Living Life on the Safe Side of Lonely

I hate spending holidays alone. It doesn’t matter what holiday it is — Halloween, Christmas…St. Patrick’s Day. If my kids aren’t with me, the lonely part of being alone always finds a way of catching up to me.

It’s not like this is new. I’ve been divorced for over 7 years, and I’ve spent all but two years of that time single (though those two years were spent in a relationship with a man who I eventually learned was living a double life the whole time.)

I dated often in the first year after my divorce, but as the disappointments piled up, I found myself less interested. And when my heart was smashed to pieces two years ago, I gave up on love for good.

I love other people’s love. It just doesn’t work for me.

Most of the time I’m fine. I love my kids. I love my friends. I love my freedom. But holidays kick my butt. I see families together and I think about how I’ll never experience building a family again. I see couples together and I wonder how they met, how they knew they were in love and what led them to commit.

I try to remember what it feels like to love and feel loved but I come up blank. My mind only associates love with deception now and my heart can’t convince my mind it’s wrong.

And with that thought, I start listing all the reasons no one would ever love me, anyway. Like, I can be extremely obnoxious after a few drinks and I annoy myself. I’m 10lbs over the weight I’m comfortable with. I’ve aged 15 years in the last 4 and now the skin on my neck is heading south for no reason other than to torture me. And my teeth shifted after getting my wisdom teeth pulled a few years ago so my smile is crooked.

And besides all that superficial nonsense— I feel too much, all the time. Who would want to deal with that, right? I think I’m broken.

Reminding myself of all these things helps me push the holiday loneliness away and that’s how I find safety in this choice to stay alone.

I wear it like a superhero cape. And I use it as a wall.

There’s no chance of rejection if I stay behind my walls. There’s no chance of getting hurt if I never let anyone in. There’s no way I can get duped by a liar again if I trust no one.

Lonely is safe. Love is not.

Is this really what I want or is it a trauma response? Most of the time I’d tell you, yes, this is definitely what I want.

However when the holidays come and I spend them 100% alone — I’m not so sure anymore.

I tell myself that some people are just meant to be alone and I put myself in that category. I daydream about owning 20 acres with a tiny house sitting in the middle and having it all to myself. When I try to imagine someone else there, I can’t. But part of me wishes I could — the part that hates spending holidays alone.

I know this will pass. I’ll wake up on the other side of January and think all these words are nonsense. Because I’ll have put my “I love being alone” superhero cape back on and I’ll be ready to fight off anything that invades my safe space.

But on holidays, when most people are surrounded by friends, family, and love while I sit here alone— I feel like maybe I don’t fit anywhere in this world.

And that’s a hard feeling to feel.

But don’t worry — I’ll be fine. I just needed to write this out so I can process it. I've made a conscious decision to live on the safe side of lonely and I'm still okay with that most of the time.