Last August...

Via text I write:

Dear Momma,

I have something to tell you. Before I get started, please promise me that you won't break out Big Momma's Switch on me...

Boy, just thinking about that weapon of mass destruction is giving me hives… LOL

Maybe I should rethink this…

Pastor Riley's sermon really got to me this morning… He talked about how lies can wreak havoc in people's lives and how we will have to answer for the bad things that we do one day.

He told us a story about how his son Omari staged his own kidnapping when he was 11 because he felt like his new baby sister Lisbeth had stolen ALL of his attention once she was born.

He said that he found a typed note in his mailbox one morning that stated that Omari had been kidnapped and that he would be harmed if he didn't come up with $20,000 in 3 days.

Upon reading the note and not being able to find Omari anywhere in the house, Pastor Riley had to be rushed to the hospital.

He had just lost his wife the year before, therefore, the thought of potentially losing his only son proved to be nearly too much because Pastor Riley ended up having a serious heart attack that nearly took his life.

The pastor's story made me realize that being deceptive can actually have dire consequences... and I don't want to be bit on the bum by Karma like Omari was, or to be reprimanded and spiritually spanked by the Lord one day. Therefore, I figured that I better come clean about what really happened last August.

Well… here goes…

Remember when those little blood suckers showed up unexpectedly last August and we had to throw away all of your heirlooms from Ghana and Zion and I's brand new back-to-school clothes?

Well… I actually know how they got there, even though I told you more than once that I didn't know where they came from…

I guess I better start from the beginning, Momma…

Taberra & I snuck out one weekend last August and went to a hotel party at her parent's hotel in Ft. Lauderdale.

You're probably wondering how we pulled everything off…

Well… you thought that I was sleeping over at Taberra's house that weekend, and Taberra's parents thought that she was staying at our house for the weekend.

While perusing the internet, we found out that Goldie Grace (you know, that handsome spoken word artist from Netflix with the pretty eyes?) would be in town for a spoken word event on August 12th, so we decided that we just had to meet him.

Taberra turned 18 last May, so she was able to get a credit card to book our room.

We had a hunch that Goldie would be staying at Taberra's parent's hotel because it was the most highly rated and closest property to Sunshine Stadium (the venue that Goldie was scheduled to perform at on the 12th). It turns out that our hunch was right; we looked on Taberra's parent's work computer and learned that Goldie would be staying at Taberra's parent's hotel from August 12th to the 14th. We only found one guest with a gold star by their name on the roster. Taberra overheard her mother telling her new administrative assistant that gold stars were always placed next to the names of any famous guests staying at the hotel. We also saw the initials, G.G. written next to the gold star. Based upon that crucial detail, we were able to safely surmise that Goldie Grace would be staying in room 411.

So, at approximately midnight on August 12th, we went to room 411, knocked on the door, and were quickly let in by a short, blond dude with face tats. As we walked in, we saw at least 30 thirsty girls in bikinis twerking in unison while four average-looking guys stood in the corner rating their abilities.

You'll be happy to know that Taberra and I did not join in on that mess–You taught me better than that! We do have some shame, momma! LOL

Then, we began scanning the room for a seat, when we suddenly heard a whistle come from across the room.We turned to see 'Thee Goldie Grace' motioning for us to sit down next to him on a sky blue couch near the window.

Old GG looked just like he does on TV Momma! He was ultra-fine! We got to see his infamous waist-length blond dreads and magnetic hazel eyes in person.

And guess what, Momma!? Once we sat down, Goldie told Taberra and I that we were two beautiful black butterflies and that he was honored to be in our presence.

No lie Momma!

Can u believe that?

But, what he did next turned us all the way off!

Momma, he had the nerve to pull an extra large bottle of grape cough syrup from his jacket pocket and offered us some.

I was so appalled. He is such a wolf in sheep's clothing!

He had just been on The Honest Network earlier that week talking about how he doesn't do drugs because he wants to honor The Creator.

What a fraud!

That was definitely our cue to leave…

But, you're not going to believe this Momma...

Right as we were exiting stage left, I saw three tiny burgundy bed bugs marching across Goldie's shoulder like they owned the place. LOL

I immediately knew that they were bed bugs because I remember Peter Sawyer bringing some to class for his biology project in 9th grade.

Anyhow, I could have sworn that I saw one of those little appleseed-shaped vermin moonwalking towards me. He had a glittery glove on his left hand and everything! LOL Just kidding Momma, but those little critters were way too close for comfort!

Then, before we could even get out of the door good, Taberra let out a loud shriek. She had just found twin bed bugs skiing down the side of her pleated skirt. Then, I looked down and found two mountain climbing along the sole of one of my pink Chucks.

Needless to say, we got out of there quick, fast, and in a hurry!

Just know that you don't EVER have to worry about me ever using drugs, Momma. I saw what they did to Aunt Juanita. She went from being a prominent Neurosurgeon to barely knowing what day it was...

Anyway, when Taberra & I got back to our hotel room, we laughed our braids out, ordered some pizza, and went to bed.

But, there was never a dull moment during our stay, because the next morning, as I was making my bed, I spotted 3 additional bed bugs sashaying across my pillowcase like they were auditioning for America's Next Top Model.

Isn't that crazy Momma?

I had had a mild case of hives on my hands the previous night, but I thought that they came from the little bit of onion that I ate on the pizza the night before. But it didn't take long for me to figure out that my initial medical assessment had been wrong, wrong, wrong when I saw an identical set of red welts on Taberra's hands when she came out of the restroom that morning, and unlike me, she has zero food allergies.

Needless to say, after I showed her our new compadres, we both hightailed it out of there with the quickness.

I found out later that week that Taberra's parents had unknowingly bought some headboards and sofas from a furniture store that had been caught selling refurbished furniture pieces infected with bed bugs to their clients while passing them off as new.

Taberra's parents thought that they had extinguished all of the pesky bugs from the hotel property, but apparently they hadn't gotten them all…

But, guess what happened when I got home, Momma? I found 3 bed bugs in my green tote bag that I had taken with me on my Fort Lauderdale trip. I quickly flushed them down the toilet, thinking that that was the end of it.

But a week later, I found two in my purse and nearly fainted.

So when you, me, & Zion all started to get those itchy red hives a week after I returned from Fort Lauderdale, I realized that I had brought them home with me.

I was too embarrassed to admit it, so I just pretended to be surprised when we began to see them in other rooms and lied and told you that I didn't know where they came from when you asked me how I thought that we had attracted them.

I almost spilled the beans when little Zion had to be put on prednisone because her hives were stinging and itching much more than ours.

It truly sucked to see a four-year-old in such misery.

Little Z didn't even whine that much when she was visited by the chickenpox monster earlier this year.

Momma, I know that I am gonna get it for this one... But remember, Mother's Day is coming up next month. I just found out that Taberra's dad is childhood friends with Mayor Romell. Maybe he can get you a meeting with him so that you can pitch that new breast milk donation idea that you had to help with the State's baby formula shortage.

I'll be home in an hour, Momma. I'm still at the library studying for my Accounting final.

Please don't hate me for too long!

Love,

Your Oldest Tiffa Bug (No pun intended!) 😁