Letters Never Sent - Vol 12

Nov 12, 2006

Dear Natalie,

I really wanted to tell you this in person, but for very specific reasons, I will explain shortly, I thought this was the best way to explain it.

You see, the last few weeks of us going out have been really interesting.

I mean, I’m kind of a dull guy and being around you have made me feel, well, not so dull. Normally on a Friday night would be watching Doctor Who or cleaning out the basement. I had never been to a cock fight or rock climbing and I certainly never imagined getting in a fight outside a bar. By the way, I still think you could have taken that guy if he hadn’t been using me as a shield, (and I am grateful for your backing down on my account).

It was so exhilarating and empowering. That brings us to why I don’t think we should see each other anymore.

You see, last night, I came over to your house to see you and I saw something rustling around in the bushes outside your house. Well, I can tell you what, before we started going out, I would have just run away or thrown a rock or something. But I was all amped up on that 4Loko energy drinks you told me to pick up for you and I decided to investigate. I dropped the bag and jumped right into the boxwoods and grabbed at it until I found what was making the noise.

Something strange came over me, like a wave, like a 4Loko tidal wave, suddenly I was Tyler Durden. My heart was pounding in my chest like it wanted to escape and I took that rush and pounded my fists into the thing in the bushes. The whole thing maybe lasted a minute, but it felt like forever. I emerged from the bushes, all scratched up and sweating, dragging what I thought was a possum or raccoon or some other varmint in my hands. When I got into the light I realized that it wasn’t a possum, it was Mr Mittens. He wasn’t dead, but he didn’t look good.

I left him on your doorstep and poured some 4Loko out in a plastic lid I found for him to drink.

I want to go on record saying that I liked Mr. Mittens, really, even though he always hissed and bit at me when I came over. I had no idea it was him in the boxwood, though I should have recognized his hissing. Also, you would have been proud that he got a couple of good shots in, I had to go get a couple of stitches where he sliced my arm. I had no intention of ever hurting him and entirely blame the erratic state of mind induced by a six pack of 4Loko. (why is it called 4Loko if it comes in 6-packs). That stuff should come with stronger warnings.

I wanted to tell you right away but after thinking about the fight at the bar when you broke that chair on the guy’s head for saying you looked thickish, I was pretty sure how you might have reacted and realized that I probably would not survive your fury. Even so I also couldn’t escape the guilt of what my dazed self did to poor Mr. Mittens, and didn’t want you to think there was a badger on the loose or anything.

Consequently, I am going away for a while. I have some family out in the mountains I am going to stay with, no wait, actually I’ll be in Delaware, nobody goes to Delaware, so don’t feel like you have to look for me in the mountains.

Anyway take care, I hope Mr Mittens makes a recovery, and remember by the time you get this I’ll already be in Delaware, a place that no one wants to have to go, where I would be nearly impossible to find.

Henry