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Living Your Truth- Is Marriage For Everyone?

Monogamous vs Polyamorous Relationships Part 1

By Leah EllaPublished 3 years ago 6 min read
Living Your Truth- Is Marriage For Everyone?
Photo by Jessica Felicio on Unsplash

Everyone Loves Differently. When you think of the word, "love," what comes to mind? There is the universal, principled, love, familial, romantic, platonic... The list goes on and on but when you really stop and think of love, what is the first experience that defined your perception of love? When and how did you first experience or feel loved?

I've listened to a lot of conversations around love... First off, I think that the generation after me is the most honest, transparent, aligned at the core self generation yet. It's almost a rebirth of humanity at it's core. As a society, we are finally paying attention to our truths and who we are at our core. I call this period, the time of healing. Now, back to love...

As you know, I don't like labels but I have come to appreciate how they help build culture and identity within society. Here's my truth- I don't believe in monogamy. I grew up probably more religious than most and while I'm no longer religious, I questioned the concept of marriage even before accepting my truth. I never believed that marriage was the end all, be all because my parents were married for 16 years and then had shorter marriages 2 and 5 years etc... with other spouses. The religion and the Bible shames those things like divorce, society actually shames divorce as well. The divorce rates are the reality of the disbelief of marriage being the ultimate institution of love. I do not agree with this concept.

My parents are both lovely people individually who express love in different ways. My Mom values security and to her, a partner who gives her that is enough for her to feel comfortable enough to love. My Father is a giver, he lives life passionately and practices a more universal type of love. She is currently married, he is not. The older I get, the more comfortable I am with giving, or, sharing my love for my partners, while not confining them to the construct of marriage. I don't want to be owned and I don't want to own or possess anyone else and call it love. Those are my feelings on the topic. Will I ever get married? I don't see why not... I think that marriage is a great secure option or perimeter to raise children in. I don't believe that marriage automatically means that you are going to love your spouse until the end of time. I believe that love is curated as a happily ever after fantasy. Fantasies are cool, in my head but not in real life. That being said, I have seen happy marriages and it makes me happy to know that it does work for those who want it to work.

I see my partners for who they are. I love for people to be who they are, the expressive, beautiful, soulful, artistic, curious, passionate people who I've been so fortunate to love at different times in my life. I'm happy for all of them and I truly wish them all the best. I tend to attract either possessive partners, codependent partners or narcissistic partners. I find it very troubling because it reminds me of my childhood. Without going too much into detail, when my parents finally did separate and eventually divorce, I took on the protector role to my Mother and the supportive role to my Father. I'm a Daddy's girl through and through. My Father is so open emotionally and we have a special bond that way. My Mother was and might still be a very guarded person, emotionally. Her emotions are expressed in anger and frustration while my Father is benevolent. I am my Father and I'm also my Mother when I feel the need to be guarded.

Four years ago, I landed into, or found myself in a polyamorous relationship. Now, when I think back to it, I realize that I was searching for the meaning and the feeling of love. I couldn't find the feeling that I equated to love. I was fresh off the heels of a relationship that I ended because I couldn't see "settling down" anytime soon... Love to me feels like support. Being a supportive partner is of the utmost importance to me. I dated a couple who were recently engaged and together for seven years at the time. They knew each other, they were comfortable within their union yet due to circumstances, vulnerability was shy. Without revealing too much personal information about them out of respect for their privacy, I won't expound on the circumstances they found themselves in. I was new to the experience of being in a "thruple.." I felt safe within their union. I had purpose and it wasn't until recently that I realized where that feeling came from. It came from 14 year old me who became the glue for my parents while they figured out their separation... My Mom leaned on me and knew that I was there for her, I became her best friend. My Dad, well, I have an emotional bond with him so I understood him and fully saw him, in his hurt, in his heartbreak, in the lessons that he was learning maybe too late... I felt their love, raw and true. I felt my Mom's guard up, her resistance... She no longer wanted to be married to my Father and I accepted them for who they were in that moment. I didn't blame or judge them, how could I? I lived with them as a married couple for 16 years.

This is what I hoped to offer to this couple who wanted me to fulfill a need that they could not fulfill within each other due to a new experience in their lives that they were trying to navigate and figure out a way forward. Being there for the woman in the relationship mattered to me. She was hurt and processing her emotions, we were friends. I felt like me being there was a relief to her because she didn't have to be alone. Her permission mattered to me. She offered me to her partner because he had physical needs that she could not fulfill at the time. She treated me well, we had a good friendship too, I knew her since high school, in our teenage years. I observed her and remembered her and felt a connection to her even then. Being there for her now felt like the inevitable. I moved state for work and the physicality of the relationship ended but the emotional support the three of us shared separately, hers and mine, his and mine, did not end right away. We are still in touch, I don't know all that much about soul ties but I would imagine that we are that.

Polyamory is not just about sex, it is much more about intimacy, vulnerability, trust and being seen. Sex is an expression of the deep connection and chemistry. I don't have sex without these qualities being present and I don't care what gender you are. I can love you simply because you are you. If you hide in the Ego and never reveal your True Self, I cannot love you. I refuse to love the crafted identity or idea of you. I don't accept counterfeit anything... Those are my standards. I only know how to be me and I expect you to be you.

Today I sit here in my truth, constantly evaluating the relationships I find myself in and realizing that I want trust, I want open communication and I want the freedom to be me. I am not the end all, be all. I do not want to be that for someone else, I want to be that for myself. Monogamy and marriage have never been in my peripheral. It might've been the reason why I could not stay faithful in a religious setting, although baptism signified commitment. Commitment is another topic for another day. A set of beliefs that teach marriage as the goal of love is not my truth. My love is unbounded, it is strong, it is powerful. I want to share and impact with my love. I don't want to limit it within the confines of what should be. What should be is up to us to define what works for us. I'm a square peg in a round hole and I do identify as pansexual. Right now, I'm going to resume my abstinence because I did enter into a 2 month relationship with a partner who proved to be possessive and codependent and only concerned with his wants and setting the terms of love. Love was his weapon and so was trauma bonding. I'm against these things. Love is support, acceptance and love is freedom. Live in your truth as I am determined to live in mine.


About the Creator

Leah Ella

Caribbean-American(she/her)+Actor+Life Coach student.

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    Leah EllaWritten by Leah Ella

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