Is Anyone Else Self Medicating?

This time of year can be super joyous for some and just the worst for others. Most of us probably fall somewhere in the middle.

A family member sent me a message yesterday asking me if I truly hated Christmas as much as I’ve been writing about lately. To be honest, I love the idea of Christmas. I love shopping and buying gifts, but unfortunately, I don’t know when to stop. I have what’s called a shopping disorder. I love to shop just like I love to eat and how I used to love to drink, but I don’t have an off button. So this time of year accentuates the addictive part of me. The part that loves to get lost in the mall or any store really, the part of me who likes to indulge in sweets and treats and can’t stop with a few. It indulges the part of me that used to be an active alcoholic and wanted nothing more than to drown my sorrows and celebrate the good times.

I haven’t used alcohol or drugs for 23 years, but every year around this time I feel immensely. I either feel fear around finances, stress around family stuff and getting the right gifts, anxiety about money, grief around lost family members, sadness around my own inferiorities, loneliness in that my life doesn’t look like a fancy card or Hallmark movie.

It’s a mind fuck, I’ll tell you.

I believe the people marketing Christmas want us to feel bad and icky so that we will go buy more, more, more.

I heard a term recently called “forced giving.” Someone said, “We no longer participate in forced giving in my family,” and it summed up my feelings perfectly. It’s that feeling where we know we “should” buy someone something, but we can’t really afford to or we don’t really feel like giving them anything, but we do it because we should. I call bullshit.

I also realized that no matter how many awesome things I buy my kid, he is still going to look around after all the gifts are opened with some kind of look on his face and ask, “Is that it?”

I will relish the time I have off, as I work in a school. I will enjoy time with my family including my son who I haven’t seen for 6 months. I will take time to find peace and contentment in a crazy world. I will breathe and remember to connect to the true reason for the season.

When things seem out of control and like a flurry, I will stop and remember I am in charge of my feelings, my emotions, and how I handle the holidays, and when I eat one too many Christmas cookies or find myself wanting to escape I will treat myself with grace and remember that this too shall pass.

We don’t have to go through this time of year unconscious. We can stop and connect with how we are feeling. We can reach out to others who may be feeling their own sense of loneliness or discomfort. We can find connection when we are honest about our situation and find ways to bring new traditions or a sense of peace into our homes.

Family can be difficult. Expectations are hard. It’s okay to admit that we are struggling or suffering. Many of us are.

The most real part of the holidays is experiencing them fully. Not going through the week in a blackout of shopping, drinking, eating to excess, and then binging on whatever else that makes us feel less vulnerable and wounded. It’s okay to feel. It’s okay to not be perfect. So many of us are struggling and throwing the perfect Christmas cards in the trash.

Peace be with you this holiday season no matter how you celebrate.

xoxo