Letter to my Abusive Ex

Hey. Remember me?

I was the girl you said you loved more than anyone you have ever loved before. You loved me so much you drove me insane. You loved me so much you tossed me around like a rag doll, beat me, choked me and made me feel small. You made me feel invisible and like I was always the one in the wrong.

The truly sad thing is that I saw a good person underneath all of that. I stayed with you because I thought you could change if I loved you hard enough or if I gave you chance after chance.

Being with you even landed me in jail. Some place I never thought i'd end up. I'm not saying i'm a saint because let's face it, i'm definitely not. The thing is I never thought i'd sit in a holding cell, a drunken mess thinking to myself "this isn't fair" or " I shouldn't be the one sitting here". I remember like it was just yesterday how much I screamed and cried while being taken to booking. I kept screaming "This isn't me" and "It should be her in here not me!". The mere thought of it sends shivers down my spine.

I knew early on that there was something not right about this union. Within the first three days you told me you loved me and when I told you it was too soon to say it back, you got mad at me and stormed out of the house. You pouted like a child not getting her way. Still, I stayed.

When I went on that two week trip to Mexico, you would video chat with me and tell me you loved me. A couple of video chats later you told me that you didn't deserve me and you wanted to break up with me; all while I was in another country with my family. You did this, tell me you were sorry and changed your mind and then you went back to saying we needed to break up again. Back and forth. I cried so much but I think you liked it when I cried.

I remember trying to leave and you wouldn't let me. You would lock me outside of the house and you would hear me bang on the door but you would ignore me. (Just like you did when we went on that cruise and you locked me in that tiny, dark bathroom while I had a panic attack.)Sometimes you would sit there on the other side of the door and just play music while I begged you to let me in the house. Any time I did succeed in leaving the house with my things, you would always convince me you would change and I always came back.

You never changed.

I will never be the person I was before I met you. I miss her so much. She had so much faith and so much hope in the world and in people. I don't always recognize the woman I am now. I remember a while after I finally left you (and managed to stay away) I was so angry. I didn't understand why because after all, I had managed to leave. I should have felt a huge sense of relief and nothing else. The truth is even three years later, although I am in another relationship, you still linger. Little things can sometimes transport me back in time and I feel like I am with you again; crying my eyes out, defending myself from you hurting me or i'm on the back porch sobbing, wondering when it will all end. Wishing you would just finish the job and put me out of my misery.

Just the other day I had a flashback. It was one of the worst ones yet. For days after that I couldn't leave my bed. I didn't want to move and I didn't have motivation to do anything. All I wanted to do was cry. There were even moments where I didn't feel anything at all. Nothingness. A spiraling black hole.

But guess what? You didn't win.

I want you to know that there is a bright side to all of this. There is a good side to having met you. I learned to see things for what or who they are. I have learned not to be so trusting of people. I shouldn't tolerate certain things no matter who the person is to me. It doesn't matter if they're my family, friend or significant other. No longer do I see things with Rose colored glasses. Sometimes I miss it but at the same time i'm thankful I have opened my eyes.

Speaking up for myself comes easily now. Setting boundries and voicing my expectations comes easily now.

So, I just want to say "thank you."

Thank you for giving me such valuable life lessons. I promise I will always hold on to them.

In that way, you have done a lot for me and I will remember you always.

-Sandra