Letters Never Sent - Vol 6

October 15, 1997

Dear Mr. Freeman,

This letter is to inform you of my intentions to apply for a position with your company.

I have recently ended my college education and my four and a half years combined at the University of Southeastern Tech as well as the two semesters I have spent working as an intern in the sorting division of Melvin & Tanner have almost prepared me to enter the regular workforce.

My supervisor at M&T often describes my work in such glowing terms as adequate and superfluous. He believes that I have a great talent for the task apportioned to me of moving shipping containers from one side of the warehouse to the other. He once compared my work to that of the first primates to travel in space, high praise indeed, given the technical skill and historic significance of their mission. But I digress.

I was informed of a potential job opportunity at your company via a mutual friend, your niece, Kelly. When I was in school, Kelly and I often had relations and last month at an alumnus fraternity function during the homecoming activities I ran into her. It was great to see her again, and was happy that she had recovered from having her stomach pumped from the last fraternal function we attended, that was a big scare for us, and am sure that her family is glad that she has recovered so well as to be drinking heavily again. Sufficed to say, when I told her about my situation and about what my supervisor thought of me, she said that you were often quoted as saying, “that a bunch of monkeys could do the work at your company and things might get done better.” Also, she mentioned that working for your company it was difficult to make matters for the clients any worse, so the margin of error was fairly wide. It sounded like a perfect fit to me and thought it best to reach out to you directly.

Though my work at M&T is personally very fulfilling, I believe that my time there is winding down, as my supervisor says, even though they don’t pay me to be there, they wish they didn’t have to see me work so hard everyday.

Which brings us to the matter at hand, I feel like I can handle the work at your company and will excel at any task given. However aside from some remedial sign language and the ability to climb trees very quickly, I am not sure what sort of simian skills I can bring to your workforce. I have spent many hours playing the Nintendo game Donkey Kong Country and have studied the various moves and tasks involved, and as I mentioned have over 8 months experience at M&T moving crates and barrels, (though I try not to smash them to find the hidden gold, haha)

On a personal note, I really would like to find a paying job to change my living situation. I am currently living in my grandparent’s attic, it is OK, but I am hoping to get a job so I don’t have to continue to smell talcum all the time and listen to them sleep, sometimes they are so quiet I think they are dead and then I have night terrors, (also Kelly said she would not come over unless I had a place of my own.)

In conclusion, I feel, based on the recommendation of my supervisor and the prior relations with your brother’s daughter, I can make a great addition to your staff at Freeman Crematorium. If I don’t hear from you by next week I will assume that I should start on Monday and will be ready to begin my career in the fascinating world of ice cream novelties.

Sincerely,

Henry Brentwood

See attached resume and letter of recommendation from my supervisor Henry Brentwood, Sr.