Journey to my True Self Worth...

October 20, 2016

We all don't get there. That's why there's pain and grief. I just felt first rage, then realization. After 15 years he expects me to relent and say he's right? YES HE'S RIGHT! I should Not have worn his jacket to smoke a cigarette. (knowing, but not caring at that point)!! I do the laundry the majority of the time! He's an amazing man because he puts up with alot of my health problems. Let me remind you that I would not have these health problems if my husband wasn't a selfish asshole who thinks the world should bend to his wants, and his wants are the most important thing to him and should be to whoever is in his life.

I wonder in my thoughts....what I WANTED to say is.....I KNOW MY SELF WORTH!!! Even though we have problems, the KIDS do NOT need to be emmersed into those problems!!! How many times do I have to tell you? "DO NOT put on those kids anything more than they can control". Don't raise your voice to me and call me a bitch in front of your son! What the f^@& do you think that teaches him? That it's ok cuz Daddy does it. What a real man move! What all have they seen and heard up to this point?

March 21, 2017

I was having a good day. Pretty much pain free but memory is still bad. Tonight Zak made chicken alfredo in our castiron skillet and after the kids were tucked away in bed, we were in the kitchen smoking pot and i had a memory of Granny Isom and how she cared for her castiron skillets. She didn't wash them but just wiped them out with a papertowel and a damp cloth. She said it keeps the seasoning in tht way. Zak criticized me for doing it that way cuz he just is gonna wash it out anyways. I explained that it was just memories of Granny and moved on to calmly explain how we are completely opposite but that was a good thing. but I did feel like he was judging me. I was right...he was looking for a fight no matter what I said. He yelled out, "Well I'm an asshole!" I couldn't take it so I stepped out for a cigarette hoping that would be all of it but he yelled out that I wanted to just start a fight.When I tried to talk or respond to his questions he would just yell over me. I was frustrated at the situation and so i clenched my hands and he yelled in my face, "Go ahead! Hit me!!" By then Zoey, our 12 year old daughter is yelling down the stairs asking us to stop fighting. I told him that he needed to think about everythinb that just happened and left.

Thursday May 18, 2017

I got to dress up 1920's style and visit the play at local theator "Chicago". Zak stayed home with the kids so I'm here alone and awkward. I'll take a pill. It'll get better. Anziety go away! It's very crowded in the lobby. LET US IN! It was awonderful show. Went to Haley's after show with Becky and a couple others to celebrate. Then went to Jackson Beach to dance under the moon. I believe in love but is it enough?....The kids happiness and health is all that matters to me and should to him also!!

December 18, 2018

Today I wrote the 2nd poem that I published here called "Let go" I was tired, depressed, angry and in physical pain.

December 17, 2019

There is no more fighting. There is no more fight in us. My marriage is over, my soulmate gone. Papers are filed, words said that can never be undone or forgotten. Lost and lonely until I figure out this new skin of mine and only mine. free from being conrolled. I dont have guilty feelings of disgust. Why did we discust each other in the end? Too much said and done? Reached that point of no return? Why is he so angry all the time? He's a selfish, inconsiderate, narcasistic, emotionless, unthoughtful, ignorant to others feelings, never thinks of the consquences to your deplorable actions, porn addicted, rude ASSHOLE! He was mean and childish when he didn't get his way, but yet I stayed and hoped and prayed all that time for things to work out. WHY? Trying to stay strong for my 2 most precious angels....all these years has made me feel weak, but I am stronger now. Know it. Feel it. Live it. Life goes on. Whether we fall or stand still only a moment but so much happens in that moment. The Ripple spreads out. Everything changes. Everything HAS changed. Dear Higher Power, please make it a positive change. Let me get the right and perfect job. Let me be strong enough to carry on. I feel like I have failed my kids. Did I make the right choice? All signs point to Yes, I did! Zoey is so strong but I see the heaviness of all this in her eyes, in Logan's tenderness with me. The kids need me now more than ever. Get yourself up and take these reins and thrive!