Love Un-Requited

It is funny yet ironic how this prompt is right up my alley and yet I don't know where to start. I write about love, reflect about love and think about love more than I proudly want to admit. In other words, I am the epitome of a hopeless romantic.

Maybe it is so hard for me to reflect on the complexities of love because I never understood what love was. Maybe I am scared to resurface how I view love because for 3 decades, I learned that I was unraveling love wrong.

Here are three stories to share how I have unraveled love... the hard way.

August 2021

"So, do you think your parents love you?" My therapist asked. I felt a tightness form in my stomach.

"I mean, yeah. My mom, yes. My dad... conditionally.''

"That is fair. There is something about people growing up not having that unconditional love that causes them to seek it out elsewhere as they get older. Have you ever heard about the grape juice story?" My therapist said. I didn't want to go to therapy, but I needed something. Some release to the bottled up emotions, and so I shook my head as to tell him no.

"A mom gave her daughter a grape juice box and told her not to spill it. Her daughter, being a child, ended up spilling the grape juice on her brand new white rug. Sounds about right. The girl started crying, knowing she was going to be in big trouble because the brand new white rug was covered in purple grape juice and her mom told her not to spill it. Her mom came into the living room and asked her daughter why she was crying." He paused as if for effect. I still didn't get the point of the story.

"The daughter said because she had disobeyed her mom and spilt the grape juice on the rug. The mom asked her if she was okay and if it was an accident. The daughter said yes to both. The mom went back to the kitchen and grabbed some bleach to come back into the living room to clean the grape juice up." He stopped. I knew my face did not hide my confusion.

"What do you think the point of that story was?"

"Honestly, I don't know."

“The daughter thought automatically that she was going to be in trouble because she made a mistake. She thought her mom would be mad at her because of her clumsy action of spilling the grape juice. But what did the mom do? She forgave her daughter, knowing it was an accident. That is an act of unconditional love. Would your mom do something like that?"

"Yes."

"Would your dad?"

"I don't... no."

"He would have been angry that you spilled the grape juice when he asked you not to spill it. He would have seen it as disobeying you, right?"

"Yes." I took another deep breath. Ugh, so this is what therapists do. I knew the truth, despite her wanting to believe something different. My dad loved me with conditions, and no matter what I did about it, it was not going to change. It was the type of person he was.

"Women have this almost innate ability to love unconditionally, I would assume because they are meant to give birth and life. But men, there isn't always that. That is why I asked you about boundaries, because maybe what is best here is for you to put the cards in your hand. You are about to live states away, so this is your time to be able to form boundaries." I was intrigued, oddly enough.

"How do I do that?" I caught myself asking.

"Whatever you feel comfortable with doing. If they call you, decide for yourself if you want to answer. If you want to go home for a holiday, you decide for how long. Boundaries are good, but they do not mean you don't like your parents any less. We all need boundaries."

Lesson: I was unraveling the wrong part of love. I was forcing my parents showing me they loved me instead of unraveling how to love myself.

April 2022

"Are you okay?" My mom asked me. I was in the bathroom, getting ready to take my mom and aunt to lunch. She sat on the toilet, and just looked at me. That question, though sounding so simplistic, felt loaded and heavy as they passed through her lips, through one of my ears and out the other. I felt it. Everything. It was like everything that I had been pressing down for 11 months suddenly came to the surface.

I felt the tears form in the back of my eyes, and I stopped putting on my makeup. It was so hard, doing this. Feeling this. All of it, like my heart, had these chains and it was weighing me down, physically, mentally; emotionally. I wasn't prepared for this question, her question. For someone to actually ask me how I was. I had been diverting attention for months, never allowing anyone to get close enough to ask me how I was doing. Maybe that was why I was being so aloof to the world. I didn't want anyone to ask me the one, real question that would make me come to terms with myself: was I okay? It was a different question than the easy 'how are you?" That question is one that anyone can answer with a simple, 'good, how are you?" to divert one's attention onto someone else or as a passerby friendly acknowledgement.

I could have lied and continued lying by saying yes, I was okay. I could have kept bottling it in and refusing to admit my own feelings. I could have conned my own heart and head and kept saying that it didn't matter. None of it mattered. I could have said I was great, perfect in fact. I mean, in most areas of my life I was. I was doing the masters I wanted to do, at the school I loved. I was living in the apartment that was perfect for me and driving my perfect car. I had it all. At this moment, I truly had it all... except him. And yet, at least I met him. What feelings were so bottled up that my mom asking me if I was okay, could trigger something so deep with something so little?

I finally turned and looked at her. And as I did, she saw the look in my eyes. And I didn't even stop her this time. I let her see everything on my face to answer her question: no, I was not okay.

"Mom, I am in love with him." Her eyes fell in her lap. I knew she knew I would say it, but it didn't mean she approved.

"I am sorry. And I know you do, but you have to know, he doesn't care about you. No guy who cared about you would act like this. I just don't understand why he is acting this way. I really don't."

"I just know, I have never been so sure of anything more in my life than that it is he and I, together. I don't know when, or how, but it doesn't matter. It will be him and I... someday. In some way."

My mom didn't say anything, but I knew her well enough to know that means that she didn't want to say something. And honestly, at this point; or with this subject, I was okay with her not saying anything more. I didn't need her to because I didn't want her to. She didn't understand. No one did, but I respected that she cared enough to ask if I was okay.

Lesson: I didn't understand romantic love at all. I thought love was caring for someone so much that eventually they could love themselves. But not everyone wants to accept love.

December 2023

And then it happened. Right there and then, he blew up again at me, and as he did, I felt my heart sink deeper and deeper in my chest. If I wasn't actually looking at him, I would have thought it was all coming from another guy's mouth.

"You are crossing the line. I am not your boyfriend and this is all boyfriend shit. If you ask me to see you again, I will say no every time. No movie nights, no small talk and no meeting your friends. Zero vices. Including meaningless sex. I have been right all along that you can't separate the two, and I should have listened to myself." My mouth was gaped open, and I was holding back tears. He turned away.

"Where is that coming from? That is aggressive. Can we not talk about this? I think I deserve a little more explanation." My head was pounding.

"No. And I am not talking about this again. And if you text me, I will block you." I tried to open my mouth to say something else, but Elliot went to his door, put my stuff out side the door and waited for me to leave.

Lesson: I was chasing a love that was unrequited. I was unraveling a love that was never there.