Liking the melancholy

Today I had a chat about how I was feeling with a mate of mine. The conversation developed and I revealed that I often find myself feeling I have an undercurrent of melancholy in my life. Never really happy, quite pessimistic, and somewhat detached from those around me.

Yet, when we delved deeper into why I was feeling this way, I began thinking, ‘have I got too comfortable in this current state, do I actually maybe enjoy this?’.

Despite sadness ultimately not being a good thing it is actually pretty good at protecting you.

You are protecting yourself from risk, hurt and going all in.

I reflect upon this now and it makes sense. I beat myself up and remain in this self detrimental mode so then no one else can do that to me.

The failed job interview, the broken friendship, the loneliness… I sometimes think that my baseline is this mood of melancholy. I think that it enables me to avoid the risk of having plummeting mood swings because I’m already a bit pessimistic about situations.

Yet, with this being a constant state there often is a lesser opportunity for risk-taking, giving chances to people, and pushing yourself to your greatest possibilities because you are dragged down in your emotions.

Similarly often it is out of moments of unexpected joy that we get a greater sense of fulfillment. Dulling down both our ability to feel extremely sad and extremely happy is dangerous as it leaves elation and greater senses of happiness a foreign feeling.

But what is a practical step out of it?

I’m still on my journey to stop feeling in this state but I think a great first step is looking daily to be pushing myself out of my comfort zone. Being okay that I might not like a situation, letting go of things, and not being so down on the world. Slowly I’m recognising the validity in doing things I don’t enjoy that much or wouldn’t prioritise usually.

I recognise that in myself I have bias’ and things that I will prefer, yet, that is not right to assume that as good all the time. Doing these new activities or meeting new people I see solutions to my ‘sad state’ that I’ve never would have thought of before.

Empathy and lowing one’s ego are essential qualities to have.

Being able to recognise times and moments where feelings of sadness and melancholy can be felt is good but it is the overindulging which is dangerous.

Knowing that other people’s opinions are valid and the criticisms can be constructive in drawing out this destructive behaviour.

I think I personally get myself in a flurry as I believe nobody really wants to cope with my mess. My problems are heavy and the sadness seems ever looming so why would I want to upset someone.

Yet, more and more I recognise this opening up of my emotions to be a unitive action, and more often than not it draws people together. You are sharing your current states, melancholy or not, then through group vulnerability enable each other to move out of that.

The facade and mask of ‘I’m okay’, enables the undercurrent of one emotion. Your inner demons and head justify it. You don’t know any better, you don’t think you deserve better, you remain stagnant.

The constant continuation to question, ‘what is the root cause of this?’, trying to get different views on it, and pushing the boundaries of what your norm is will shuffle about the melancholy to be at the very least a less frequent emotion.

I’ve found the more open I am with; leaning into the root causes, I broaden my perspective and ability to access gratitude. But it definitely doesn’t come easy.

Ultimately feeling an emotion is never a bad thing. If anything it’s an indicator of how you function and your wiring to certain occurrences in your life.

When we have these moments, positive or negative, we are just given a choice: Do we simply reside stagnant and safe in the emotion or go headstrong into the why. It’s hard but puts us in better standing for all future situations we find ourselves in.

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Let me know if any of this relates to you, I’d love to talk to you about it. I wish you all the best with your mental clarity.