Look at what you’ve done!

It’s been a while since you crossed my mind, I’ve been good at keeping you in the distance. Letting you back never does me any good. Only leads me down memory lane, which leaves me in far more pain than I care to feel again. You couldn’t get away from me fast enough? Left me alone with my sister who was only 2 at the time; off to drink, party and screw up again. You didn’t bother to feed us, change us, you couldn’t even care enough to love us. You chose to abandon us, chose to give up and walk out before getting to know us. You and my father destroyed me before I could walk, you were my downfall, the start to my breakdown. My reason for wanting to jump off the edge. You wished you had aborted, remember when you told me to go kill myself just so you could dance on my grave? What kind mother could be so malicious? So vengeful, spiteful, aside from a woman who should have never been a mother. The damage you caused, the nights I cried myself to sleep as I hear again how much you didn’t want me, never fought for me hell you didn’t even show up to court to see who got to keep me, like I was some stupid trophy. But I guess I was more like a participant ribbon, the one you get so you don’t feel guilty about yourself. You didn’t care; rather look like a flake than a woman who lost to the father in court over the custody of your daughters. Do you know what it was like, having to explain why my mom was never around? Having to explain this stupid complicated family? You left, she came. I was your daughter and you never loved me, but a woman who already had 2 daughters still found it in her to love 3 more - to accept us for the broken, self destructive train wrecks that would eventually fall off the rails. losing whatever sanity we had preserved from the years of tears and the questions that always went unanswered. Let me ask you mother, what was it that you couldn’t love? What part of me was so repulsive it made you hate me so freaking much? Why wasn’t I enough? Why didn’t you ever try? Had it not been for my auntie I wouldn’t be alive, I would have known what love really was. We would have starved, would have died long before you came home from a drunken one night stand. The sad part is the little girl in me still cries for her mother, or the idea of you I had to make up inside my head. When the news hit that you had passed away, it hit me harder than I cared to admit. What you could never know is that apart of me died with you. It was a shock to me, that feeling as the it all replayed in my head. From the words you said, to the conversation we had while you laid in your death bed. I used to believe that you’d change, that one day you’d love us but that wasn’t the truth. You wanted to attention, forgiveness for the mistakes you made and like the woman I am, I released you from your guilty conscious but I realize that was the empath in me, i never want to see anyone die alone, so you got me. That’s okay, I’m the daughter who was born from darkness and chaos but difference is I’ll always choose light, always choose love. Look what you’ve done mother, I became the opposite of you.