"If you could ask for a miracle..."

Healing Circle .

“If you could ask for anything you want from this Circle tonight,

even if it were a miracle,

what would your heart intention be?” the group leader asked,

and I said:

“I carry an abandoned child inside me.

If I could ask for a miracle, I would ask that my abandoned little child come to know that she is loved.”

~~~

Flashback

The magic of Christmas.

I am in awe.

Sitting with the other children around the tree, I can’t wait to get my gift,

only there’s no gift.

~

Curled up on the floor against a wall, a little girl is dying.

A young boy sees her, he knows,

and brings her a long piece of pink candy.

~

a fog of aloneness,

not understanding anything,

such is the world of abandoned little children who lack a loving mirror reflecting them back

~

abandoned little children do not know they exist

~

feeling invisible

feeling non-existent

the tragedy of the abandoned child

~

living wanting to die

yet not dying,

since so young wanting to die,

one blow after another after another,

everyone I love taken away,

losses... losses...losses,

why would I want to be in this horrible world?

I was never welcomed here,

why would anyone want to be where she’s not welcomed?

wanting to die

~

-Hey, Jay?

-yes?

Friend: cheer up, will you?

Jay: alright, alright

Friend: Pisculiche

Jay: what did you say?!

Friend: “I said Pisculiche”

Jay: that’s how my grandma used to call me! “My Pisculichita,” Mami used to say

Friend: what a cute name she gave you

Jay: yeah, because I was so little, so she named me after the Pisculiche Family

Friend: because they were little too?

Jay: because they were little too

Friend (singing): little-doo, little-doo

Jay (singing back): little-doo, little-doo

Friend: Jay, you’re singing!

Jay: singing is good

Friend: singing is very good

~

I went to eternity and dived into my deepest depths

where I found my abandoned inner child letting herself die of sadness,

of hunger,

of sheer despair,

and I carried her in my arms to the Eternal Presence

She’s there now,

and I’m waiting... waiting...

~

-Hey, Jay?

-yes?

Friend: I like it here

Jay: you do?

Friend: yeah

Jay: so it’s not too cold in there?

Friend: in your heart?! are you kidding me?! there’s fire in here

Jay: must be the hot flashes

Friend: I was wondering about the heat waves

Jay: my thermostat has gone berserk

Friend: you think so?

Jay: yeah, so you are nesting in my heart?

Friend: yup

Jay: don’t you get too comfy now

Friend: there’s no such thing as too comfy, Jay

Jay: oh yes, there is!

Friend: there is?

Jay: don’t you fall asleep on me now!

Friend: I would never fall asleep on you, Jay

Jay: well that’s good to know

Friend: yes baby, that’s very good for you to know

~

(later)

-Friend?

-yes?

Jay: I have a raccoon curled up in my heart

Friend: you connected with him, didn’t you?

Jay: yeah, he was dying

Friend: curled up behind your rose bush

Jay: it was cold and windy

Friend: and he lifted up his furry little head and looked at you

Jay: with those sad feverish eyes

Friend: and the two of you connected

Jay: so deeply

Friend: you saw yourself in the dying raccoon, Jay

Jay: and I sobbed

Friend: and you took him into your heart

Jay: and now you are there!

Friend: you said it, sweetie pie

Jay: the raccoon opened my heart

Friend: and I moved right in

Jay: wow

Friend: what?

Jay: you walked in right behind the raccoon

Friend: yup

Jay: boy, you are sneaky, aren’t you?

Friend: whatever works, my dear

~

-Jay?

-yes?

Friend: what did you see in the raccoon?

Jay: he was dying, he was immersed in his own dying

Friend: that’s the pull, isn’t it?

Jay: that’s the pull

Friend: what is it, Jay?

Jay: wanting to die, wanting to leave, not wanting to be here,

living, being present, is a constant fight against this pull

~

(later)

Jay: the raccoon touched my heart

Friend: what touched you, Jay?

Jay: his warmth

his sadness

his beauty

his dying,

this beautiful animal fully surrendered to his own dying

Friend: and you saw yourself in it, baby ,

you saw your warmth

your sadness

your beauty

and your dying

Jay: and taking him into my heart

Friend: you took yourself into your heart, and the part of you that wants to die

Jay: is now curled up, all comfy inside my heart!

Friend: you’ve got it, babe!

Jay: and you are there too

Friend: and I’m there too

Jay: and the raccoon is there too

Friend: yup

Jay: like Stuart!

Friend: Stuart is there too?!

Jay: yeah, because he’s so warm

Friend: your therapist is warm like the raccoon?

Jay: yeah

Friend: does he know? he has to know, this is real important stuff

Jay: I have to tell him because I want him to know that he’s like my raccoon in my heart and I need him to help me with the part of me that wants to die,

although maybe, with my Friend and Stuart and the raccoon as heart-mates she may not want to die anymore

~

(later)

Jay: I saw his helplessness, his vulnerability

Friend: the raccoon was dying, the raccoon was leaving

Jay: and there was nothing he could do about it

Friend: he had accepted it

Jay: he had given up the fight

Friend: you had given up the fight

Jay: I had given up the fight

Friend: on that Christmas Eve, when you were little and didn’t have a gift

Jay: I believed I didn’t exist and I fell inside myself

Friend: into the place that dies, into the place that leaves

Jay: I’ve carried inside me for all these years that part of me that was dying, that was leaving

Friend: pulling you away from being here

Jay: from being present

Friend: from being alive

~

(later)

I saw the raccoon curled up against the wall

(curled up against the wall!)

behind my rose bush

and he moved me so deeply,

and I sobbed so deeply,

that as I sobbed for my dying little girl letting her into my heart,

she began her return into life

~

-hey, Friend?

-yes?

Jay: this was a raccoon with a purpose

Friend: he sure was, little one, he sure was

~

(later)

-Friend?

-yes?

Jay: in his dying he gave me life

Friend: you love life, don’t you, Jay?

Jay: I’m talking about the raccoon

Friend: still with the raccoon?

Jay: you sound like those who do not understand

Friend: sorry, Jay, I was just playing dumb

Jay: stop playing dumb, it’s not good for you

-ok

-ok

~

(another day in eternity)

-Friend?

-yes?

Jay: I don’t want to die anymore

Friend: you don’t?!

Jay: nope

Friend: and how did that happen?!

Jay: I’ve grieved so much, I think I’m all grieved-out

Friend: you are?!

Jay: well not really, but the wanting-to-die chunk seems to be gone

Friend: wow

Jay: that’s what I say

Friend: hard to believe, huh?

Jay: hey, I believe in you? I can believe in anything

Friend: sounds hopeful, doesn’t it?

Jay: hope is good

Friend: hope is very good

Jay: time to go home?

Friend: yeah, let’s go home

Jay: want a cookie on the way

Friend: yeah, let’s have a cookie on the way

~~~

(From Healing Journey of the Abandoned Child. Flashback Part One, Dawn of the Broken Heart Volume One)

www.jorgelinazeoli.com

Vocal.Media Challenges: Fiction Awards

~

Other stories by Jorgelina Zeoli

Jack and The Guys

And the table went PSST!

I couldn't let her go, Journey through Alzheimer's

 Numb little robot

 The Heartbreak, Journey through Alzheimer's 

 Speak Truth

The Ordeal, Clergy sexual abuse