Loving yourself

I think the true meaning behind loving yourself and the saying “you can only love someone when you love yourself” is about selfishness. To love yourself and someone else is to be selfish and to be selfless. It makes sense this way.

Firstly in loving yourself, is to accept and fulfill a designated value of pleasures to be content with the repainting souls around you. An egoistic way of thinking that pushes you to your next level of greatness.

Second in the ability to love someone else, it is an absolute selfless act. Not the full dictionary verse act, but the live performance and action taken requires an altruistic being, even ever so slightly. To be able to love someone is to give them permission to destroy you and you will deal with it. To trust them to not break your heart that you treat so delicately and admire from beneath. A friend once told me something similar. You can’t expect a goal reaction for a new action. For every action there is an equal AND opposite reaction.

The connection between loving yourself first to be able to love someone else is the balance between the amount of selfishness/selflessness. To give your heart away, the same one you vowed and praised to (selfish), and allow some new soul to take their pick on how they will treat you is a risk beyond any other (selfless). With that balance, if you are unable to completely and truly love yourself, you will simply tip off the scale many times before you get to the desired self fulfillment. The only way to be successful is for a balance. be careful who you trust ... which includes yourself.

And on the other hand….

A personal story to show for what I truly mean. I loved myself so dearly .. or so I thought. I would indulge in self-care. I would make sure my hair and teeth were brushed , my face was washed, my eyebrows looked good, my body was clean and smelled Ah-mazing ! I was soft and my nails were painted, my cuticles pushed back, my legs and underarms shaved. My bra and panties matched one another. I was in love with my self. And I thought it high time to find someone else to share some of it.

So I did, or maybe they found me. They came to me broken and torn, I accepted them as they were. Immediately after a streamline of questions to make sure he wasn’t strait jacket material. I let my guard down and began sending streams of courage , kindness and understanding. And they were reciprocated so I continued. It was constant exchange of swooning and love and gestures. We fell in love. So deep I could feel the daggers presence almost. As months went by and a year was approaching us we made a rash decision to move in together and be the real thing. It was stressful but also beautiful to break free together and become one. Except that’s not what happened. His friend tagged along on a free ride which I didn’t appreciate. The next thing was infidelity. How would he ?! We had just moved in! I thought He loved me ? How could he do this??

Well he assured me he didn’t actually do it himself , right. And I somehow managed to let it go after a lot of convincing. When his friend left I thought things would change. But he didn’t want to work a job or work his business or pay any bills. But If I loved him so truly I would take care of him right ? That’s exactly what I did and with a smile on my face. Giving him all this love. And what did he do next ? He stole money from me. I cried aloud again, “How could you do this !? Why!? Where is it ?! What have you done!?” But it wasn’t really that big of a deal because I had the money to replace it, right. “It wasn’t even a lot of money” And he didn’t, but I loved him.. and so I let it go. I found Him a good paying job, with good hours job. And about 3 weeks later I found out he just quit… just stopped showing up didn’t even properly resign. And there went my reputation. And I mean where we he all these nights he said he was “working”?

I took a trip for my 21st birthday for a week and it was so wonderful. Which I thought things would only continue to get better when I returned. But when I did he had a trip of his own to take. I continued my vacation until he returned acting as if things were actually unchanged.

One afternoon after he’d came back we made love and he fell asleep. I had some powerful gut wrenching feeling screaming at me to look into his phone for something. And when I did I found something. A huge 3 months of something was the evidence I found but the lies had to have started beyond this for sure. 3 months he’d hidden a pregnant women whom he fathered the child, from me. Out of love I waited until his slumber was over to confront him. He admitted to it all and my heart grew cold at the moment. And for a moment there was no love inside of me when I started a glass tornado out the window and onto the walls. But it soon died out after more convincing. He was still there… out of my love for him. My compassion. In which I soon regretted deeply.

2 days went by and the tension was still high. My heart was swelling in disbelief of the facts and I decided to poke a button of his. Whatever button I pushed, it set off a bomb. He set his way out of our doors for good. So I wanted to show love once more and assist in his leave… my best guess here is that he didn’t actually want to leave. Because he grabbed me from behind and placed me into my death sentence. A strangle hold to my only oxygen supply. He affirmed to me that in this moment he could easily end it all for me right then and there. I struggled helplessly for however long this act took. I looked into his eyes and I didn’t see his eyes anymore. It was a look of completion, a dark void of nothingness. Someone I did not know. I fell unconscious at least once and I fought as best as I could . Once he beat me down to a point he thought I wouldn’t awake he ran out the door. And I never Ever saw him again. I loved and I allowed that person to love me in the way they chose to. Whether it be brutal force or flowers and candy. I am Still alive though… and it’s only out of pure love that I am. But then I aso have the question… did I love Myself enough ?

I hate to have had to cut off our sweet love story so soon but this is where all the left turns were made and it all just ended. Except the story isn’t quite over … and that’s for another story time.