Instant Gratification

I WANT...

I KNOW, I KNOW, I DON'T NEED IT!

Seeing all these sales ads in my email -Daily barrage beckons me...

NO! I say to myself, You KNOW you don't need another thing. SO MANY THINGS just sitting there, collecting dust! So many things , GOTTA HAVE THIS! Because I smile, I think... GET IT! If you want it. Why not?

Chasing the high that comes from self-indulgence. Yes, I have always given in to my impulsiveness. I attempt to justify this by saying, "Well geez, I think I'd rather feel many fleeting moments of happiness- GIVING MYSELF WHAT I WANT! (Indeed, immediately followed by guilty remorse and chastising myself hard for disobeying my own orders to adhere to self-restraint practices--- UGH! AGAIN, YOU FOOL?) Temporary high- to break up the dullness of a meaningless life. Life is not supposed to feel meaningless though.

Why can't I take direction? If not willing to be dictated by other people... I must at least learn to listen to and follow the prompting of MY SOUL! Unwilling to accept the fate to be ruled by man, it shouldn't be so hard then for me to go deep within myself, to find MY SOUL'S PLAN!

I so want to be better than I am. I want to do something right! I want to know the satisfaction of being worthy and accomplished---AT SOMETHING IN THIS LIFE---

Domestic duties have never made me smile. They just show me how useless I seem to be at doing any sort of chore. Constantly dropping things as I attempt to put them in their prober places. Can't seem to move my wheelchair and keep things from falling off my lap. Always spill the cat's water bowl, soak the floor almost always, while trying to fill it every morning. AAGH! Why must you be so sloppy? Can't you do ANYTHING without making a bigger mess than you had BEFORE you bothered trying to be productive? Why bother trying to get in the habit of HELPING AROUND THE HOUSE .Yeah no, more like making more work for you bipedal roommates. CLEANING UP YOUR MESSES!

I so want to be better than I am. I want to do something right! I want to know the satisfaction of being worthy and accomplished---AT SOMETHING IN THIS LIFE---

Feeling plagued by the overwhelming state of frustration. USELESS- The common adjective that seems to define me. Stirs the rage up inside. I explode in a fit of tantrum, swear words and insults fly.

Feeling my muscles clinch, the signal to breathe, release this rage now. RELAX! Cast these dark thoughts out. Let the happy back in! So, get on the internet again. More distractions I find, take me out of this thought space----CALLED perpetual disgrace. Loathing myself breeds anxiousness and confusion. My heart cannot remain in the depths of shame.

**Desperate, the heart seeks solace. It does not thrive in negative emotional space . Pain, trauma, inner-turmoil, fearful of future health decline: Both the physical body and the mind... I don't want to endure this suffering at all. Tragically it seems to be the destiny we all have to face at some point in our lives. WHY? I HAVE NEVER UNDERSTOOD WHY? I know most are hardwired with the instinct TO KEEP FACING CHELLENGES -HAVE THE DRIVE TO KEEP OVERCOMING TRAGEDY AND HARDSHIPS one after another. I don't understand what makes people continue to rise to the challenge. To get back up when they fall? What insanity-driven implied force, makes them do all the things they'd rather not? By Obedience, they enslave themselves---BUT THEY ARE CHOOSING THIS FATE...JUST SAY NO! BREAK AWAY!

My heart fights to escape all this fear, emptiness, despair. The unworthiness, shame and self-doubt in me...that always comes up in my head. Try to breathe, relax and create space for more peaceful thoughts to shape the mood of my day! They just never seem to stay away long enough for me to create anything positive for my life.

MY HEART DOES NOT WANT ME TO BE CONSUMED BY THIS NEGATIVE MINDSET! So I seek the happy state of mind. I frequently indulge myself in my addictive pleasures.

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2020- I wanted to escape the talk and anxiety of COVID. Didn't want to know of this plague. Didn't want to see , now hear of the spread or the death toll rising. Wanted to ignore it as much as possible. Here it is more than half way through 2021... and it's still the monster threat. Just found out yesterday---MY FRIENDS tested positive.... AND THE LIST of those testing positive, INCLUDED FULLY VACCINATED INDIVIDULES TOO!!! WHOA WHAT?

So, What's the point of any of it then?? NO GUARANTEES of safety. Do or don't comply to gov FORCED protocols with all their mask mandates. Oh the bribery of money to manipulate people into getting mysterious substance shot into their veins? NO! bribery manipulation means FORCED COMPLIANCE to to me! AUTOMATIC "NO THANKS"!! I'm fine with being a total shut in for another year or two if this is the case. I'll wait it out!

Determined to escape unpleasant reality thoughts ---

In 2020. I OVER INDULGED IN MY HAPPY SPENDING ADDICTION! SEEKING PLEASURE TO BLOCK OUT THE FEAR!

Yes, I bought myself ALL 32 Dark Shadows novels -audible version . Narrated by Kathryn Leigh Scott. Also Her book on audile AND autographed paperbacks of her books from her website! Bought $ 100 worth of Magic Spoon Cereal ( Healthy grain -free, sugar-free, Keto-friendly, High Protein) cereal I wanted to try.

IT'S REALLY GOOD! I DON'T THE DESIRE I HAVE TO FILL MY BOWL 4 times to one bowl of milk as I do with commercial brands I eat like Lucky Charms. It cleaner tasting: No disgusting sugary aftertaste, that makes me want to chug a coffee to waste it down.

BUT I PAID $100 for 9, 7oz, boxes of cereal and a bowl &spoon set!! AM I NUTS? I never paid $10 for 2 boxes a cereal per months in my ENTIRE LIFE! Always live meagerly on SSI and Food Stamps...Swamping utility disconnections and residences quite frequently in childhood...

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU FOOL!! Spending $300 + a month on stuff ...

Impulse buys FOR Happy Vibe HIGHS . Gone Wild . OUT OF CONTROL~

STOP NOW! NO MORE INDULGING!

So I'm doing good not spending for a month or 6 weeks!

But as soon as I give myself a treat... I can't seem to resist

I'm not made of this stuff called resilience. Why is this lacking in me? I don't want to endure the uncomfortable things. I HATE CHORES! I always avoid things that require effort. I am lazy. I rebel against authority. So sometimes I'd prefer to live off the grid. Sometimes I wish I lived on an uninhabited planet. All alone where I'm truly free to be myself. No one to judge me. No one to compare myself to; never have to see my inadequacy magnified while in the presence of others.

I WANNA FEEL HAPPY VIBES ALL THE TIME---Not sad Not mad.

OOH! I see something I want again (Happy grins!)

NO! DO NOT BUY IT!!! DO NOT BUY IT! Clicks go to CHECK OUT! YAY!

AAGH!