"If you could ask for a miracle..."
Healing from childhood trauma
Healing Circle .
“If you could ask for anything you want from this Circle tonight,
even if it were a miracle,
what would your heart intention be?” the group leader asked,
and I said:
“I carry an abandoned child inside me.
If I could ask for a miracle, I would ask that my abandoned little child come to know that she is loved.”
~~~
Flashback
The magic of Christmas.
I am in awe.
Sitting with the other children around the tree, I can’t wait to get my gift,
only there’s no gift.
~
Curled up on the floor against a wall, a little girl is dying.
A young boy sees her, he knows,
and brings her a long piece of pink candy.
~
a fog of aloneness,
not understanding anything,
such is the world of abandoned little children who lack a loving mirror reflecting them back
~
abandoned little children do not know they exist
~
feeling invisible
feeling non-existent
the tragedy of the abandoned child
~
living wanting to die
yet not dying,
since so young wanting to die,
one blow after another after another,
everyone I love taken away,
losses... losses...losses,
why would I want to be in this horrible world?
I was never welcomed here,
why would anyone want to be where she’s not welcomed?
wanting to die
~
-Hey, Jay?
-yes?
Friend: cheer up, will you?
Jay: alright, alright
Friend: Pisculiche
Jay: what did you say?!
Friend: “I said Pisculiche”
Jay: that’s how my grandma used to call me! “My Pisculichita,” Mami used to say
Friend: what a cute name she gave you
Jay: yeah, because I was so little, so she named me after the Pisculiche Family
Friend: because they were little too?
Jay: because they were little too
Friend (singing): little-doo, little-doo
Jay (singing back): little-doo, little-doo
Friend: Jay, you’re singing!
Jay: singing is good
Friend: singing is very good
~
I went to eternity and dived into my deepest depths
where I found my abandoned inner child letting herself die of sadness,
of hunger,
of sheer despair,
and I carried her in my arms to the Eternal Presence
She’s there now,
and I’m waiting... waiting...
~
-Hey, Jay?
-yes?
Friend: I like it here
Jay: you do?
Friend: yeah
Jay: so it’s not too cold in there?
Friend: in your heart?! are you kidding me?! there’s fire in here
Jay: must be the hot flashes
Friend: I was wondering about the heat waves
Jay: my thermostat has gone berserk
Friend: you think so?
Jay: yeah, so you are nesting in my heart?
Friend: yup
Jay: don’t you get too comfy now
Friend: there’s no such thing as too comfy, Jay
Jay: oh yes, there is!
Friend: there is?
Jay: don’t you fall asleep on me now!
Friend: I would never fall asleep on you, Jay
Jay: well that’s good to know
Friend: yes baby, that’s very good for you to know
~
(later)
-Friend?
-yes?
Jay: I have a raccoon curled up in my heart
Friend: you connected with him, didn’t you?
Jay: yeah, he was dying
Friend: curled up behind your rose bush
Jay: it was cold and windy
Friend: and he lifted up his furry little head and looked at you
Jay: with those sad feverish eyes
Friend: and the two of you connected
Jay: so deeply
Friend: you saw yourself in the dying raccoon, Jay
Jay: and I sobbed
Friend: and you took him into your heart
Jay: and now you are there!
Friend: you said it, sweetie pie
Jay: the raccoon opened my heart
Friend: and I moved right in
Jay: wow
Friend: what?
Jay: you walked in right behind the raccoon
Friend: yup
Jay: boy, you are sneaky, aren’t you?
Friend: whatever works, my dear
~
-Jay?
-yes?
Friend: what did you see in the raccoon?
Jay: he was dying, he was immersed in his own dying
Friend: that’s the pull, isn’t it?
Jay: that’s the pull
Friend: what is it, Jay?
Jay: wanting to die, wanting to leave, not wanting to be here,
living, being present, is a constant fight against this pull
~
(later)
Jay: the raccoon touched my heart
Friend: what touched you, Jay?
Jay: his warmth
his sadness
his beauty
his dying,
this beautiful animal fully surrendered to his own dying
Friend: and you saw yourself in it, baby ,
you saw your warmth
your sadness
your beauty
and your dying
Jay: and taking him into my heart
Friend: you took yourself into your heart, and the part of you that wants to die
Jay: is now curled up, all comfy inside my heart!
Friend: you’ve got it, babe!
Jay: and you are there too
Friend: and I’m there too
Jay: and the raccoon is there too
Friend: yup
Jay: like Stuart!
Friend: Stuart is there too?!
Jay: yeah, because he’s so warm
Friend: your therapist is warm like the raccoon?
Jay: yeah
Friend: does he know? he has to know, this is real important stuff
Jay: I have to tell him because I want him to know that he’s like my raccoon in my heart and I need him to help me with the part of me that wants to die,
although maybe, with my Friend and Stuart and the raccoon as heart-mates she may not want to die anymore
~
(later)
Jay: I saw his helplessness, his vulnerability
Friend: the raccoon was dying, the raccoon was leaving
Jay: and there was nothing he could do about it
Friend: he had accepted it
Jay: he had given up the fight
Friend: you had given up the fight
Jay: I had given up the fight
Friend: on that Christmas Eve, when you were little and didn’t have a gift
Jay: I believed I didn’t exist and I fell inside myself
Friend: into the place that dies, into the place that leaves
Jay: I’ve carried inside me for all these years that part of me that was dying, that was leaving
Friend: pulling you away from being here
Jay: from being present
Friend: from being alive
~
(later)
I saw the raccoon curled up against the wall
(curled up against the wall!)
behind my rose bush
and he moved me so deeply,
and I sobbed so deeply,
that as I sobbed for my dying little girl letting her into my heart,
she began her return into life
~
-hey, Friend?
-yes?
Jay: this was a raccoon with a purpose
Friend: he sure was, little one, he sure was
~
(later)
-Friend?
-yes?
Jay: in his dying he gave me life
Friend: you love life, don’t you, Jay?
Jay: I’m talking about the raccoon
Friend: still with the raccoon?
Jay: you sound like those who do not understand
Friend: sorry, Jay, I was just playing dumb
Jay: stop playing dumb, it’s not good for you
-ok
-ok
~
(another day in eternity)
-Friend?
-yes?
Jay: I don’t want to die anymore
Friend: you don’t?!
Jay: nope
Friend: and how did that happen?!
Jay: I’ve grieved so much, I think I’m all grieved-out
Friend: you are?!
Jay: well not really, but the wanting-to-die chunk seems to be gone
Friend: wow
Jay: that’s what I say
Friend: hard to believe, huh?
Jay: hey, I believe in you? I can believe in anything
Friend: sounds hopeful, doesn’t it?
Jay: hope is good
Friend: hope is very good
Jay: time to go home?
Friend: yeah, let’s go home
Jay: want a cookie on the way
Friend: yeah, let’s have a cookie on the way
~~~
(From Healing Journey of the Abandoned Child. Flashback Part One, Dawn of the Broken Heart Volume One)
Vocal.Media Challenges: Fiction Awards
~
Other stories by Jorgelina Zeoli
I couldn't let her go, Journey through Alzheimer's
About the Creator
Jorgelina Zeoli
Jorgelina Zeoli is a former recital organist and teaches singing and Tai Chi. Her memoirs, films and songs focus on personal growth and the healing of her inner child. She incorporates humor, poetry and art. She resides in the USA.
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