviours such as herding, separating from the group and even killing of young. But men are highly intelligent animals. Animals capable of conceptual thought, ethical consideration, decision making in behaviour. Men are socialised from birth by a complex, developed network which ordains that violence, threat and sexual incursions are not acceptable behaviour. Yet at the same time as preaching a morality of mutual respect, many cultures also drip with objectification of women and esteem for a style of masculinity characterised by the assertion of dominance. And wherever dominance is asserted, someone is domineered.

And so, a man will hurt me for pleasure. A man will hurt me for wounded pride. A man will hurt me because he is drunk, because he is high, because his football team lost. A man will hurt me just because he can.

I believe that 98 men out of 100 would be my ally in those woods. At worst, a grumpy sod with no bright ideas. But we would be stronger together, more able to defend ourselves from bears and the like.

So why am I still choosing the bear?