Karma's The Babysitter Who Smacks Our Psychic Bums - A Random Encounter With My Grade 7 Bully Backs Up This Theory

Who among us hasn't been screwed over by someone?

Been bullied or taken advantage of?

The more enlightened among us, stay calm (cue yoga pose of choice) and say, don't worry, Karma'll get them. Cause Karma's a bitch, right?

Karma will swoop in and even the score.

That may be true, but I don't actually think Karma's a bitch. That would imply she's callous, vindictive, and petty.

I think she's more like a cosmic babysitter desperately trying to keep us in line with tough love.

Atheists, feel free to suspend your disbelief for the sake of the story.

I'd say most people believe some version of the "we're all ghosts, driving meat-coated skeletons made from stardust, riding a rock, hurtling through space" story.

If you're religious or spiritual, you might have your own version of that theory, so it's pretty universal.

With the idea of Karma, you, the ghost, have a very long timeline.

You don't die the same way the meat skeleton does. Instead, you get to ride through time, going from meat body to meat body in what amounts to one very long life.

Some schools of thought say we start with very low self-awareness and spend eons working our way up.

We come back repeatedly inside different packages (think rock, plant, animal, human - in that order), and these various levels of experience raise our ghost's awareness.

So we're like children. We start off very un-self-aware until eons of life experiences create some awareness and ultimately enlightenment.

Once the ghost becomes enlightened, it gets to jump into a great big eternal pool to meld with all the other enlightened spirits.

Some religions call the ghost orgy the consciousness of God.

But getting to the consciousness of God (ghost key party) takes a long, long time and enlightenment is tricky.

Your choices affect everything in your current life (duh - obviously), your future lives, and to complicate things further, you're working through past life issues as well.

And to make matters even more convoluted, Karma isn't just about what you do.

It's about why you're doing it. You see, you can't hide anything from Karma. Karma knows who you are deep, deep, deep down.

Are you doing something because you really don't know better? Or are you being a dick? Because when it comes to Karma, intention counts.

And it doesn't matter how convincing you are to other people.

It's what you know in your heart. So if you make bad choices on purpose, even if you're in denial, you can't hide it from Karma.

Karma is like the ultimate Santa who knows everything in your heart, especially what you try to hide.

And unlike your parents, this Santa has no problem giving you a lump of coal if you deserve it.

Stay with me. This is going somewhere.

Because it's that voice deep in your soul that Karma's really interested in.

That's your ghost, that part of you connected to truth, trying to tell you to make better choices:

• It tells you not to marry someone you don't love.
• Tells you not to be so mean.
• Tells you to stop screaming at your kid.
• Tells you you're unhappy.
• Tells you when you make a terrible life choice.

Oprah says that the Universe speaks to you. Although I'm not as much of a devotee as I used to be, I wholeheartedly agree with this, and Karma does too.

Karma is the Universe whispering to you about the choices you're making.

She's like that parent counting three, trying desperately to give the naughty toddler time to stop their bad behavior and make better choices.

So to quote Oprah's metaphor, first she's quiet, (Come on honey, please, don't touch.), then louder whispers, (No, love, mommy says no.), then it starts dropping bricks in your life (I said no!) and then the bricks turn into a wall (That's it! Time out!). Then the wall falls down (Kid sneaks back to do it again behind mommy's back and gets hurt -consequence of not listening).

Parents are generally trying to guide their children to make good choices. Karma is the same.

She's trying to guide your life if only you'd listen. Not just this life either.

She's apparently directing a whole vast trajectory for all of us, so she needs a system with clear rules that work.

Because all of our ghosts need addressing, which is why she's so strict.

I run a home daycare, and I'll tell you the toddlers would run wild if I didn't strictly enforce the rules. But here's the thing, I do it because I love them.

If I let them run rampant, they wouldn't be safe.

The toddlers wouldn't learn the important lessons they need for life if I just hung back and let them run the show. They wouldn't learn to be good people, respect others, listen, or share.

