Kant Lie to Me

I have recently made an unfortunate discovery. The man I love is a liar. This could be a devastating realization if it weren’t for the fact that his lies are pointless. He lies about what he ate, drank, and even how much sleep he got on any given day. The motivation is, of course, to keep me from worrying about his health, thereby saving himself from my nagging or, as I like to call it; Persistent care. I know what you’re thinking. If he lies about the small things, what else could he be hiding? More importantly, why do I accept this behavior? My journey to sophrosyne forced me to meditate on this subject instead of jumping to conclusions. A little research and empathy should go a long way.

What Is a Lie?

First things first; What constitutes a lie. At what point is one identified as a liar. Is it after one colossal lie? What about a life filled with white lies, all of which resulted in happy endings for those involved. An article by BBC.com says that a lie is comprised of three elements:

1. A lie communicates some information
2. The liar intends to deceive or mislead
3. The liar believes that what they are ‘saying’ is not true

Immanuel Kant, a German philosopher famous for his categorical imperative theory, believed that lying was always wrong. Regardless of the motivation or result. Perhaps, we should use the intention behind the lie to calculate the degree of the lie, similar to how we calculate the degree of murder. In this case, should the punishment fit the crime? How does one punish a lie in the first degree? Does a lie in the first degree merit the lifetime sentence? Eternal distrust. A bit harsh, isn't it?

Why do we lie?

David J. Ley, Ph.D., author of “6 Reasons People Lie When They Don’t Need To,” disagrees that the liars always know that they are lying. According to Ley, we lie for a few different reasons. In its mighty splendor, the brain is capable of altering one’s reality and making us believe our lies. Additionally, lying can be motivated by a need to be in control, a deep desire for the lie to be true. It is also plausible that my fiance truly believes that he is protecting me from worrying about him. Though the lie may seem insignificant from the outside looking in, for him, creating this illusion fulfills a higher purpose. (Ley, 2017)

For others, the bigger the truth, the harder it is to hold it in. Those people are in touch with their conscience. It doesn’t mean that they never lie. The difference is their ability to feel remorse.

Pathological lying has been linked to narcissism. An obsession with keeping up a certain image forces the person to unnecessarily fabricate certain facets of their lives. In their world, this lie is keeping their entire persona glued together.

The Enabler

The reasons for continuing to carry a relationship with a liar are technically the same. Accepting a lie may seem like an alarming sign of insanity. Why are we allowing ourselves to be lied to regularly? Losing trust in the one you love is an ineffable feeling and an inevitable occurrence. At one point or another, we all succumb to the pressure; symbolic, social, or physical. We all lie. That includes those closest to us. According to F. Diana Barth, psychotherapist and author of the article, the acceptance of lies is in itself a defense mechanism: Why do we believe liars?

Initially, the very shock of realizing that the person we love is capable and willing to lie to us is unbearable. Our brain protects itself from the pain by accepting the lie. As effective as this method may be, we forget about the bigger picture—the problem hiding beneath the lie. For example, my fiance isn’t getting the nutrients or the rest that he needs to be healthy. He is in denial about his excessive drinking. His health will be gravely affected in the future.

A License to Lie

We explain lying to our children as an “adult privilege” using the justification that we know how to use it. We all agree that lies are weapons. As a weapon, they should be used responsibly and only for protection. But how funny is it that we can forgive ourselves for a lie but find ourselves disgusted when someone we trust dares to do the same? It is not the lie that hurts but the intention. Being lied to shouldn’t be taken personally as it likely has little to do with us.

The Verdict

“Communicating empathy for a person’s desperation can be a valuable tool to give them permission to tell the truth.”(Ley,2017) In other words, opening up a conversation about lying and the flexibility in the judgment of the lie. My fiance has the security and the privilege of knowing that I am incapable of holding a grudge… as long as I receive a heartfelt apology. Maybe something I learned while living in Canada. It’s just what you do!

He also knows that I expect nothing out of him. This last statement is not meant to be hurtful. I have decided to hang up on my expectations. I can only expect things out of me, and I plan to deliver, so no problem there!

That security may be enabling him, but I know that he feels safe telling the truth. The truth is that he only lies because he 50% pure evil and 50%riddled with ADHD, and the very thought of sitting through an entire meal instead of chasing that squirrel is honestly too much to ask. Which once again has nothing to do with me. So why get mad?

Diana Herrera is a journalism student and aspiring writer. Her hobbies include drawing and jewelry making. Writing style? Bold and honest.