Lets Eat.

My journey with food has been my longest and most tumultuous of relationships. When it was good , I was embracing in all hedonistic fantasies that happily clouded my vision for decades. I failed to accurately see what it was really doing to me, I ate with out regard, remorse or regret. Coming from a culture where to refuse an offering is a huge insult i grew up just going with the flow and doing as told. During those teenage/hormonal years were i was combating a changing body from the inside and out along with shock of having a period and coming to terms with the fact that this was to be my life sentence without the possibility of parole for the next twenty to thiry years, I foun solice and comfort in pan dulce or Hostess lemon pies. I showed equal love from flour and corn tortillas as well as a massive variety of breads. Life was good...or so I thought.

When the inactivity of adulthood set in, that was when the real trouble began. With my youth cam ean extra fifty pounds of pure adulthood. A woman like to date and meet people and have intimate fun but that was becoming increasingly more difficult because where I was looking at who an individual was as a person, I was being looked upon what I physically had to offer. Today we are all "thick", "curvy", and "voluptuous". In my day it was simply referred to as "fat". I enjoyed eating far to much to change my weight, therefore I made sure that my personality was outstanding! It could not be said that I was not outgoing or the life of the party on occassion. I became everything except "thin" and it worked. I did not lack in the dating area. I was that cool chick that you can hang with. I viewed myself as all that and a bag of chips and for what ever anyone else saw to me it didnt matter. Sure, secretly I was dying to be a size two, but I was never going to admit that out loud. My mother always told me that once you give voice to an inner thought, it will fail to become a reality, so natuarally I held it in like a birthday wish.

The years went by, I grew up and out. I was married and going through the motions of that type of relationship. I was fortunate enough to shack up with an honest to goodness chef. I met the man when he was a man with no vision other than where the next joint was coming from. Right before my eyes he became a graduate of Culinary Arts working in a bevy of fancy restaurants. He helped open restaurant in California and Nevada. It wasnt till we were ready to settle down and start a family that he looked for something more stable that would grant him the ability to be an active parent. No one ever tells you there is a level of trauma associated with having children. the long sleepless nights and days, the fussy baby, the pointless arguments that can happen among sleep deprived parents, and most especially that your once healthy sex life will suffer. I didnt see it coming till it happened. The infidelity and disrespect between two people who swore to love and honor in sickness and in health. I coped poorly and just ate my feelings and hurt ego. I ate myself all the way to 250. Living though the motions and raising children I missed the signs of the end of my marriage and the rapidly approaching difficulties with my body till it was too nearly too late.

Growing tired of my situation with my partner wasa suddenly taking a backseat to an extremely heavy period that would not end. Nothing would stop it and before I could blink I had an emergency hysterectomy. It seemed like overnight I was battling an internal rage that I could not control. I was not given anything for pain or the change in my hormones. I was feeling dipleated and lost. Knowing a change needed to take place but not knowing exactly what that was I slowly began to change my relationship with food. Thanks to a good friend I learned how to look at what I eat differently and began a journey to better health that I am still on to this day. I have lost 70 pounds and I can not put into words what that has done for me and the world it has opened up. This was not a fad or crash diet that was going to fade and double my weight in five years. Knowing that I did not want that to happen I took my journey a step further and sought oto improve my mental health as well. I wanted to confront and get past childhood and cultural traumas of the past. I was ready to release the negativity that was no longer serving me and back away from everyone that could threaten who I was working hard at trying to be. The pandemic was botha curse and an incredible blessing. being quarentined felt like we became prisoners in our own homes but without the ability to work from home I would have never been able to go into therapy and put myself on the path to good mental and physical health. Quarentine was a blessing because it granted me the gift of time with my children. working in education means we have the same type of schedule. I miss so much of their schooling because I am working the same hours they are in school. I loved and embraced the time with them. It was also a blessing because I had the time to put the major points being made in therapy into action and once it became habit and routine I was already used to it.

Today I am and feel like a completely different woman. I am not yet at my goal weight but I am relishing in the process. Despite my ex husband and I not having made it, we have never lost sight of putting the betterment of our children at the forefront of everything. We are friends again and in all honesty I value that far more than fighting to stay in a bad marriage. Feeling empowered and in control I take my relationship with food to a whole other level. Gone are the days of overindulgence with from unresolved feelings and issues. These days when I treat myself its in celebration and it is most definetly in moderation which was a mystery to me before when I needed to over eat and over drink till the empty feeling was full with something else. There is now stability where there was once chaos, balance when i used to lack the desire for control. I am fourty four and till now at this stage in my life do I comprehend how much my mind and body needed a new outlook on food and exercise. That if I stray from the track for a day or two, I am not undoing the work I have done for the past three years. A slip is no longer reason to go on a bender and throw out all my hard work. I move forward establishing new and healthier habits with food and with people.

Personal growth does not happen overnight, at least not for me. It is like a class I have to show up for each and every single day. It is hardly every sunshine and rainbows. Some days I am so over it and I want to give up and let myself fall back down but those are the moments I need to stop and regroup. I need to breathe and slow down till I gain a small amount of perspective and attempt to find some type of resolution no matter how small. I want to live out the rest of my days in peace and happieness, along with the ability to recognise what peace and happieness look and feel like. No longer do I stress over the things in life I can not control. I have learned acceptance during certain situations. I can now let go rather than fight for things and people I should release. For the first time in a long time I am excited and hopeful. It is a feeling I highly reccomend.