So really, the hard work I do in giving time outs and addressing bad behavior, I'm doing for them. So they can have happy lives and be good people.

Sound familiar?

The painful experiences of consequences (time-outs, losing a toy, not getting to play with the other kids for a while) reinforce the idea that bad choices have bad results. They're teaching tools.

I have rules, and I stick to them. They mirror the rules we have in society. These ideas and shared responsibilities hold the fabric of society together.

In teaching the toddlers to understand and experience child-sized versions of these rules, I'm setting them up to understand and live in the world as functioning human beings.

To rob them of that chance by abandoning my responsibilities would be robbing them of the opportunity to learn.

The rules in my daycare are part of a more significant mandate.

Karma is the same. She also takes her responsibilities seriously.

Karma has rules, and she sticks to them.

The unseen Universe that governs our ghosts has laws.

So you see, Karma's just following orders, and here they are in a very tight nutshell:

• The great law - cause and effect: You reap what you sow.
• The law of creation: You create your own reality,
• The law of humility: Everyone makes mistakes, so instead of pretending you don't and blaming everyone else, just admit you do and take responsibility.
• The law of growth: The only thing in this world you can control is yourself, so use every experience for growth because every now and then, the poop's going to hit the propellor, and there's nothing you can do about it.
• The law of responsibility: Whatever your life looks like, you own that.
• The law of connection: Everything in your life, including your past, present, and future, is connected.
• The law of focus: What you focus on is what you create.
• The law of giving and hospitality: Put up or shut up.
• The law of here and now: Now is the only moment you truly have, so use it or lose it.
• The law of change: History repeats itself until you learn your lesson and change your actions.
• The law of patience and reward: Self-explanatory, nothing happens instantly. You have to persevere if you want to accomplish anything.
• The law of significance and inspiration: Everyone has something to contribute to the world, no matter how big or small. Even a small contribution can play out in big ways that you're not aware of (Butterfly Effect?). Small deeds with minor effects are still valuable. But take note: this also works negatively. Being a jerk in small ways (passive-aggressive people pay attention here) - i.e., harassing your barista because you're in a bad mood - contributes something ugly to the world. So small negative actions that feel insignificant to you while you're doing them can significantly affect the people you're forcing your ill will onto.

All these laws can be adapted to good or bad choices, actions, thoughts, and intentions, so be careful what you wish for, go for, do, and dream about because Karma's keeping score.

Like a strict but loving parent, she's just trying to make you a better person.

She loves you so much that if you stray from that path to betterment, she'll tap you on the shoulder and whisper in your ear.

But if you ignore her completely, she'll drop a house on you or send someone to bite your finger off if you refuse to drop the ring.

So with all this in mind, here's my story…

When I was 45, a twist of fate landed me back in the restaurant industry.

On a busy New Year's Eve in a high-end hotel, the hostess seated an oddly familiar family in my section.

I went to the table, introduced myself, and felt immediately awkward.

The wife was a sharp, angled lady, controlled, and severe. She didn't like the spot because it was too close to the kitchen and made a big stink about it. She insisted we switch tables, but on New Year's Eve, you get what you get.

The husband seemed squirrely, but I just chalked it up to embarrassment. I tried hard to lighten things up, but the mood was like quicksand, and I was sinking fast.

Serving them was slow torture.

The one saving grace was their son.

He was sweet and delightful, in his mid-teens, flamboyantly gay and proud. He admired the dining room with its crystal chandeliers and panoramic view and complimented my hair.

Everything was fabulous to him. He was lovely.

As the night wore on, I could tell the husband was one of those long-suffering types who marries the high-maintenance girlfriend and lives to regret it.

She was uber A-type, meticulously groomed with perfect nails. The kind of woman who's cold and expensive.

She was definitely holding a grudge, and from that point on, she managed to find something wrong with everything.

The husband seemed trapped between a bitter wife and a son that embarrassed him.

