Late Bloomer-The letter Part 2

Right after the move I became very ill with a bad flu, went to the E.R. and got some cough syrup and was in bed for a week. I rarely checked my phone, which was the worst timing possible. I ended up finding out that you (my 14 year old) had been trying to reach me because you had been having sex with your boyfriend and you thought you were pregnant. Your Grandpa had found out and was livid, your grandma was out of town for a couple of days so you felt unsafe, and your grandpa was threatening to kick you out.

You found a way to get ahold of my sister and she came and picked you guys up. But because she couldn't reach me either she had to take you back to your grandmas. By the time I heard your grandma had just gotten back into town. I wanted to understand what was happening so I tried calling her. This is exactly how the conversation went. "Hey It's Tressa." "Oh no, I'm not dealing with you right now." CLICK.

I lost it. I felt like she was completely shutting me out as your mother and I lost control of myself. Instead of thinking it through I became impulsive and decided I was going to go pick you up. That was my downfall because I did not have a stable house yet. When I went to go pick you up I went to the police station first, because I knew your Grandma was gonna put up a fight, and I wanted to do it the right way with a keep the peace. But the officer ended up telling me he would not let me take you, even though I had full physical custody, and was very unhelpful on informing me on the process of how to get you back with me. This started a chain reaction with your Grandma and she filed for custody. By this time I had a really good job but did not have satisfactory housing as I did not have my own place yet.

So I lost custody of you forever.

You're Grandma has completely cut off all contact and now I have to wonder if I will ever get to talk to or see you again. I know that it is only a few years until you guys are adults and can make your own choice to communicate with me, but will you? The fear of realizing that may not be a choice you make is very real. All I can do now is hope that you do, and that when you do I will be someone you would be proud of. So I am striving to make myself great for you every day, even if I don't ever get to see you again, at least I will have pride in myself in knowing I tried and have been the best person I can, not just for you, but for myself.

So these days I spend working, writing, meditating, self-reflecting... doing the things I now deeply understand the importance of. I am stepping out of my comfort zone and finally starting to publish some of my writings, putting myself out there into the world. It's scary! But I want to make you guys and my friends and family proud, I want to do something to help others who may be going through the same or similar struggles as me. I am going to be writing you guys a book, I'm hoping someday you will read it, and maybe gain some understanding of why I made the choices that I have, give you guys a chance to heal and gain some peace from the past.

I love you to the moon and back.