Little Secrets

Hey momma, you always said I was a good child. In many ways, you told me how grateful you were to be blessed with me. You said many parents were terrified when their children turned teenagers because they didn't know what to expect. For many, it was a rollercoaster of drugs, sex, alcohol, calls from the principal's office, and, fluctuating grades. But I never gave you a reason to worry. My grades were top-notch and I was well-behaved. Maybe I was a good child. But every child has done some bad things. Things that I hoped you'd never find out. Some of them silly, some of them sad, some of them I feel a little guilty about because now that I'm much older, I realize they weren't altogether necessary. I'll start with a little lie I told.

" My dad is a professor, we live in a three-bedroom apartment, I and my sister each have a room to ourselves. " That's what Aisha said. Halidah went next. " We have a small pool in our backyard ". And then there was me. " Oh, we live in a three-bedroom flat too, in a very nice estate. " Those were the words that came out of my mouth. I'd never really been one to bother what my mates thought of me or be ashamed of where I was coming from. But at that point, I couldn't bring myself to say I lived in a mini-flat that had artistically been converted into two rooms, or that I and all my siblings shared one room. This might seem like a little white lie. But ten years later, I still feel shame when I remember this moment when I wasn't proud of you or Dad and how hard you both worked.

Three years after this, I sold sweets in boarding school even though it was against the rules. I guess I had just discovered my knack for marketing. I got packets and packets of sweets and sold them to my mates. In my defence, dad had just lost his job then so things were extra hard. I wanted a little extra money. But this money came at a little cost. My mates were finishing up all their pocket money buying sweets. The matrons got suspicious. I got caught. I remember crying a lot. I got so emotional and told them how things were at home. I wasn't lying but I felt bad that I used the situation to escape the consequences of my greed. I had embarrassed you and dad. What's more, I think I had disappointed you. No matter how bad things were, you'd never have encouraged me to break the rules. Thankfully the school authorities made no mention of this to you. I hate to think of how sad or embarrassed you'd have been.

You'd think I'd have learnt my lesson after this. But I did it again. I didn't get away this time. I washed the toilets in school for a week. Well-deserved if you ask me. Luckily, they didn't summon you.

How can I forget? The bliss that came with reading your novels when you were not around. Curiosity maybe. But I wanted to see what made you love them so much. They were inappropriate for me at the time. My favourite one still remains "Bought by the Tycoon". A story of three brothers and how they found love. I loved Holly and Richard the most. When they had sex, I remember Richard asking Holly to keep her belt on. " He called them "chains of love." I wonder what you'd have thought if you'd found out then. Even now that I'm all grown up, you still don't recommend I read such novels. If only you knew I'd been reading them for such a long time.

Ahh, the large map of pee on the bed. This is probably my most embarrassing one yet. I was thirteen. Imagine my shock when I woke up in the morning and found myself drenched in my own pee. I said Caleb had done it. He did it a lot anyway. This was the one time he hadn't. But you didn't know that.

I might have overdone the fainting spells in school just a teeny-weeny bit. I felt ill but honestly, it wasn't that bad. I just wanted to get out of school. I was tired and I had missed your food. You can't blame me for that. Those boarding house breakfasts weren't the nicest.

Then there were days I went to Gabrielle's school instead of going straight home. I was 16 and had only started coming home by myself. I'd arrive home late and I'd cook up a silly story about something that went wrong on the road. Well, there was this really cute guy in her class. You can't blame me though. I just had to see his face. And besides, I'd been a really good child. If you had found out, you'd have had to let it slide. It was one of the few naughty things I'd done in my lifetime.

Do you remember how that grey sandal you got me miraculously disappeared? I said I had worn it to school to show it off to my friends. I had taken it off to play and then I couldn't find it anymore. Let's just say it's in a much happier place now. Its owner certainly didn't appreciate it because she dropped it in a charity box on her way home from school. With all due respect, I thought it was hideous and totally unflattering of the fine young lady I was blossoming into. I couldn't tell you that though. You'd have been hurt. You were always a tad-bit emotional about the stuff you bought for us.

Sitting here, writing this, I wonder what your reaction would be if you ever got to read this. I hope you'd laugh about it and give me a little smack on my head and tell me how I was such a silly child. Or maybe you'd tell me how you already knew some of this stuff and we'd both laugh about how clever I thought I was. You were always so discerning anyway. Or maybe you'll tell me that you think I'm an awesome daughter regardless.