It's fine

No longer placing myself in a vulnerable position to admit when my human emotions take over within.

From now on the answer to everything is just fine.

Even when you promise me I can be honest with you, even when you tell me you prefer the truth over me internalizing my thoughts, it leads to an argument or a fight without fail.

That has been proven time and time again, so tell me, why ask for me to be honest if you are going to scream and shout?

Why put myself in that predicament?

I'm just going to cry and stay anyway, right?

If I know what the end result is, why not skip a few steps and just get over it, without the discussion, without the argument, without the fights and threats and grabbing and trying to leave...

no tears, no pain for the both of us, I'll hold it within for us, I'll just tell you everything is okay.

Until one day I've had enough and silently and internally move on before physically doing so.

Many people wonder why a partner may just get up and leave one day, I promise you, it's not a split decision one makes, it is a build up of days, and weeks, sometimes months, or even years of cutting certain types of communication in fear of the chaos that is caused by voicing your opinion to your partner that tells you, "You can tell me anything".

I've learned the hard way to keep certain thoughts to myself, not everything needs to be vocalized.

You've upset me, and instead of telling you why I am upset, I pick up the phone, and vent to my best friend, my sister.

I tell her what's going on, in case one day anything drastic happens and someone ends up hurt, in jail, or dead.

In the name of love, the wildest things can happen.

Last few times I've tried leaving, you held me down and backed me into the bedroom, the farther away from the front door, the better.

The very last time, you picked up our daughter, and used her as a pawn, so I wouldn't leave.

You said to me, if I am so set on leaving, that I could leave, but I have to leave our daughter behind, leave her with you because I would have no home to bring her to.

I gave up my independence when we decided to move in together.

My car, your place- became your car and your place.

I knew you better when I didn't know you, the more I get to know you, the more I realize I didn't know you at all.

But that's fine, I'm fine, everything's fine.

I wanted to leave you a few days ago, but you holding me back literally, made it so today I am too tired emotionally to lift a physical finger to go anywhere.

I haven't left the house or stepped outside in days, nearly a week.

But it's fine, I'm fine, everything's fine.

You asked me the next day, if I still wanted to leave, and I told you no.

Avoid another fight, avoid another meaningless argument, because I'm fine, it's fine, everything's fine.

Fight on Friday, peace on Saturday, war on Sunday.

I dislike you, but I love you.

I'm done, I'm leaving you- yet I stay.

Just one more day, I'll try another day.

One minute we are best friends making each other laugh, the next we are at each other's throat- literally.

You're pushing and grabbing, I'm kicking and slapping.

I guess I am a crazy Puerto Rican like the rest of us.

I always held myself to a higher mental standard than the rest of my siblings...

however, at the end of the day it the primal instincts to survive will always win.

I'm a happy, kind, and loving person because that is who I choose to be every day.

This does not mean I cannot flip a switch and turn into the she devil that protects me at my most vulnerable moments.

I let her take over because without her, I might not be here today.

I let her fight my battles because the loving me that everyone is so attracted to, is much too kind to hurt a soul.

When my she devil comes out to play, I feel sorry for anyone who stands in her way.

Hitting me, choking me, verbally threatening me, all of these actions summon her.

You miss me the old me? I miss her too.

So long everyone, and please don't worry- It's fine, I'm fine, everything's fine.