Letting Go

I had to let you go. Out of my mind. I needed to refocus on myself.

All the tarot readings I read for us all said that I needed to stop worrying and start putting the energy into myself. For the first time, I am trying to listen to that voice.

I had and still am typically thinking of you once or more in a day. But I would like to think of other things now.

I have made new goals for myself. Not really new goals, but I am going with the flow and seeing where it leads me.

Eventually boredom will probably stir me a different direction.

I cut my hair short out of the combination of spontaneity and boredom.

I still think of you when I am horny. Haven't had a steady dick since you.

I've been listening to relationship advice. Someone said that imagine marriage like if you had to a pick a car and have it be the only car you have for the rest of your life- which would you choose?

One for the different stages of your life. One for when you want children. When you grow old. That changes my perspective of us.

I like you. But for various stages, would we be okay?

My fear has always been boredom. What if I get in a relationship with him only to leave it later because of boredom? Or because I want to start a family and he doesn't?

He doesn't change often. He's stable. Or more stable than me. Maybe that would be a good thing?

Maybe opposites can work? Because we compliment each other's differences? I'm really not sure. Its an endless pit of what ifs and eventually I just have to make a decision and either take a chance or not.

I've been trying to exercise consistently every day. I stay stagnant at 130 at the moment because of all the extra vacation food I have been eating.

Today I did 5 miles on the treadmill with intervals of 1 minute on and 3 minutes off. They're right about that being a great calory killer.

My arms were extremely sore so I am giving them a break and don't even know what part of Chloe Ting's schedule I was on. I've just been doing random videos to try to keep up with it.

Sometimes I think of how interesting my life was with dating, etc. but I think God forced me into this solitude of being single to learn to love and be happy simply with myself. A skill I haven't had to use in a while previously to this. I was always talking to someone or dating.

I guess its calming and nice to have the time to myself. Time that I get to decide what I want to do for myself. But I liked being in situationship relationships in the past as well.

I like being single and dating. I like both.

They both have pros and cons.

Sometimes I do miss cuddling. It is just a fun past time. I just don't want to lose myself in the relationship- meaning I still would like to take classes and do activities that I love.

But its inevitable that you will change once you get into one.

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(4 days later)

Exercise really just changes everything. And blocking your ex's snapchat stories and any access to see into their life is so healthy and much needed. I got a website blocker app to block Instagram, Facebook, and twitter so I won't be tempted to check out any of my ex's. I would feel anxious and feelings of jealousy when I would see their name pop up for a new story. And I don't want to feel that way anymore.

I also don't want to look at my snapchat views to see if they've viewed my story. I want to start posting for me again. Not to see if they are still following up in my life. I want to post because I genuinely feel like it.

I've decided that I need to move on. At least until they figure out their shit and can make an effort to talk to me.

I am not reaching out. I was the last one to reach out and I'm so over feeling like I am the only one trying.

For real tho, exercise just changes you're whole mood. I like looking at myself a lot more in the mirror.

I made a goal of straightening my teeth by wearing my retainer everyday for 3 months and switching to just night time after my teeth are strong enough to hold together by themselves.

I've also made a goal of eating 1200 calories a day and losing 10 pounds by November. I am currently 130. Maybe even less because I haven't been able to weigh myself since last week.

Eating at vacations is hard when your family wants to go out- but when you prioritize your fitness goal, I believe that it is highly possible.

The beginning of this vacation I allowed myself to eat crap. I still worked out, but my poop changed and I didn't feel as great as I had watching what I ate.

I got a new app called noom and am super excited to use it. It counts my calories and let's me know what is healthy and not so healthy in my diet. I'm going to use it to help me on my health and fitness journey for the next 3 months.

I also got an expensive magnesium pill to clean out my colon. Don't know if I will actually use it tho because it seems I really do not need it after doing more research. It's just meant for people who really can't poop.

My old boss made me think that we have years of waste built up in our colon and that I need to cleanse it- but when I read about it, doctor's don't recommend it unless you absolutely need it.