He was a typical guy's guy - a hockey dad. He looked pained every time his son spoke.

Things weren't going well, but it was more than that. Something didn't jibe.

I tried to salvage the evening and did my best to make small talk. The wife loosened up slightly after her second glass of wine, but making conversation was like pulling teeth. I injected some humor where I could, but nobody except the son was biting.

All the while, I just couldn't shake the feeling that there was something else going on.

Finally, they left, and that's when it hit me. That guy was my grade 7 bully.

It all came rushing back in a wave of memories and emotions. This guy and his friends made my life miserable in middle school.

I was new to the area, vulnerable and shy.

I already lived with a dark and terrible secret that gave me PTSD. A neighborhood teenager loured me into his bedroom when I was about four. Even though I'd repressed the memory, I lived with the fallout.

But that wasn't all.

I got browbeaten every day by an older sibling, who never forgave me for being born. My parents let her bully me.

They must have gotten some twisted satisfaction from it since their marriage was a disaster, and they needed a distraction -  a scapegoat.

So I lived in terror already. By the age of twelve, I was chronically depressed and a walking target for any sociopath.

The boys must have smelled the blood in the water. They latched on and didn't let go for three years.

I'll never forget leaving my favorite jacket in the schoolyard overnight by accident. I came back the next day and found it ripped to shreds.

The boys made sure to let me know they did it, but I was too scared to report them.

I had so few things that made me feel good back then. That jacket was one of them. It was like a security blanket.

When I found it, I felt so violated.

I didn't have parents I could go to for comfort. I didn't have a grandparent who took an interest in me. I was special to no one. Completely alone. No protection, no love, nothing.

Eventually, I devolved into a white-hot ball of seething rage careening out of control as a teenager. But I tried to use my power for good when I could.

Years later, I stood up to this guy in high school when he bullied a gay friend of mine, who was very much like the son he has now.

He was making fun of his mannerisms and very colorful purple cords in front of a whole classroom of people. I stood up and told him off.

It felt good to lash out, and at least I was lashing out with purpose.

What a turd.

That night after serving him and his wife and son, I had a thought.

I thought it was interesting that he'd somehow ended up with a son exactly like the boy he used to bully. My friend and I were probably just two in a long list of people he terrorized.

Kids who were different, vulnerable. Kids who seemed easy targets. I'm sure there was no shortage of victims for this guy.

I wondered if he picked on his son or if having a son so beautifully sweet and obviously gay sparked some kind of epiphany in him.

If he ever thought about that poor boy he and his friends endlessly harassed in high school.

I wondered if douchie jocks picked on his son. If it pained him to love someone so vulnerable.

Then I thought about myself.

I thought about how living well really is the best revenge.

Because the home I was going to after my shift was a place filled with comfort and joy.

I'd left the family who cared so little for me behind. After years of passive-aggressive negativity, I decided it was time to stop begging for love in places it would never materialize and move on.

I'd left them to their own Karma and carved my own path to a new life.

Where a husband waited for me with a glass of wine and a kind word. Our beautiful little daughter tucked into her bed.

My new life started when I started listening to the ghost inside me that told me that love was possible and that the only life I could control was my own.

I spent years in therapy tirelessly working to fix the broken pieces or at least fit them together in a new way.

I revisited the twelve laws of Karma, not so much as a spiritual doctrine but as rules for good living.

Even as an atheist, those laws are good medicine.

Whether you believe in mystical happenings or straightforward consequences, you can't deny that you build your life and create your reality.

If you pump pain and suffering into the world, your world will be filled with pain and suffering because you stand closest to your output.

But if you balance kindness with good choices, you can overcome anything and fill your life with love.

So as you ride your meat-covered skeleton through this life, it seems that whether you believe in Karma or not, she believes in you.

She's watching and waiting, making notes, and taking names, ready to dispense the cosmic lollypops and bum smacks we need to stay honest.

She's not a bitch, like people say. She's just following the rules and enforcing the laws trying desperately to make us good people.